(audience clapping)
- But I do worry that I tell people a bit too soon
in any conversation that I've got cats.
I've got cats!
It's too soon, it's too soon.
I've got cats.
That's lovely and your account number is?
(audience laughing)
And that's because they're not too bad at the minute,
but I've often got big scratches on my arms
and I don't want anybody to ever misconstrue
what those scratches are.
I don't want anybody to ever leave my company going,
"She seemed really happy, but did you see her arms?"
(audience laughing)
When truth be told it's 'cause I cuddle 'em too tight
and the fuckers fight back.
(audience laughing)
But the first cat we got two years ago,
little ginger kitten, he's called Chief Brody,
named after the police chief in "Jaws".
(audience laughing)
I was still living in the flat at the time
and I thought I'll let him have a wander around,
get his bearings, have a bit of a sniff,
a bit of an investigate,
and he went around the back of the sofa
and I was quite surprised
because I'd lived there for six years
and I'd never been around the back of the sofa.
(audience laughing)
And the Hoover certainly fucking hadn't.
(audience laughing)
And he came back around with what can only be described
as four big grey fluffy slippers on.
(audience laughing)
So I sent him back around to finish the job.
(audience laughing)
I don't know if you've ever tried to litter train a cat,
it's normally quite straightforward.
Whenever they look like they're about to do something,
you pick them up and your plonk them in the litter tray,
you hope for the best.
But Chief Brody took a while to cotton on,
kept having little accidents, poor bugger.
And at one point,
my fella and I were standing over the litter tray
just looking at each going,
"Is there anything we could be doing to help him
"that we're not already doing?"
And my fella, 'cause he's so lovely,
he looked down at the litter tray and he went,
"Do you want me to do a shit in it to start him off?"
(audience laughing)
No.
No, I really don't.
(audience laughing)
It would be end to end. (chuckles loudly)
(audience laughing)
And the cat would be like, "Who the fuck lives here, Aslan?"
(audience laughing)
But I have two friends who look after my cats
when I'm away from home,
one of them is an animal lover, one not so much.
Give us a cheer if you consider yourself an animal lover.
(audience cheering)
Give us a cheer if you're not really bothered.
(audience cheering)
It's totally fine, isn't it? It's totally fine.
My friend who is the animal lover,
she looks after them because she loves them.
My friend who isn't the animal lover,
she looks after them because she loves me.
It's very sweet.
So the friend who is the animal lover,
when she looks after them, she'll take a photograph of them
to send to me and underneath the photograph
it'll say, "Hiya Mam."
'Cause they call me Mam, it's not weird, fuck off.
(audience laughing)
And I know that we're close
'cause whenever I see them they always need a shit.
(audience laughing)
It'll say, "Hiya Mam, we miss you, we'll see you soon."
And it settles me,
wherever I am in the country or the world
it settles me 'cause I know that they're safe
and that they're happy.
My friend who isn't the animal lover
takes a picture just the same but underneath her picture
it'll say, "Here is the photograph you requested.
(audience laughing)
"They are still alive.
"I will check again tomorrow."
(audience laughing)
But they are house cats, they don't go outside.
They will go outside at some point,
but I'm sort of nervous.
I'm nervous for their safety
but also I'm a little bit worried about
what they might bring back in with them.
I know this is a thing that cats do.
Have we got cat owners in tonight?
- [Audience] Yes!
- Quite a few of you.
Now, I know that whatever they bring in,
be it a mouse or a bird, if it's still alive,
I'm to try and catch it and put it back in the garden,
and if it's dead, I'm to put it in the outside bin.
That's fine.
But what I don't know is what I'm supposed to do
if whatever they bring in is still a little bit
(audience laughing)
twitchy, has this happened to any of you?
- [Audience] Yes.
- Oh, nearly all of you, this is horrible.
Let's get some suggestions what you think I should do.
Let's start at the top.
So, anybody in the top section got a suggestion
what I should do with a half dead animal?
