Why Does Everybody Keep On Hiring Me?
All Of My Work Is Shit!
Hey, Malcolm!
Hey, Critic!
Did you know 1/3 of the world's oranges are grown in Brazil?
What an odd thing to say.
I guess it's my quirk - oranges.
Ok, I'm going to shoot the review now.
As you know there are two types of the people in this world.
Those who believe that evil is good and those who believe that evil is evil.
Tamara, why are you spewing that sloppy unfocused philosophy?
I hear you whispering.
Plan on stealing something?
Why is nobody talking right today?!
Plan on murdering me in my sleep?
What? No.
Wait a minute. It's affecting me now.
Around 85% of oranges are produced for juice.
Oranges are domes-- As you know the world is filled with people who do not understand the ramifications of--
Well now that you're here I might as well make you suffer although I really dunno why.
(Overlapping voices)
My god. I know what this is- I know what's going on here!
This is-!
The Shyamalizing
Look! A camera we can all get obnoxiously close to! (Overlapping voices)
I should've seen the warning signs:
The bad, monotone acting, the dialogue that makes no sense whatsoever, and-
-Europe loving all of this for some reason!
*Sighs* Who knows who'll be next? If I'm not careful, all of us could end up like the actors from The Happening!
Based on a title so lazily vague that the film does everything in its power to justify it,
{There's something happening in a few states.}
{Could this really be happening?}
{Whatever's happening is happening population.}
(repeats of "happening")
The Happening has garnered a reputation as one of the most entertainingly bad movies ever made.
Yep. Right up there with The Room, Troll 2, and give it time.
For years we've made references to this trainwreck but have never given it a full review analyzing why it's so bad it's... actually kind of amazing.
So let's take a look to figure out what, how, and-- well we'll never figure out why, it's Shyamalan.
This is The Happening.
It starts off in New York as two women do what Shyamalan thinks two women do,
read a book at the same time.
{I forgot where I am.}
{You're at the place where the killers meet and decide what to do with the crippled girl.}
{*laughs* That's right.}
Good thing I was reading that exact same sentence.
As the crows suddenly realizes they're on the Truman show.
{Clair?}
Well, that's what I would do if I found out I was in The Happening.
Just down the street doesn't seem to be much better.
{Christ, McKenzie fell.}
Oh, no, not poor Christ McKenzie.
But it's raining men as everybody's apparently committing suicide or having a hell of a time catching roadrunners.
This leads us to our main character Elliott, played by Mark Wahlberg.
{Look, I dunno if you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times about honeybees vanishing?}
If you have not burst out into laughter yet from the mere delivery of that line, then you are watching the greatest drama you have ever seen in your life.
No, seriously, where's the real performance? That can't be for real.
{Scary, huh?}
I mean, this is Mark Wahlberg, a pretty damn good actor.
But I'm not kidding, he does the whole performance like this.
It's like he's on a 2am infomercial!
{Look, i dunno if you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times about honeybees vanishing?}
Scary, huh? Well now you can track 'em down with our new honeybee tracker. Order now and you'll also recieve a free Sam-Wow.
As we quickly discover, he's not that great a teacher either.
{Jake? You don't have an opinion? You should be more interested in science, Jake. You know why?}
It'll make you talk like Luke Skywalker if his whinyness levels were pushed to 20?
{Because your face is perfect. Now if you were interested in science you'd know facts like the human nose and ears grow a fraction of an inch each year,}
{So a perfect balance of features now might not looks so perfect 5 years from now. Take an interest in science.}
Yes, take an interest in science after I literally insulted your face.
Hey Suzy, you interested in science? Well that's because you're a slut.
In typical Shymalan style, Jake comes up with the laziest answer worded in a way that's trying to sound important.
{... An act of nature and we'll never fully understand it.}
Aaaand that's how you got a D in this class, kid.
{Nice answer, Jake.}
Oooor nice answer, Jake.
{I mean science will come up with some reason to put in the books, but we will fail to acknowledge that there are forces at work beyond our understanding.}
Yeah, great science teacher there. Something, something, something... magic.
Like all great scholars, he acknowledges that science is just a temporary solution for the real answer.
which is just shrugging your arms, saying "Pfffff, I dunno."
{The dark lord, don't look into her eyes.}
{Ooooo~}
{Vice principal! What can we do for you?}
Well you can clear out your desk, asshole. What do you think I'm gonna say after that!?
So all the teachers are forced to abandon their students.
Typical protocol..?
As they're all gathered in one room to be told about the crisis sweeping America.
{Central park was just hit by what seems to be a terrorist attack.}
{It's some kind of airborne chemical toxin that's been released in and around the park.}
{There appears to be an event happening.}
Ok, that's a tragedy or an emergency. An "event" is a sale at Target.
Y'know, for teachers, you're not very good with words.
{Central Park? That's kinda odd.}
Yeah, terrorists rarely go after landmarks with lots of people.
This means all the students are let out early.
{What're the rules of scientific investigation?}
{Identify the variables, design an experiment, careful observation and measurement, interpretation of experimental data.}
Jesus Christ- and don't forget to recite the first 2 chapters of Moby Dick!
"Call me Ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, having little or no money in my purse.,"
{Mother just called my cell again, she's hysterical}
So while Wahlberg's friend, played by John Leguizamo, establishes his strange quirk, being his mother.
