Chase: Hey guys, it's me Chasey-poo, um, listen okay, my face right now is like sweaty
I'm melting I'm sorry, I need to
Explain to you why I'm making this video right now, so today, I'm making a mental health update video
I haven't made one of these in months, because I've been busy and relatively okay, LOL
But I feel like the last time I made an update about how I'm doing, is when I was in a car accident, in Jamaica,
But a lot has happened since then
Um, we are in March now and I
Feel like I need to update everyone on some things, because I feel like I'm-I'm-I
Post cryptic things on Twitter about me not feeling very well, so I wanted to talk about it, also, okay
I'm having this issue right now, where I am so busy, it's not really an issue, I mean whatever look
I'm really busy, so I'm like
My heart and my mind are racing at a mile a minute
And I feel like I have a million things to do so I'm trying to relax and do the thing that I love the most
In the world which is make videos so that's what I'm gonna
Do I'm a little sweaty, but let's just go with it in October
I was in a car accident
And, I made a video about how I almost died, and how it was very
Traumatic for me, because I had already been in a car accident when I was like 13, so here's the thing
With trauma is when in my for me for my body in my brain, how it works when something traumatic happens
All of the traumatic things that have ever happened in your entire life tend to come back in your mind in that split second so
That's what's been happening to me in the last couple of months
I am getting so many flashbacks, and it's really hard to talk about this
I've literally only told one other person about this, because I felt super embarrassed and I didn't want to talk about it because no one
Talked about this stuff, and it's very personal, but my whole life
I've always just made videos when I feel like poop and it's always made me feel better to just talk about it since I
technically, okay
I don't have therapy right now it over therapist, so talking about it makes me feel better, so ever since the car accident
I've been having flashbacks, um, the first two weeks after the accident were absolutely horrible
Um, you saw the state that I was in the video where I-the video is called "I almost died."
And, um, I was not okay at all I was stuttering, I just, I was in that car, okay
That's what it felt like, I was making that video, I was in the car, and he kept crashing, every time
I close my eyes, I imagine it crashing
And, it was very hard for me to move on and deal with this stuff because I-I
Have been trying to deal with the car accident, I have when I was 13 for such a long time now
I was fine for so many years, and then for some reason, I don't know what happened, just something hit me in my head like
An emotion, or a thought and all of a sudden
I realized, oh my God, all of my anxiety, all of my trauma stems from that car accident, I wasn't scared of dogs
I wasn't scared of cars
I wasn't scared of anything, and then I got hit by that car, and then I became scared of literally
Everything when I was 13, so it was a weird feeling to kind of realize that, but in the last couple of weeks, especially
This last week I have felt, like I am constantly
Disassociating, so I don't feel like I'm myself at all, and by that, I mean that I feel like I-it's happening right now, I
Know that I am a body, and that I have a mind, but I feel like I'm watching myself
And I feel like I'm not here
and it's very hard for me to put myself back into me being a body, and me being a human being and
That is the best explanation, that I can give you, I feel
Completely disconnected from myself, from my name, from my pronouns, from my clothes, from my home, from my cat
I just feel disconnected from everything, and I feel like I'm not supposed to be here, and yes also, trigger warning this entire video
Okay, there's no point tell you what triggers, because like, literally like, everything can be, I don't even know what I'm gonna say whatever
I'm sorry, I'm just
Shook right now, um, I, um
Am thinking, like this, and being very, like
Disassociating makes me feel like literally very suicidal, and it's very scary
I've been on antidepressants, for like three and a half years, or something, I've been on wellbutrin
I love it, and it's great when I was off of wellbutrin
And they were like oh, it's time for you to get off, I was not okay, so I went back on, um
I take Ativan, sometimes for my anxiety, but not often, because you can get addicted to Ativan, and that's dangerous, um
So I am really trying to manage my stuff
Alone is what it feels like, and I definitely need therapy
I don't know where this video is going to it's supposed to be a mental health update, I'm sorry
I just it just went another way, that I wanted it to the point is I'm having a very difficult time right now, and
It doesn't help that I am super busy
So I want people to understand how grateful, and how blessed I feel, and I understand that I am very
Privileged to be able to do, what I'm about to go do, I'm going on a mini tour, I'm doing a talk in Amherst
