The State of the Union address,
the one night a year
Joe Biden stays up past 6:00 p.m.
It's also the one night a year
where the president gives the country a status update
about how things are going.
Which, if we're honest, has always been
a little bit weird to me, you know?
It's like, why does it only happen once a year?
You know? You get more updates
from your doggy day care in one afternoon
than you get from the president in an entire year?
That's a little weird. But whatever.
The point is it's an important night,
which is why everyone,
everyone from senators to Supreme Court justices
to military generals all show up.
Although this year was interesting,
because there were fewer people in attendance than normal
because some lawmakers
didn't want to follow the COVID protocols.
Yes. Like Marco Rubio, who said,
"he didn't have time to take a COVID test."
And honestly, "I don't have time to take a COVID test"
is a brave stance
for someone who's tweeted, like, 50 times
in the last 24 hours.
To be honest, it's actually kind of relatable.
You know? This is like when I say,
"I don't have time to make dinner."
'Cause I'm watching TikTok.
You seen those otters? Oh, they're so cute.
They'll kill you, but they're cute.
But once everyone who had 40 seconds
to take the test was seated,
it was time for Joe Biden himself
to enter the chamber and greet his guests.
And I'm proud, ladies and gentlemen,
to say that we at The Daily Show have exclusive footage
of what he said to these people
as he walked to the podium.
Madam Speaker, the president of the United States.
(cheering and applause)
BIDEN: Hey. Oh, shit.
I can't find my speech.
Hey. Hey, quick. You, what's the state of the union?
Hey, how you doing? Is the union strong?
Is it weak?
Is it emo?
Or is there a vibe shift?
Oh, shit, I'm running out of time.
Uh, I'll just wing it!
(inhales) I know. Rough start.
But Biden recovered, people. Oh, he recovered.
You see, Joe Biden launched into this speech
that touched on everything.
Russia. COVID. Inflation.
Whew! And so much more.
NEWSMAN: Entering a chamber filled with yellow and blue,
the colors of the Ukrainian flag,
President Biden forcefully condemning Vladimir Putin.
He thought he could roll into Ukraine
and the world would roll over.
Instead, he met with a mall... a wall of strength
he never anticipated or imagined.
He met the Ukrainian people.
NEWSMAN: Ukraine's ambassador to the U.S.
receiving a standing ovation
and an embrace from First Lady Jill Biden.
The president also suggesting America is finally emerging
from the pandemic.
Stop looking at COVID as a partisan dividing line.
See it for what it is--
a godawful disease.
NEWSMAN: And despite a fast-growing economy,
President Biden acknowledging too many people
are still feeling the pain of rising prices.
Inflation is robbing them of gains
they thought otherwise they would be able to feel.
I get it.
NEWSMAN: In one surprising moment of unity,
the president tried to move his party to the middle,
with a message on crime
that even got some Republicans on their feet.
The answer is not to defund the police.
-WOMAN: That's right! -It's to fund the police.
(cheering and applause)
Fund them.
Yeah, you heard that right.
Joe Biden said, "Fund the police."
(gasps) "But I thought that was a Republican thing.
"I thought Democrats wanted to bulldoze police stations
and replace them with community poetry centers."
Yeah, maybe, but not Joe Biden.
People forget-- I don't know why people forget this--
for years, Joe Biden has been saying
that he wants to invest more resources
and training into the police.
For years, he's been saying this.
The reason you probably might have missed it
is because of how he speaks.
"We've got to police the funding
"and fund the funders, you know?
Come on, Jack. He's a fine Negro."
Putting multiple speeches in one.
I see what he's doing. He's saving time.
So, look, this was not a surprise from Joe Biden.
And, honestly, I-I'm just glad
he didn't get too swept up in that applause
and go even further.
"Fund the police!
"All lives matter!
"Let's go, Brandon!
Wait, that was about me?"
But it is kind of crazy that nothing has really changed
when it comes to the police, right?
Just think about it for a moment.
Like, whether you want to defund the police
or-or, like Biden, spend even more money on reforming them,
you've got to admit that neither of those things
have actually happened.
And fatal police shootings actually went up last year.
Yeah. So, really, when you think about it,
after all the marches and the protests
and the national conversation, all we really got
was Nancy Pelosi's kente clothing line.
But aside from policing and COVID and Ukraine,
Biden also brought up a lot of policies last night
that he wanted Congress to pass this year,
like letting Medicare negotiate the price of drugs,
and doubling clean energy production,
and raising taxes on corporations,
and strengthening voting rights,
which are all great ideas that I can't wait for him
to bring up again at next year's State of the Union.
'Cause, I mean, if we're honest,
none of that shit is going to pass through this Congress.
But Biden himself was doing his thing, man.
He was giving a speech. He was in his element.
And Biden being Biden, there were a bunch of moments
in the speech that were just a little bit weirder
than they had to be, you know?
Um, like when he said this.
If you get COVID-19, the Pfizer pill reduces your chances
of ending up in the hospital by 90%.
I've ordered more pills than anyone in the world has.
Okay, okay.
I guess the party's at Joe Biden's house tonight!
It would be funny if he meant
that he ordered all of those pills, but just for himself.
If I get corona, I'm all set.
Good luck to the rest of you bitches.
Oh, and then, there was also this moment
where Joe Biden was praising the people of... Ukraine?
Putin may circle Kyiv with tanks,
but he'll never gain the hearts and souls
of the Iranian people.
(laughter)
Technically true.
It is technically true.
Putin can do whatever he wants in Ukraine.
Nothing will make the Iranians back down.
You know, at times, this speech was like a birthday card
from a four-year-old.
A lot of words didn't make sense,
but you got what it was trying to say.
And a pound of Ukrainian people--
proud, proud people-- pound for pound,
ready to fight with every inch of energy they have.
Proud-- Pound, pound, proud pound-pound, proud.
Wasn't a bad save, you have to admit.
It wasn't the worst save in the world.
Here's a question I have-- honest question, America.
How come no politician in this country can ever just go,
"Excuse me," and then correct themselves.
Like, why do they just carry on as if it wasn't--
Trump did this all the time, too, you know?
They always got to twist the words and then
make it sound like they didn't mess up.
"This country was built on fandom--
"freedom-- a fandom, an idea of freedom.
"And who's not a fan of freedom?
"Anyway, this country was built on freedom
by a guy named Fandom. I love Fandom."
And then, of course, there was the thing that Biden said
right at the end of his speech,
which wasn't a mistake,
but left everybody confused.
God bless you all!
And may God protect our troops.
Thank you.
Go get him.
(crew laughing)
I'm sorry-- "God protect our troops.
Go get him"-- go get who?
Go get God?
Or the troops should get Putin? Who-- Go get him who?
What-what is that?
What, does Biden just randomly shout, "go get him" sometimes?
I mean, it would explain why his dog kept attacking people,
but honestly, the weirdest moments
were-were, like, Biden just, like, doing his thing.
He's like, "Go get him."
Go get 'em? Go get him? Was it one, singular, plural?
I don't know.
I-I-- Actually, I-I stand corrected.
Those weren't the weirdest moments, actually.
The weirdest moments didn't come from Biden.
No, they came from the people who couldn't figure out
when to clap for Biden.
Like this moment from Chuck Schumer.
The American Rescue Plan...
-(applause) -(booing)
The American Rescue Plan helped working people
-and left no one behind. -(cheering, applause)
That was hilarious. You see that?
It's like he-it's like he was trying to rehearse
his standing ovation.
"Okay, first the legs, and then you put the hands...
Okay, I think I got it guys, I'm ready, I'm ready."
Look, man, there's a simple rule in life:
if you stand up in a speech at the wrong time,
you've just got to commit.
All right? You stand up, you clap, and then you
walk out that building and straight into the ocean.
And you die like a man.
And if you thought that was really bad, then please,
tell me what the hell Nancy Pelosi was doing here:
And our troops in Iraq have faced-- and in Afghanistan,
have faced many dangers. One, being stationed at bases
breathing in toxic smoke from burn pits.
[applause, cheers]
Many of you have been there.
I've been in and out of Iraq and Afghanistan over 40 times.
[laughter]
Wha-What is that?
What is that? Huh?
Looks like someone found all those pills Joe Biden ordered.
"Ooh, shit!"
Like, her face, her hands, her body.
Such a weird, like, giddiness.
You know what it looks like? It almost makes her look like
a cartoon character that's floating towards an apple pie.
"Ooh, tasty!"
And I-I can't get over the hands.
Like, just l-let it go.
It-it looked like she was playing rock, paper, scissors
with herself and then somehow just ended in a makeout sesh.
"Oh, yeah, you like that rocks, don't you?"
So, that was basically the State of the Union.
That was it in a nutshell, to be honest.
I mean, according to Joe Biden,
inflation is bad, but he will try to make it better.
Drug prices are bad, but he will try to make it better.
And I don't know who "him" is, but someone's coming to get him.
And you know what? That makes me...
[laughter]
Just me?