{I threw some figures at her- told her the probability of something happening in Philadelphia is very low.}
Hey, you stand out now!
We're introduced to Alma, played by Zoey Deschanel.
{She leaving you?}
{I didn't say that, it's just talk, okay? Just relax, please?}
Oh, no, we're at that Shyamalan stage where-
Critic, as you know, Jim and I have decided that we're in love even though we have no chemistry at all.
Whoopidy-doo.
No, it's bad: We're having trouble in our relationship, and we fear we'll never be a couple again.
No, no, that's just the Shyamalan talking, he always has a couple that's going through problems but is obviously gonna get together in the end.
No, Critic, as you know, this is pretty serious.
We're having some incredibly vague problems that only a supernatural event can fix.
Will you two be quiet?! Oranges!
Look, just stay in there, try to use logic, and for the love of god, don't be quirky!
But quirky is charming-
No, Jim, it's awkward! AWKWARD!
There are 600 varieties of oranges!
As you'd imagine, Deschanel's acting is about as bad as everyone else's.
But there is a certain alien freakiness about her facial expressions.
Yeah- she looks like this throughout the entire film.
It's like in every shot she realized she shit her pants and she wants nobody to realize it.
Her delivery isn't much better either.
{It makes you kill yourself... just when you thought there couldn't be any more evil that could be invented.}
*laughs* How do you even direct somebody to say a line that way?
"Alright Zoey, I want you to act like you're deaf, but in saying this line, you're hearing yourself for the first time, and you don't enjoy what you sound like."
{It makes you kill yourself... just when you thought there couldn't be any more evil that could be invented.}
That was definitely... a thing.
So Wahlberg says he'll meet Deschanel and Leguizamo at the train station.
{Where's Alma?}
{Restroom.}
{Hey Juilan.}
Why the hell'd you shoot it like that? Were you trying to make her look like a stalker?
{Hey Julian.} *screams*
{Hey Alma.} {How you doing?}
{Hangin' in there.}
Mm-hm. Typical 7-year-old response.
"Hangin' in there. Still looking for a job, got those bills to pay, it's hard being a single mother".
So while on the train they're being told that the panic is spreading.
{You okay?} {They say Boston got hit too.}
{Where'd you hear that?} {A friend from work; what about eh-that?}
Christ, that college girl who took theater as a blow-off class is acting better than you!
The train stops suddenly as it looks like they're kicking everybody off.
{What do you mean? Where are we?}
{Filbert, Pennsylvania.} {Does anybody know where that is?!}
{Hey, why would you just stop-}
Y'know, if you could take the whining of a dog and convert it into a language, it'd be this performance.
{Sorry. She whispers stuff when she gets scared.}
{We're so much the same, Jess. I don't like to show my emotions either,}
Tch. Yeah, to quote Wahlberg from earlier, "Duh" with a capital "eyughyuh".
And the danger still seems to be spreading as one man says farewell to arms in the lion's den.
{Mother of God, what kind of terrorists are these?}
"They're such hairy and yellow terrorists-- they must be from the land of Oz".
So everybody takes off as the virus seems to be right in their neighborhood and Leguizamo decides to leave his daughter with Wahlberg so he can go back for his wife.
Because... things always turn out well for people who do that, right?
{She's gonna be a lot safer with you. I have to go.}
{I got her, Julian-} {Don't take my daughter's hand unless you mean it.}
Oh I'm sorry, why don't you find another couple to look after the daughter you're lovingly abandoning? You're welcome, asshole.
{There's a car}
Very good, Zoey, now can you tell which one's the plane?
So Wahlberg's gang gets a ride with a guy who runs a plant nursery poorly located next to a nuclear power plant.
... Why do I get the feeling this is all streaming from there?
"Doh! Mr. Burns, I'm afraid I caused the happening." "Simpson you idiot! Now we're trapped in an M. Night Shyamalan film! And not one of the good ones!"
"Either of them! *laughs*"
They're collecting a few things before they go, when this... bit of strangeness is said.
{We're packin' hotdogs for the road.. Y'know, hotdogs get a bad rap. They got a cool shape, they got protein... you like hotdogs, right?}
Brought to you by hotdogs. Wanna be less cautious about where your meat comes from than Chicken McNuggets? Hotdogs!
{I think I know what's causing this.} {You do?} {It's the plants.}
Wait, what?
{It's the plants. They can release chemicals.}
Wow. That's... actually the twist of the movie. It's plants.
I know it seems like I'm giving some stuff away early here, but the movie is giving away some stuff earlier here so what do I care?
We're not even 1/3rd into the film and you already gave away the big twist.
{You like hotdogs, don't you?}
... Followed by that!
D-do you need to go back to Film 101?
I think most people know this.. you don't give away the twist before you give. away. the twist!
You wouldn't open Citizen Kane with "It's a sled", it's kind of a no-brainer!
Critic, as you know, we think we know what's caused the Shyamalization.
Okay, what?
The walls.
No, we're not doing that.
As you know, it makes a lot of sense, they use lead paint-
No, even for a parody we're not doing that.
Y'know, oranges typically contain 10 segments.. maybe one of them contains Shyamalization.
Fine, make a connection to that, but we're not doing goddamn walls.
How're we supposed to make oranges the twist?
I don't know! If the freaking Giving Tree can be an antagonist in a movie, why can't oranges? Now get crackin'!
You guys like oranges, right?