-Hi.
-Hello.
-How's it going everybody?
Welcome.
My name is Mat Shaffer.
I am a relationship empowerment and connection coach for women.
I'm here with the lovely Rebecca Boatmen.
Rebecca, tell us a little bit about yourself.
-Well, I'm just happy to be here y'all.
I'm a dating coach for women.
I really help them attract and meet the man that they really, really want.
-She's a rock star ladies and gentlemen.
We're talking to men on the street, are we not?
-We are we are, we're going to go get inside the male mind
of the male species.
In that case-- -We're not a species.
We're not a separate species. -I mean, you are.
-We're all the same species.
-We're going to ask them questions, that ladies just like you
wanted us to ask these men.
-Yes, because we both work with women every day.
So many of the questions that I think we get as coaches
are all around, "What are men thinking?
What are men attracted to?" -Why are they boasting?
-What are they drawn to?
Why do they behave the way that they do?
We're going to get you some answers here today.
So stay tuned, and we'll see you a minute.
-I was like [?]. -Are you feeling us?
-Yes.
-Hi.
We're going find a good man.
-We're going to find a good man for you ladies.
Okay. -Yes.
-We'll get some good information.
-Well, we just talked to a couple of really interesting men.
-Yes, Tobias and JT.
-Tobias has J Tizzle.
What was the question, Rebecca?
-What makes you decide that you want to pursue a woman?
It was Caitlin's question.
-That was Caitlin's question.
What makes you decide that you want to pursue a woman, right?
He's been married for what, six years? -Yes.
-Six years.
He said the thing that made him drawn to her
and really attracted him to her was the fact that she was courageous.
Right. -Brave.
-Brave.
She was a brave lady.
Right?
-[?].
-She had the courage to ask him out.
-Yes.
-That was he actually said that, which is so great,
because I talked to my girls about having the courage
to be open to connection and to communicate to men
that they are interested.
He said, that's what really set her apart, because he was dating other people.
He was out there.
He was doing his thing.
He asked her what she was doing for Valentine's Day.
What did she say?
-She said, "No, but I'm available tomorrow."
-I'm not available for Valentine's Day.
So she already had a date, right?
But she said, "I am available tomorrow."
So that's the thing.
She rejected him for that date,
but then immediately set another date with him.
Like, and gave them the invitation to move forward.
Right?
It's not about forcing things forward with the man.
-Yes, no one likes to be forced.
Can I say what I said to you right when we walked away?
-Yes. -Okay.
I told Mat, when we walked away because he was saying, he's like,
"She was courageous.
She was asking me out, she was pursuing."
I'm like, kinda like going [sound] inside, right?
I know, there's all these different approaches.
If it was a woman who was predominantly in her masculine,
I would never coach her around doing that,
because that's the behavior we have to unlearn.
Then Mat was sharing with men, there's a fear of rejection,
there's all these things.
I was like, "I absolutely get that."
They need to make it easier.
I'm 100% on board with that, saying,
"Hey, I would love to go out with you."
Like, "Hey, I would love to spend time with you."
Like, "Oh my gosh, that date was awesome.
I'd love to see you again."
You're really showing that you're available
that you're interested you're into it,
and say you hadn't gone on a date
like you can see a guy
and if you think he's good looking like look at him 10 million times
like don't be afraid to show, "Hey, I'm like into you,"
to send that like, "I'm approachable" vibe because fear of rejection is a real thing.
-Approach anxiety, fear of rejection.
I mean, these things are such pervasive forces for men.
Right?
Like men literally men will talk themselves out
of asking a woman out a 100 different ways, right?
These are women that they like, that they're attracted to,
just because there's so much fear.
Fear of rejection is one of the biggest things
that men are dealing with on a day to day.
-The whole world is, right?
-Well, Yes. -The reason you like me.
-Yes.
Everyone loves you Rebecca. Come on.
It was just a great response
and it really helped land and reinforce for me that men want a partner.
We don't want a damsel in distress.
We don't want a woman that we have to rescue.
We want to be able to be the masculine figure
and be the hero,
like we do want that, and that's polarity, but we do want to have a partnership.
-I love this because what Mat's sharing
from a very grounded intentional conscious space
but you have to consider there are men out there who, let's say,
they do want a damsel in distress,
however that relationship is going to lead to a certain life.
There are men out there who are like,
"I'm the Savior," but then ultimately if a woman's looking to a man
if you're looking to a man to save you--
-That's going to be fostering codependency.
If you need to be saved in a relationship is you're the salvation for your life,
then you're probably not actually ready
to be in a meaningful relationship. -He laughs at you if you are not ready.
That's okay.
We do the work right.
-That's why we do the inner work.
Relationship is a mirror for our relationship with ourselves.
-Oh, shut up.
No, he's right.
He's totally right.
Good, should we ask another question?
-I think we should ask another question.