Shout out.
- [Woman] Put a bucket over it.
- Put a bucket over it?
(audience laughing)
Have you done that, love?
- [Woman] Yes.
- Yes, what animal was it?
- [Woman] A bird and a mouse and a rat.
- A bird and a mouse and a rat, at the same time?
(audience laughing)
Like a tiny little rubbish zoo.
(audience laughing)
So, are these all separate occasions?
- [Woman] Separate.
- Yes, and so you put the bucket over it until?
- [Woman] My husband came home.
- Until your husband came home.
(audience laughing)
We've got a feminist in, girls.
(audience laughing)
And then, what did he do?
- [Woman] Luckily, they'd all died.
- Luckily, they'd all died.
(audience laughing)
That is the best sentence I've heard in ages.
(audience laughing)
We should all start adding that
onto the end of all of our stories, luckily, they all died.
(audience laughing)
Good answer, lady upstairs,
anybody in the next section down got a suggestion
what I should do with a half dead animal?
- [Man] Hit it with a spade.
- Hit it with a spade.
(audience laughing)
He didn't even have to think of that, did he?
Just, "Hit it with a spade."
(audience laughing)
Have you done that, love?
- [Man] Yes.
- Yes, ooh.
(audience laughing)
Was it definitely an animal?
(audience laughing)
Haven't got a couple of ex-wives in your garden or anything?
Anybody else in that section?
- [Woman] CPR.
- CPR, ah.
The rest of you feel like such shits now.
(audience laughing)
CPR, have you done that?
- [Woman] Yes.
- Yes, what animal was it, love?
- [Woman] It was a cat.
- It was a cat?
(audience laughing)
Either, option one, she has not understood the question.
(audience laughing)
Option two, her cat brought in another cat.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna go with option two
'cause that feels awesome to me.
Anybody in the next section down
got a suggestion what I should do with a half dead animal?
- [Man] Give it back to it so it can finish it off.
- Give it back to the cat, so he can finish it off.
Okay, when you say finish it off?
Oh right, sorry, you mean eat it? Okay, sorry.
(audience laughing)
One tiny final wank.
(audience laughing)
A cat couldn't even do that
'cause they don't have that kind of hands,
they'd have to do with it paws.
(audience laughing)
Well, you've just made me mime a cat wanking off a mouse.
(audience laughing)
You dirty bastards.
(audience laughing)
So, you mean give it back to the cat so the cat can eat it?
I like that idea 'cause that feels like good parenting,
doesn't it?
'Cause it's like, finish your tea or you're not playing out.
(audience laughing)
I like it, it's good.
Anybody else in that section?
- [Man] Put it on YouTube.
- Put it on YouTube?
(audience laughing)
Oh, we've got a young one in.
(audience laughing)
How old are you, flower?
- [Man] 25.
- 25, get out, fuck off.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Look around you, love, you don't belong.
(audience laughing)
That was so much fun, sorry.
(audience laughing)
Being rude to young people, you should try it, it's awesome.
Next level down, so are you the grand circle?
Are you the grand circle?
There's a lady there like, "Yes, we're grand."
Okay. (audience laughing)
So the grand circle, anybody got a suggestion
what I do with a half dead animal?
- [Woman] Bash it with a hammer.
- Bash it with a hammer.
Fuck, where are you from, The Felon?
(audience laughing)
(Sarah laughing loudly)
I love that there's a lady cheering
that I've just implied that she's from The Felon
'cause you're clearly from The Felon, yay!
(audience laughing)
We bash things with hammers!
(all laughing loudly)
Anybody else in that section?
- [Woman] Chuck it over next door.
- Chuck it over next door? (audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Anything that stops you having to talk to your neighbours.
Good answer, thank you very much.
Anybody in the boxes or downstairs got a suggestion?
(indistinct shouting)
Hold on, hold on, we're coming back to you.
Say that again, love.
- [Man] Put it in a pie 'cause you know it's still fresh.