I'm doing a talk near Boston, I'm doing meetups, I'm doing a talk in, um
In Ohio, in Virginia, and then I'm going to Europe, I'm gonna hang out, I'm doing a talk in Paris
I'm hanging out in Berlin, I'm hanging out in
Stockholm, and then I have a talk two talks in, um
in England, in London, and Northampton like, and
Then I come back to America, to the United States, and I have a talk in Scranton, Pennsylvania
and then I-it just
This is amazing
I am doing every my life is where I need it to be I
Am so happy that I get to do the things that I love to do, and like talk to people, and spread my message
And like talk about my
Research, and YouTube, and stuff like that, and I feel so awesome that I'm able to do that and I'm able to travel, and meet
So many amazing people and
I hate to say this word
But okay, I'm gonna say it, but because yo, I am so overwhelmed, right now
I was away for two and a half weeks after my thesis defense was done, I went down to, um
Like a Philly area, and I just kind of hung out, and I had a talk in Buffalo, and then I came back home
Here's the thing, I have five and a half days at home, right now, currently
I am in this five and a half days, until I leave for my trip
I'm gone from March 12th to April 24th
So I have
The amount of things that I need to do in this a month, and-and the in the five and a half days, that I
Have is ridiculous, I have seven podcasts to film, I have eight videos to film for my personal channel
thankfully I already did all my transtastic videos, while I was in the States, and I edited them, and I scheduled them, and, um
That doesn't count all the other things that I need to do my life, and like I need to finish my revisions on my thesis
Because I had to revise some things, and it's just not going quick enough for me, and it's due in three days, I am just
Very overwhelmed, and it's not like I leave everything to the last minute, I'm literally always busy
I don't hang out, sometimes, I sit down and watch TV, sue me, okay
I watched one episode of "The Office" while I eat food, like it's
I'm just very busy, and I love being busy
I need to be busy, and yes
I keep giving myself things to do, like the binder giveaway and like now, I'm
Planning another big thing, and stuff like that and I love it, but at this moment in my life
Okay
All of these things combined and
All of the trauma, that I am experiencing, and the flashbacks, and the anxiety together is just way too much
You're gonna say, "take a break," "It's okay," "You don't have to post videos every day," no, no
My brain okay, my brain can't accept that, I am very type "A" I do things, and I get them done
It'll get done, but it doesn't mean I won't have 12 panic attacks while I'm doing them, okay, I'm just, I'm just very
Where honestly, I would be fine doing all these things, if I didn't have five and a half days
Give me ten days, I could do it all
That's no problem, but I feel like I'm gonna faint, because I feel like it's so much
But I will say, that I do keep myself busy for a reason
Because if I'm not busy, then I start thinking of things, and
Being in that thought pattern, and that thought area, and that cloud, and stuff like that is a very dangerous way
And a dangerous place, sorry for me to be, not to get super like depressing, or anything, like that, but I
Have to keep myself, busy because I
Can't
Think, um
If I had a therapist, I would absolutely be able to process my emotions better, um
But instead, I just kind of go through the motions
And I really want to just enjoy every moment of my trip in every moment of everything, but I feel, um
Very stressed out, once all this is done, by the way
I don't have any stress on my trip, so I'm gonna have so much fun
It's just, because I don't want stress on my trip
So, I'm doing it all now, and this I'm so, but whatever mental health update
I am not feeling okay, mentally, but I am doing great in the world, I guess, like in my world
I'm able to do things, um
Something else that's really affecting me, and this is really only for me
This is not judging anybody else, and the way that they feel about their bodies, we all feel different about our own bodies, but I
I'm not okay
Because, my my knee has been hurting, and now it's been a month of consistently hurting every second of the day
And it is starting to take an emotional toll on me
Obviously, a physical toll on me, but I
I'm-I'm having a lot of issues. I really Don't wanna start crying, right now, because it was just very hard to talk-talk about
Um, I enjoyed my knee in September 2016, and it still hurts
And I haven't run since, June of last year, May-May, June, something like that
And it was only a small run, and it still hurt when I was running, I did physio
I did the stretches, I did everything just
Nothing, happened, nothing
Anyways, I did an MRI they found nothing
I
Went private, so I paid for that, I paid for them to tell me there's nothing wrong with my knee
Can there be something wrong with my knee? Please? So we can fix it, you know what I'm saying?
