Part of my work as a marriage and healthy relationship advocate is really
trying to get clients to understand how important protecting their marriage is.
And one of the new things that you have to be aware of and protect your marriage
against is micro-cheating. Now micro-cheating are the small actions
couples do every day to each other that basically don't qualify as a physical or
emotional type of affair. So there are these little integral things but just
because they're small and just because you think they're insignificant doesn't
mean they are. In fact, what happens is since these are repeated so much more
frequently and people feel them so deeply because they are the little
things, they're the little actions, and many times partners will say that means
they're the most honest actions. They have more of an impact. So I'm going to
run through a list of what's considered as micro-cheating. Now, personally or
professionally, I think some of these things would qualify as emotional
cheating, because I see a real change in a person where they're already
aligning with someone else maybe in their mind, but they're not considered
that way according to the newest research that we're talking about. So I'm
going to go through the list and then you read it and see what you think. The first
one is you complain about your problems with your partner to someone else.
In fact, you tell everybody else - your girl friends, your guy friends, maybe even
your parents, but you don't tell your partner or if you do it's snarky and
it's not explained. You're not making yourself vulnerable when you say how you
feel about it. The second one is you flirt with others beside your partner.
People call you a big flirt - that's someone who is micro cheating and even
if their partner says, "Oh, I don't mind, he's always been that way or she's
always been that way," believe me it makes them feel less. When
we have them do these tests that we have available for how secure couples
feel with each other, this is one of the things they mentioned, so it means it's
important. Thirdly, you hide money from your partner, and I personally think that
this is more than micro-cheating. It shows me that you either lack trust in
the marriage or there's something more significant going on. If I saw or
experienced that in my own marriage, I would for sure talk to a therapist about
that. Fourthly, you dress nicer for other people than you do for your partner.
You're trying to impress others more than you're more than you're trying to
impress your partner. Once in a while, that's okay, I might you might go to a
party or something and your partner says, "I love you, I don't care what you wear,"
but when you are choosing it, and you do it more when you're around
certain people or certain couples, that says something. I just would love it
if couples would talk about it - open themselves up because remember you're a
team. You should be able to talk about everything together. Next, you use the silent
treatment or eye-rolling when you're upset. These are thought of as contention. When
you can't resolve and talk about how you're feeling, you need to use body
language like getting up and withdrawing or stonewalling. Or it's, you know, not
talking to your partner because you're sulking. Those aren't healthy and those
are a form of isolating you from your partner so it's called micro-cheating
and you talk down to your partner in front of other people. This, to me, is the
most vital one, because I've seen what this looks like at parties and have also
watched their partner's eyes and the eyes say it all. They may not tell you
face to face, but believe me they're feeling it. Lastly, you're dishonest about your true
feelings. You try to cover things up or it's no big deal or forget about it.
The minute your partner says that to you, they are basically saying, "I don't trust
you to help me take this apart. I don't feel safe with you to help me disclose
what I'm feeling, or I don't trust myself. I'm afraid if I opened up I may tell you
too much and I may find that there's an emptiness in our marriage that needs
drastic help." If you start seeing these, you guys, it's really a good idea to talk
to your partner and see a therapist. A therapist is basically going to help
guide you. They're a third party. They're not going to take sides. They're going to
take the marriage's side, which is the side you need to take in order to save it.