CAN YA TELL?
CAN YA TELL -- CAN YA TELL I'VE HAD A WEEK OFF, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN?
I'M ENERGIZED, FULLY LOADED AND BOTH TANKS ARE CHARGED, FOLKS,
AND IT IS GREAT TO BE.
>> WE WERE ON BREAK FOR THE LAST TEN DAYS, AND I HIT MY TARGET
WEIGHT WHICH WAS TO GAIN ONE POUND A DAY.
(LAUGHTER) A LITTLE BIT OF DRINKING, A
LITTLE BIT OF FISHING.
DON'T MATTER WHAT KIND OF FISH IT WAS BECAUSE ONCE YOU DEEP FRY
IT, CAN'T TELL WHAT IT IS.
SPEAKING OF FRYING, ANYBODY HERE A FAN OF BURGER KING?
I LOVE THE KING.
IT'S MY FAVORITE FOOD-BASED AUTHORITARIAN GOVERNMENT, EVER
SINCE THEY STOPPED MAKING "DICTATOR-TOTS."
(LAUGHTER) THANK YOU!
SO GLAD I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT BY MYSELF, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
LONELY.
(LAUGHTER) AND NOW, BURGER KING IS TESTING
A NEW MENU ITEM THAT COMBINES A WHOPPER AND A BURRITO-- CALLED
THE WHOPPERRITO.
(LAUGHTER) IT'S GOT ALL THE INGREDIENTS OF
THE WHOPPER, WRAPPED UP LIKE A BURRITO.
IT'S GREAT IF YOU LOVE BOTH THOSE FOODS AND HATE YOURSELF.
(LAUGHTER) REALLY SOUNDS MORE LIKE A
SUICIDE PACT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.
THE WHOPPERITO IS CURRENTLY BEING TESTED ONLY FOR A LIMITED
TIME AT SELECT BURGER KINGS IN PENNSYLVANIA.
SO IF YOU'RE HIGHLY MOTIVATED AND READY TO GET SOMEPLACE
REALLY QUICK, YOU ARE NOT THE TARGET MARKET FOR THE
WHOPPERITO.
(LAUGHTER) I'M GUESSING THE WHOPPERITO IS
NOT GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF HISPANIC FANS.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, DONALD TRUMP.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
HE IS PRESENTLY BEING SUED OVER HIS FAKE COLLEGE, TRUMP
UNIVERSITY.
HIS MASCOT IS SO OFFENSIVE, WE CAN'T EVEN SHOW IT.
IT'S JUST TWO ORANGE BALLS.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BECAUSE, FOLKS, HE'S GOT A SWINGIN' PAIR OF 'EM.
(LAUGHTER) AND, EVIDENTLY, TRUMP DOESN'T
TRUST THE JUDGE IN THE CASE FOR ONE VERY MEXICAN REASON.
(LAUGHTER) >> I HAVE HAD HORRIBLE RULINGS.
I HAVE BEEN TREATED UNFAIRLY BY THIS JUDGE.
NOW, THIS JUDGE IS OF MEXICAN HERITAGE.
I'M BUILDING A WALL, OKAY?
I'M BUILDING A WALL.
THIS JUDGE IS GIVING US UNFAIR RULINGS.
NOW, I SAY WHY.
I'M BUILDING A WALL, OKAY?
AND IT'S A WALL BETWEEN MEXICO, NOT ANOTHER COUNTRY.
>> STEPHEN: YES.
(AUDIENCE BOOING) THAT'S IMPORTANT.
BETWEEN "MEXICO, NOT ANOTHER COUNTRY."
PROOF THAT TRUMP DOESN'T LIKE MEXICO AND CAN'T NAME "ANOTHER
COUNTRY."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW, THE JUDGE IN QUESTION,
GONZALO CURIEL, WAS BORN IN THE MEXICAN PROVINCE OF "INDIANA."
(LAUGHTER) I HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THAT
CORRECTLY.
SO IT'S RAISED A BIG QUESTION: IS TRUMP A RACIST FOR SAYING AN
AMERICAN CAN'T BE TRUSTED BECAUSE OF HIS HERITAGE?
HARD FOR ME TO JUDGE TRUMP -- MY IRISH HERITAGE MAKES ME WANT
TO FIGHT ANYONE WHO LOOKS THAT MUCH LIKE A POTATO.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
I THINK I WAS JUST RACIST AGAINST MYSELF!
(LAUGHTER) TRUMP'S POINT IS, HE CANNOT BE
JUDGED BY A MEMBER OF ANY GROUP HE'S OFFENDED.
SO THAT MEANS NO MEXICAN JUDGES, NO MUSLIM JUDGES, NO ASIAN
JUDGES, NO WOMEN JUDGES, UNLESS SHE'S A "10."
(LAUGHTER) TRUMP'S INSULTED THE POPE, SO NO
CATHOLIC JUDGES.
HE CALLED EVERYONE IN IOWA "STUPID," SO NO JUDGES THAT EAT
CORN.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE TRUMP MIGHT BE MORE COMFORTABLE IF HE COULDN'T TELL
THE JUDGE'S RACE OR GENDER.
MAYBE COVER THE JUDGE UP, IN AN UNBIASED ROBE.
MAKE IT WHITE.
MAYBE WITH A MATCHING HOOD.
THAT SEEMS RIGHT.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS!
GOT TO BE FAIR!
THAT WAY IT'S GOT TO BE FAIR!
SEEM RIGHT?
>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT ONE.
>> Stephen: TRUST ME, TRUST ME, IT WILL BE FINE.
IT WILL BE FINE.
(LAUGHTER) BUT THERE IS ONE MINORITY GROUP
TRUMP IS REACHING OUT TO AND POINTING AT THEM.
>> WE HAD A CASE WHERE WE HAD AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN GUY WHO WAS A
FAN OF MINE.
GREAT FAN.
GREAT GUY!
IN FACT, I WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M -- OH, LOOK AT MY AFRICAN-AMERICAN OVER HERE!
LOOK AT HIM!
ARE YOU THE GREATEST?
>> Stephen: WELL, IT SHOCKED SOME PEOPLE, BUT TRUMP DID SAY
HE WAS GOING TO START ACTING PRESIDENTIAL, AND "LOOK AT MY
AFRICAN-AMERICAN" DOES SOUND LIKE SOMETHING THOMAS JEFFERSON
MIGHT HAVE SAID.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: THAT'S A FAIR COP.
IN TRUMP'S DEFENSE, THE MAN HE WAS POINTING OUT "WAS" AN
AFRICAN-AMERICAN TRUMP SUPPORTER.
ALTHOUGH, IF YOU'VE ONLY GOT THE ONE, IT WOULD BE POLITE TO LEARN
THE GUY'S NAME.