So, I'm having a lot of issues dealing with the pain, and
After being in pain, for such a long time, like it really takes an emotional toll on you
And I feel like I'm crazy, because I feel like nobody believes me, I feel like people just
Think that I am not actually in pain, or that it's all in my head, and I
Don't
Want to be in pain, I sometimes can walk and I'm fine, I'm like "Oh, my God
This is so great," and I'll sit down, and then I'll stand up, and my knee just gives, and I just can't do anything, and
It ruins a lot of plans that I've had, which is something
I'm not trying to think about, in terms of going to Europe, with my bad knee, um
But it really, it's really messing with me, and
Then my stomach issues, like I just have a lot of stressors, right now
And I have an anxious gut, so I know that a lot of my stomach problems do stem from anxiety
So, I'm trying to get a hold of that, but it's really hard because I-I-I'm
In pain a lot okay, and now that I'm barely eating, because I am eating food
I'm eating a lot of bowls, a lot of good food, like nothing fried, nothing full of fat, nothing like that
Why am I gaining so much weight? I don't understand it
I literally ate an amazing bowl yesterday, then I made a quinoa, with some-with some roasted sweet potato, some marinated tofu
Um, broccoli, and cucumber
And it was just the perfect portion, because I wasn't
Full, full, full, full, full, and I was maybe just a little bit hungry, like if I had a dessert
But I don't-I don't, I can't eat anything, so I was fine, and I came home, like two hours after I ate
Because I was at work, I was eating at work, and my stomach was just bloated
Beyond
Explanation, and that just makes me feel like shit, because none of my clothes fit me anymore
I have to buy clothes that is bigger for me
Which makes me feel really uncomfortable, because I'm so used to wearing the smaller sizes, and stuff like that
And it's just, it's really affecting me to not be able to run, um
I look at my picture every day, and I can barely even look at my face
Because I remember what I look like, last year and
I'm trying so hard not to compare myself, and people are like, "Don't worry chase your knee will get better," "You'll get better,"
"You'll be able to run again,"
"You'll be able to be fit," my goal was never to be skinny, my goal was to run and
By running, I ate healthy, and by doing that I ended up losing weight
And it made me feel really great to see a change in my body, because now I was stronger, and it was an added bonus
That I lost weight, and now that I am not doing literally anything
Like my bike hurts when I pedal it, my knee hurts on my bike
I have a trainer, that I can do at home, but I have to press hard on it, so it does hurt
I could bring my bike out, when it's not snowing, because I live in Quebec there's snow everywhere
So, I have to wait for that, but I don't know, I live up a mountain
I have to go up 2 kilometers uphill, can I do that with my knee? And I could swim, I swam up to Michaels often
But, I've been traveling, so much, I can't
I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm trying to find a solution, um
And, it's very hard, and it's very what's that word, what's that word, I-I feel beat down? Um
I just feel like shit, because I'm trying to eat
The food that I'm supposed to eat, I'm doing vegan fodmap, and gluten-free, and
Yet
I'm still crazy bloated, and my stomach still hurts, like I had a really bad stomach week, last week, like it was really bad
I don't understand, what I ate the same food that I always eat, I have no idea what happened
Anyway, so this was a really fucking depressing video, I'm sorry, um I just I just wanted to update
More of myself, so that I have, like a-a
Memory of making this video, because I am disassociating, and literally feel, like I'm not real, so re-watching this while, I'm editing it, and
Posting it, and stuff like that, hopefully
Um, this wasn't too bad of a video and, um
You enjoyed it, I'm sorry, if they made you depressed, also, I know that people are gonna be like "Oh, don't worry
