( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, SPEAKING OF WHICH, I
SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,
HARVESTING THE BIGGEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL NEWS WHEAT TO CRAFT
INTO THE GORGEOUS ARTISANAL BREAD LOAF THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I FORGET A SLICE ON THE COUNTER, WHERE IT
DEVELOPS MOLD, WHICH CONTAMINATES A NEARBY TOPICAL
PETRI DISH, WHICH I SCRAPE OUT THEN SEQUESTER THE FUNGUS IN
ISOLATION TANKS, THEN PURIFY IT TO MAKE THE PENICILLIN OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT -- ♪
>> "MEANWHILE!" >> Stephen: OR WORDS TO THAT
EFFECT.
WHAT ARE YOU, A JUDGE?
MEANWHILE, GOOD NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO DOESN'T FEEL LIKE COOKING
THIS HOLIDAY SEASON: A COMPANY IN THE U.K. IS SELLING CHRISTMAS
DINNER IN A CAN.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S
EVER SAID, "I WISH MY FOOD LOOKED MORE LIKE A CORE SAMPLE."
( LAUGHTER ) AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE CROSS
SECTION, EACH LAYER OF THE CANNED MEAL CONTAINS A DIFFERENT
COURSE.
IT HAS EVERYTHING: SCRAMBLED EGG AND BACON, TWO
MINCE PIES, TURKEY AND POTATOES, GRAVY, BREAD SAUCE, CRANBERRY
SAUCE, BRUSSEL SPROUTS OR BROCCOLI WITH STUFFING, ROAST
CARROTS AND PARSNIPS, AND CHRISTMAS PUDDING.
AND IF YOU EAT YOUR WAY ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM, THERE'S A
SPECIAL PRIZE: CONFRONTING WHAT YOU'VE BECOME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) MEANWHILE, GWYNETH PALTROW'S
LIFESTYLE BRAND JUST RELEASED ITS HOLIDAY AD, AND IT'S
GOOP-TASTIC.
>> THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE.
BECAUSE THEY NEVER TURN OUT HOW YOU IMAGINE, YOU MUST CHERISH
THE JOY OF GETTING READY.
FIRST, PUT ON A RECORD TO SET THE MOOD.
OH, YEAH.
DO EVERYTHING IN SLOW MOTION.
MAKE THIS FEELING LAST.
>> STEPHEN: "THAT FEELING?
BEING CREEPED OUT BY THIS DISEMBODIED BRITISH VOICE.
SLOWER, GWYNETH, TAKE YOUR TIME.
HOW DID I GET IN YOUR HOUSE?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
OR IF YOU MUST WORRY... DO IT SLOWLY."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE MOMENT GETTING THE MOST
ATTENTION IS THE AD'S ODE TO SELF-CARE.
EMPHASIS ON THE SELF.
>> DO SOMETHING FOR OTHERS, BUT DON'T FORGET ABOUT NUMBER ONE.
YES, THAT IS A VIBRATOR.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: FIRST OF ALL, THE SALESMAN TOLD ME THAT WAS A
BACK MASSAGER.
( LAUGHTER ) SECONDLY, TAKING THE GOOD STUFF
FOR YOURSELF IS NOT IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS!
GWYNETH!
HAVE THE PEOPLE AT GOOP NEVER READ THE HOLIDAY CLASSIC:
"HOW THE GRINCH STOLE SEX TOYS"?
MEANWHILE, RESEARCHERS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT "PLANTS MAY LET
OUT ULTRASONIC SQUEALS WHEN STRESSED."
FINALLY, SOMETHING TO THROW IN THE FACES OF ALL YOUR SMUG VEGAN
FRIENDS.
YOU HEAR THAT, SAFRON-WITH-ONE-F?
THAT'S THE SOUND OF YOUR KALE BEGGING FOR MERCY ON THE WAY
DOWN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
COME ON!
HAVE SOME CHEESE!
HAVE SOME BUTTER!
A TEAM OF RESEARCHERS "PLACED MICROPHONES CAPABLE OF DETECTING
ULTRASONIC FREQUENCIES FOUR INCHES FROM TOMATO AND TOBACCO
PLANTS, THEN EITHER STOPPED WATERING THEM OR SNIPPED THEIR
STEMS."
WHO THE HELL ARE THESE RESEARCHERS?
( LAUGHTER ) "I NEED A MILLION DOLLARS TO
TORTURE THE TOMATOES TO SEE IF THEY... SCREAM.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S PERSONAL.
A CAESAR SALAD MURDERED MY PARENTS."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, SOMETIMES A STORY IS
SO INAPPROPRIATELY PHALLIC THAT MOST NETWORKS WON'T EVEN GO NEAR
IT.
BUT WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE THE COURAGE TO CREATE A
MEANWHILE SUB-SEGMENT -- >> "PEEN-WHILE!"
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: PEENWHILE, IN
KANSAS, ONE PERSON'S HOLIDAY LIGHTS MAY HAVE GONE TOO FAR.
>> SANTA IS GOING TO SEE MORE THAN A CHIMNEY ON THE ROOF OF
ONE LENEXA HOME WHEN HE FLIES IN ON HIS SLEIGH.
WE'RE BLURRING IT TO KEEP IT P.G.-13.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THERE IT IS.
THEY'RE BLURRING IT, SO YOU CAN'T SEE IT.
BUT WE CAN SEE IT HERE IN THE STUDIO.
HOW TO DESCRIBE IT -- LET'S JUST SAY THAT SOMEONE'S
HUNG BY THE CHIMNEY AND -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIGHT OVER HERE.
AND SANTA'S NOT THE ONLY ONE SWINGING A BIG SACK THIS YEAR.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK