you know on this channel we talk a whole lot about how to get a loved one from active addiction into
recovery but today we're going to talk about what do you do when your loved one has taken those
first few steps into recovery how do you support someone in early recovery even if your loved one's
not there yet they're going to get there and you need to know what to do this video is for you
for those of you who are new here welcome to put the shovel down this youtube channel is
all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your
life and your family back on track and get back to living the life that you want to live it's our
goal to make sure you're always five steps ahead of addiction and the information in this video is
gonna help with that a ton all right i've broken this down for you into the do's and the don'ts the
do's and the don'ts about how to support someone in early recovery and honestly the don'ts are as
important or maybe even more important than the do's so please pay special attention to all of the
don'ts the first don't is don't bring up the past constantly i know it's really hard not to do this
because it's like we really really really want to make sure that they get it that they understand
how bad it is that they understand how bad it was and that they do everything possible to make sure
and not go back to their old ways so we can fall into this habit of constantly reminding them or
saying it in little passive aggressive statements as tempting as it is it's definitely not helpful
i don't even think i need to explain to you why i'm sure you kind of already know that
it's just about overcoming that temptation to do it instead of doing that do this instead
do be patient so instead of bringing up the past here's what i want you to do instead
do be direct in your communication with your loved one but kind you don't have to tiptoe around the
situation it's okay to say what you need to say what you expect but just do it in a kind way and
you can do that without bringing up the past trust me they know they remember okay even if
they don't remember everything because they were in a blackout they get it okay so you don't have
to keep bringing it up now if you're really struggling with that one i just want you to
remember this when you're constantly bringing it up and being negative then the drug starts to seem
more and more and more appealing and we're not gonna let that happen because we're five steps
ahead of addiction all right here comes your next don't don't micromanage their recovery i see this
all the time families that want to manage how many meetings their loved one goes to or how many
times they talk to their sponsor in fact i've seen family members get the sponsor's number and pick
up and call the sponsor trying to micromanage their loved ones recovery through the sponsor
if you've done this i'm not trying to make you feel guilty but you might want to think about
reining that in you don't like to be micromanaged with anything that you do and neither do they i
know it's really hard because you feel like their choices in recovery directly impact your life so
it's hard not to micromanage it but when you do that all you're going to do is make them want to
power struggle with you that much more so instead of micromanaging their recovery what i do want you
to do is manage your own healthy boundaries don't find yourself doing things that you don't want to
do like over helping or overpaying for things because that's going to lead you to a place
of resentment and cause you to act in a way that you're probably gonna regret and it's definitely
gonna be not helpful to the situation number three don't is don't get back on the roller coaster with
them even if it feels like they may be trying to get back on that roller coaster you resist you
have been on the roller coaster you don't like it remember you really hated it so don't get back on
it now sometimes it's just little statements that they say that make you think oh my gosh they're
going to go back and use or maybe they even have a relapse or a lapse and it is so tempting because
you're so scared and you're so living in fear and you just want to make sure it doesn't happen and
you want to make sure that you're protected and because of that you might accidentally step back
on that roller coaster but if you start engaging with them the way that you used to that is a
surefire way to make sure that you both get back into that same old cycle and it's really hard to
get out of so don't get back on the roller coaster instead what i'd like for you to do is do be
patient you need to understand that they're going to be some ups and downs in the recovery process
and one of the things that i see that family members do that really really really sabotages
recovery and i get why they do it i get it but they come in with their expectations
way too high right out the gate right and i get it because the person probably has not been living
up to their responsibilities lately they haven't been contributing to the family maybe they haven't
contributed financially or they're causing all these problems and it's like okay finally you're
sober now i want you to also make up for all that lost time make up for all the money you know get
back to being like a full-blown perfect good citizen immediately and it's just not gonna work
that way even once someone gets sober it's going to take a while for them to be able to juggle
all the things in their life and their sobriety in an effective way so when they're sleeping in
and that's making you mad or when they're still grumpy or when they still don't want to hang out
with the family sometimes you know some of those behaviors that have been driving you crazy they're
not going to go away immediately but if you will stay patient and calm they will go away little
by little by little and eventually your loved one will get to that point that you want them
to but if you try to rush it you're gonna make the situation go backwards so remember to be patient
here's your next don't don't be negative and when i say that i mean don't say negative things
but also try not to think really negatively like they're never gonna beat this or they've
said that a thousand times before or whatever i'll believe it when i see it don't be negative
because you know what you find what you're looking for and when you're doing that you can be
accidentally like doing like the self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing so don't do it do use
reflective listening skills with your loved one and even better than that do use motivational
skills with your loved one now if you don't know what those are i'm going to link up my video for
you about reflective listening at the end of this video so you can watch that and if you really want
to be really really really good at that then you can consider taking our motivation master class
now motivation master class is not just for dealing with someone who's in active addiction to
get them into recovery but it's also for helping people overcome all those little roadblocks along
the way if you want to be five steps ahead those motivational skills are definitely going
to get you there i'll put the link to that in the description below all right here's your next one
don't baby them everyone hates to be treated like some kind of weird alien child that honestly can't
understand anything or that they're so vulnerable and fragile they're going to fall to pieces
i see this all the time families will tiptoe around it they'll not want to tell the person
you know like bad news that happens and so you're just so worried about the recovery falling apart
that you end up just treating them like a little tiny baby and no one likes that instead just
treat them like a regular normal person and just talk to them in a regular normal way
they'll definitely appreciate it they're not that fragile in fact treating people like that is
what's going to trigger them more than whatever it is that you're trying to protect them from please
please please if you don't listen to my don'ts listen to this one okay don't constantly talk
about recovery i know that it's been ruining your life for the last several years probably
and it's the only thing on your mind because it is what your mission is is to get this problem under
control but if it's what you constantly want to talk about your loved one is not going to want to
talk to you because it's just going to suck it's going to feel like being in the principal's office
all the time even in counseling sessions we don't talk about recovery all the time no one wants to
do that i know that sometimes you have to have some conversations about things and that's fine
but i'd say 90 percent of the time conversations just need to be about regular stuff whatever you'd
normally talk about the weather a netflix show the ball game whatever's going on in the family
the latest gossip doesn't matter but just make sure it's not all heavy talk about recovery
all right here's your next don't don't put your head in the sand and think to yourself oh thank
goodness we got this problem conquered and it's all over and i can relax now and you let your
guard completely down there's gonna be some ups and downs in the process it's not ever smooth so
don't just put your head in the sand and think oh think god i'm done and you can just quit worrying
with it of course i don't want you to worry yourself sick but i do want you to be smart
about what's happening so instead of putting your head in the sand here's what i do want you to do
i do want you to subscribe to this youtube channel and watch more videos because when you do that
you're going to understand everything about the science and psychology of addiction
and you will be five steps ahead of it and it's going to help you feel
so much more confident and hopeful about your situation up next more strategic advice
about what to do when you're dealing with an addicted loved one