You'll be able to run one day," "Don't worry," "You're not fat," "You didn't gain weight,"
"Don't worry," this, is just look, okay, literally
I have to go up two sizes of clothes, like, I don't know, I don't
You don't see my whole body, when you're seeing this shot, okay
It just really sucks, um, and I'm trying to also
Hear the possibility, that I'll never be able to run again, and if I even think about that, I can't
Running saved my life
And, now running is ruining my life, because I can't run, okay
I'm gonna go, so I don't start sobbing on camera, and stuff like that
I'm gonna go eat some lunch, and um, I will see you guys later, thank you, so much for watching, and um
Oh, therapy why don't I have a therapist? Sorry, here's the thing, I travel so much
I can't have a therapist, that lives in Montreal, that I see in their office
I need a therapist that is comfortable doing online video therapy, do not recommend
Websites, like Better Health and Pride counselling, please, I'll tell you why, they wanted to sponsor a video, and
I was like okay, but can I look at your website?
So, I did an assessment on their website, that everyone should, like everyone has to do in order to find a therapist, and they said I
That my case was so severe that I can't have a therapist, so literally, no, thank you, I can't do that, I don't like that, um
So I need a therapist that, like
Focuses a lot on PTSD, and on OCD, and stuff like that, and compulsive thinking OCD, like the-the intrusive thoughts, um
Those are the two things that I really suffer with, and then, obviously, anxiety is always kind of tied to those two things, um
I need a therapist that is, online that is willing to do Skype and video chats, um
With
Like patients, and I will pay out-of-pocket, don't even care about insurance, I don't have insurance, here with therapy, anyway, it doesn't matter
I don't even care how much it costs, anymore, I need therapy so much
I need to talk about this, because I feel like I'm going crazy, I literally was in a car the other day, and
It was raining, and it was dark, and um, I felt like the car was moving more than it should have, um
like going this, but it wasn't, and I just literally just, I
broke down, I
Closed my eyes, and I put my hands over my head, and I was, I could not-I didn't even I-I
Escaped wherever I was, the rain reminded me too much of the car accident, in Jamaica, because it was raining that day, and the
Car moving, and the-the car swishing by, and the fastness of all the cars around us
I just had a complete flashback, and I just I-I just
It was like a meltdown, like I
It's not a meltdown, it's not a break down, It's like I just stopped, I don't even know how to explain it
I just stopped, was too much, too many noises, too many things, too many textures, so much around me, too many life
I just quit it, and I just I
Just stopped, and
That was really scary, and then I-I-I
Was shaking, and I just went to sleep, and
My sleep was filled with flashbacks, and it sucks, because it's literally like a tape recorder
And you play it, and you go back, you play it, you go back, and that's literally the car accident-car accident
I literally am in the car, and I see it hitting us, I see
Anyways, that's it
So, I'm looking for a therapist, that does, if you have any
Suggestions
That would be very great, they need to speak English, they need to be a specialist in
PTSD and/or, no, a known, PTSD number one right now, and
Intrusive thinking, and intrusive thoughts with OCD would be great if there was a combination of both, but it's okay
They're not, they have to be trans friendly, I am not paying, like
$150 an hour, to teach somebody how to be trans friendly, you know what I'm saying?
I've had to do that before, and I'm like what am I doing? You're supposed to pay me, okay, to it to teach you about
Trans things
So, that you're competent
Not be me, paying you, for you to, whatever, anyways, I'll talk to you later, thank you so much for watching
I'll see you later, okay, bye.