- Put it in a pie 'cause you know it's still fresh.
(audience groaning)
That's clearly all he's bothered about, is it fresh?
Yeah, well, I'll eat it,
doesn't matter what the fuck it is.
Have you have you done that?
- Pies with chips.
- Oh so you've had chips with it as well.
And what kind of animals have you put in pies?
- Nothing exciting, just pigeon.
- Nothing exciting, just a pigeon.
(audience laughing)
(Sarah chuckling loudly)
- Pussy pie's nice!
(audience laughing)
- Wowzas, you actually went there, didn't ya?
He's doing that with his arm as well
like he's a fucking winner.
(audience laughing)
Something tells me by how mortified your girlfriend is
that you're not gonna get any of that for a while.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
(chuckling loudly) So, pie,
and there was another one at the back, shout again.
- [Man] Put it in a cage and keep it as a pet.
- Keep a half dead animal as a pet?
Have you done that?
- It was fine, it came back to life all right.
- Ah, what animal was it?
- It was a vole.
(audience cheering)
There's a lady at the front is a big fan of fucking voles.
(audience laughing)
Finally, somebody mentions voles,
how long have I fucking been here, nearly half an hour?
(audience laughing)
Nobody's done any vole jokes yet.
(audience laughing)
And how long did it live?
- It lived for about a month and then it escaped.
(audience laughing)
- You know why it escaped?
Because it's a fucking wild animal.
(audience laughing)
It didn't escape, it went home.
(audience laughing)
Anybody else downstairs?
- [Man] Give it to the dog to chew on.
- Give it to the dog to chew on.
(audience groaning)
So I've gotta get a dog now?
(audience laughing)
What do I do with the stuff the dog brings in?
Give it to your horse, fucking hell.
(audience laughing)
This is gonna get out of hand.
See, I asked this question
when I was working in Australia last year
and I would occasionally shit myself,
slightly forget I was in Australia,
and when people would say things like lizards,
I would think fucking lizards,
I didn't know this might happen.
Tiny dinosaurs, 'cause that's what they are.
One lady said, "My cat brings in half dead lizards."
And I said, "What do you do?"
She said, "I take them to vet
"and then after a week I go back and check up on them."
I said, "Well, what happens when you go back
"and check up on them?"
She said, "Well, the vet always says
"I managed to revive them
"and I've released them back into the wild."
And I thought, ah, bless your cotton socks
for fucking believing that, love.
(audience laughing)
They must see her coming, mustn't they?
Oh fuck, it's lizard woman again.
(audience laughing)
With her bag of half lizards.
Expecting us to match them all up.
(audience laughing)
Brenda, look that doesn't go, the pattern's different,
can you see?
(audience laughing)
Try that one.
No, but I've seen that one somewhere before.
(audience laughing)
Another lady said that her cat brought in
a half dead parrot, I said,
"What did you do with a half dead parrot?"
She said, "I just put my fingers
"over its nostrils for awhile."
(audience laughing)
Which is all very well
until the parrot realises it has a mouth.
(audience laughing)
(inhales loudly) Fuck, that was close, that was close.
(audience laughing)
Then one really serious lady, very straight face,
she said, "Drowned it."
(audience laughing)
I said, "What did you drown?"
She said, "It was a frog."
(audience laughing)
I love the idea of a frog going,
"Oh no, don't put us in the water, I hate the water.
"It's my natural habitat, she's a fucking idiot.
"Oh no."
(audience laughing)
But my sister said,
"Are you gonna bury all of the animals
"your cat's bringing in the garden?"
And I said, "No 'cause it's the first time I've had a garden
"as an adult, I'm not about to turn it into a pet cemetery."
Then I thought about it and there is a plus side to this.
Think of how many Magnums I'd have to eat
for all of the little lolly stick crosses.
(audience laughing)
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican,
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called "Bobby Dazzler".
For all the information about where I'm going and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks.