- So, I was hanging out with my younger brother recently
and we got into a conversation about
how great an older brother I am.
I brought up the topic.
(audience laughing)
And he was being sarcastic 'cause he had remembered a game
that I had invented when I was six and he was four
called the belt game.
(audience laughing)
You see, I found my dad's belt and invented a game
where the rules were you had to
hit each other with the belt.
And that's as far as I'd gotten at that point.
Now I'm the older brother, right?
So I got to go first.
So I took the belt and I whipped him
in the eye.
(audience laughing)
And he started screaming and crying like a four year old.
And then my mom walked in, and to my surprise,
she also knew how to play the belt game.
(audience laughing and cheering)
I was like, "Mom, how do you know how to play
the belt game, I just made it up, I mean?"
Apparently she was an old pro.
Because she would take the belt and she would hit me
across the back with it.
And she said, "Now, now you know how your brother feels."
I looked back at her and I said, "No, I don't."
"I hit him in the eye."
(audience laughing)
That was the end of belt game
and a much needed return to Nerf.
(audience laughing)
There's so much hatred between people
of different faiths in the world.
That doesn't really make sense to me,
especially the hatred between the Jews,
the Christians and the Muslims.
Those are Abrahamic religions.
They have a lot in common.
The Jews have the Torah.
The Torah is the Old Testament in the Bible.
The stuff that's in the Torah and the Bible,
that makes up a lot of the Koran.
One could argue that the latter two religions
are really sequels to the first religion.
That's weird.
To hate somebody simply because they like a sequel.
(audience laughing)
That's like if I like the movie "Back to the Future"
and hated somebody liked the movie "Back to the Future 2".
(audience laughing)
You like "Back the Future 2", what are you crazy?
Where's it say anything about hoverboards
in "Back to the Future"?
When Doc Brown goes to his prophet, Marty McFly,
does he mention hoverboards and sports almanacs, seriously?
I mean, whatever man, "Back to the future 1" was...
(gasps) Don't you call it "Back to the Future 1".
(audience laughing)
There is only one "Back to the Future".
(audience applauding and cheering)
That's like my favorite movie, man,
I loved "Back to Future", it's like the best.
But I have some issues with it,
like with all time travel films,
'cause the main character is told not to change the past
'cause the present will be forever altered.
As if the present was so great to begin with.
That's the whole time, Doc Brown's like,
"No Marty, I can't change anything,
the space time continuum...
Your parents will never meet.
There'll be gigawatts all over the place.
The flux capacitator.
Oh no Marty, you can't change anything."
"But Doc, I mean, if we can prevent slavery,
I mean, shouldn't we prevent that?"
"No Marty, I can't prevent slavery, absolutely not.
If you prevent slavery, then rock and roll won't exist."
No Marty, you can't...
No Marty, you can't prevent
the genocide of the Native Americans, absolutely not.
Because then, white kids can't play lacrosse.
No Marty, you can't.
Past, no, no...
No.
Great Scott, I'm a racist Marty.
I'm a racist.
And I think I wanna be a cowboy."
(audience applauding and cheering)
There's still a lot of racism in this country.
Like what you're seeing in Arizona right now.
It's remarkable.
This anti-immigration legislation
that they're trying to push, right?
Where they would allow police officers to racially profile
undocumented immigrants,
especially people in the Mexican community.
I think that's horrendous.
But what amazes me is that people support this law.
I was watching the news.
This woman in Arizona, looking at a camera, straight faced.
She says, "Hey, we're just trying to bring the country
back to the way it used to be."
The way it used to be?
Lady you're in Arizona.
It used to be Mexico.
I mean, what are you talking about, like...
(audience applauding and cheering).
(upbeat music)