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hey there everybody and welcome to this video on five signs you never formed a secure attachment
i'm your host dr dawn elise snipes
if you have difficulty identifying your feelings you may not have formed a secure attachment
when you have a secure attachment with a caregiver they help you identify what this feeling you're
having is and put a label on it so you know if it's anxiety or anger or excitement and they help
you figure out how to tolerate that distress and then how to regulate those emotions if you have
difficulty communicating your needs and wants you may have never formed a secure attachment
when you're in a secure attachment that caregiver is consistently there and attending to you
and saying what are your thoughts on this what is it that you want what is it that you need
not that they're going to meet your every single want and need but they help you start identifying
your needs and wants and articulating them saying this is what i want to have happen
they may help you learn how to compromise if you want to go to walt disney for two weeks
you know the caregiver may be like uh yeah that's not something that's even possible
how about a weekend you know maybe we can take a weekend family vacation so the caregiver
acknowledges the wants and needs validates them as
what the person has that's one of their wants okay it's not good it's not bad it may not be mine
but it's yours and i respect that i may not be able to meet it completely how can we compromise
as adults we need to be able to communicate our needs and wants which means we need to be able to
figure out what they are first and then be able to state them in an assertive way we say these are my
needs and wants they're no more or less important than your needs and wants and ideally we can find
a way to compromise to synergize create a win-win whatever phrase you want to use in order for us
both to most effectively get our needs and wants met if your boundaries are too rigid or too weak
you probably never formed a secure attachment rigid boundaries are when you have thoughts
wants and needs but you don't let anybody know about them you don't tell anybody you know them
but you don't tell anybody what they are you hold these rigid boundaries you don't let people close
to you physically you don't let people around your stuff at all you hold yourself in a fortress and
that can keep a child safe if they never formed a secure attachment if they never had somebody to
help them feel safe if they never had someone who validated their thoughts wants and needs
or worse yet if their caregivers were abusive or neglectful and maybe told them that their thoughts
wants and needs weren't important then they may have learned to say you know what i'm not going to
share there's no point in sharing because it just ends up leading to disappointment and heartache
other people's boundaries are too weak they may have thoughts wants and needs but they let
other people walk all over them and tell them that their thoughts wants and needs are wrong
and these are the ones that you should have so here you have these thoughts wants and needs now
because this is what i tell you you're going to think either way is not healthy healthy boundaries
are an analogy i often use are like a house and not everybody is going to be given a key to come
into your house whenever they want to that's only your best friends and maybe your family
not everybody's even going to be led in the front door if a
solicitor comes to the front door you're probably not going to let them in you don't know them from
adam's house cat so you're going to keep a stronger boundary with people you don't know
however when you as you start to get to know people as you develop emotional and cognitive
intimacy with them you're going to let them further into your home whether it's the foyer
or the living room or ultimately like i said they get a key to the house and they can come
and go when they want if you have wide mood swings that's a good indication you may have never formed
a secure attachment because children aren't born knowing how to regulate their emotions so a child
who feels unable to regulate their emotions often is under a lot of stress and it's very traumatic
and very stressful to not know how to control that anger or that anxiety that comes out and
so if you still have those wide mood swings if you have difficulty controlling your anxiety and anger
and you always have that may be a sign that you didn't have a secure attachment if it's something
that started later in life after a trauma or something then the mood swings could be due to
something else but if you've always had difficulty controlling your emotions controlling your temper
there's a good chance you didn't have a secure attachment and if you have low self-esteem you may
not have formed a secure attachment when a child grows up not being able to identify their emotions
not being able to identify their thoughts wants and needs not being able to communicate
their needs and get their needs met then they start feeling like they are unworthy because
nobody's meeting their needs if they grow up in an environment in which nobody pays attention to them
or any attention is negative attention that also contributes to their low self-esteem because it
says to them nobody wants to spend time with me i must not be lovable i must not be good enough
strategies to address not having a secure attachment start becoming more mindful of your
thoughts wants and needs check in with yourself throughout the day learn assertive communication
skills so you can start telling people how you feel what you want what your opinions are in
a safe way you're not going to do what i call radical assertiveness right away you're going
to hopefully start with somebody who is safe and start communicating that hey i have opinions
review your boundaries to determine if they're too rigid or too weak and start trying to figure out
is there if they're too rigid start trying to figure out is there anybody
i want to let in to the house a little bit further or are there too many people in
here already too many people invading my space and i actually need to set some boundaries and
get them out the door a little bit more make a list of distress tolerance skills and take
steps to heal your stress response system or your hpa axis so you don't have those wild mood swings
and make a list of all the things you like in other people once you do that review that list
and figure out what characteristics on that list you already have start trying to figure out why
you are lovable for you look at a child identify what it is about a child that makes them lovable
and then look at that list and identify which of those characteristics you already have secure
attachments teach people that they are lovable for who they are how to identify and regulate
their emotions how to set and maintain their boundaries while still communicating their needs
a more in-depth video on developing attachment can be found at all ceus.com slash attachment