-He John I'm Rebecca.
-Hi Rebecca.
-Nice to meet you.
-Okay, how long you been married?
-My wife would kill me, I think 15 years.
-Wow.
What's the secret?
-Oh, gosh, happy wife happy life.
-We were just talking about that.
-[?].
-Communication, honesty, trust.
We're all on the same page.
-Wow.
What makes you feel safe with a woman to share to show yourself?
-Safe that allows you to trust, allows you to like trust her,
and take your guard down. -Yes.
-What was it about your wife that made you trust her and want to,
you know?
-Openness. -Openness.
-Yes, someone that's easy to talk to you.
You know, it's not like she's just so shy and reserved that.
-She was outgoing.
-Yes, kind of open and talkative.
So I don't have to try to drag things out of her.
Questions.
Just being social, I guess.
-Okay.
-What keeps the spark?
I mean, you've been married now for a while, right?
-He goes, "A while like-"
-What keeps things spicy and connected and engaged?
Like, what's the secret to that?
-I say, try to make time for yourself.
We kind of make it as let's once a month,
I try to have a good date night where it's just us.
Kids enough to be alone by themselves
so even if we want to do a staycation for a day
or something like that, locally.
Just try to keep the spark as you would call it.
-Setting aside time, right? -Exactly.
-You bring her flowers still?
-Oh, gosh.
-You gotta go buy sprouts after this Johnny boy.
-No not so much flowers
but every once a while I do that incredible arrangeable stuff.
-Edible arrangements.
-Yes, send it to her work, done that a few times a year.
-That's so sweet.
-She'll appreciate it and all that.
-That's awesome.
Well, thank you for taking the time to talk us.
Appreciate it.
-Rebecca, why don't people want to talk to us?
-No.
They're afraid to be on camera.
I don't want to be on camera.
-We just need to interview ourselves.
-This guy.
Can we ask you a question?
-Sure. -Oh, all right.
We got a live one here, ladies and gentlemen.
-Are you single or married? -I'm single.
-Okay.
You like women? -Yes.
-Okay.
-That helps.
-They want to know, what causes you to want to pursue a woman?
Say you go on a date and you getting to know a woman.
What causes you to want to court her, want to date her again?
What is that for you?
-I mean, chemistry is probably the number one.
-Yes.
-Then, does she have her life together?
Is she attractive?
Is she interested?
Is she available?
-How do you know she's interested?
What signs do you look for?
-Body language.
-Yes.
-Tone of voice.
There's the touch on the wrist, that kind of stuff.
Subtle stuff.
-What creates chemistry for you?
What is it about women that we're like,
"Oh, I feel that I'm feeling that?"
-I don't think that's something specific.
I think it's just you have it with somebody, you don't.
-Like a feeling?
-Yes, you have to be in the right mind frame
and they have to be in the right place mentally as well.
-If you feel chemistry with a woman at first,
it's either there or it's not.
It doesn't often happen for guys.
This is just my own experience, tell me if I'm wrong or not.
It's not like chemistry just magically starts.
If it's not there in the beginning,
it's hard to build that with a woman like after the fact, right?
-I don't know if you can build it.
I've certainly been in experiences where I've had friendships with somebody,
and then something might change later down the road.
In most situations where you're just engaging in a date,
or an initial experience,
where that's what you're both motivated by is to get into a relationship.
Usually chemistry is either there or it's not.
-Its like a lot of women will do this thing
where they like to go on like,
"Oh, I didn't feel anything for him the first time.
I'm going to keep going out with him,"
and they'll slowly build it up over time.
I try to explain them from the male perspective.
-It's different.
They know right away.
-It's either there or it's kind of not there and so it's not really worth
like if there's no spark from the male end right off the bat,
don't spend a lot of time
and energy trying to get him to like you because like,
chances are like that's where he's at.
Is that pretty-
-Yes, it's pretty similar.
Yes, it's usually out of the gate go ahead.
-You'll know right away.
Yes, they say it takes a woman 14 dates to know,
and a man will know on the first date
whether he sees--
how he sees the woman or not.
Whether you want to categorize her
but for women, it takes us longer to feel safe
to then become aware
and know whether that's the way we see the man or not.
-14 dates?
-Okay.
-Sorry about that.
-I was going to film you.
-The man is shutting us down.
-That's okay.
-That's okay my man.
-Just policy.
It's not me, it's supervisors.
-Of course. -We look fun that way,
he's going to follow us.
-Now we know we know the toxic masculine.
Thank you so much for your time.
-Of course. Yes, you bet.
-Appreciate it, man. -Good luck.
I watch your videos.
-[crosstalk] behind your videos.
-See you.
What are you attracted to in a woman?
What is it about women that makes you excited?
Makes you want to get to know them better?
-Hey guys, I don't want to get in trouble with my bosses?
-Ah. I'm sorry about that dude.
-See this little man I want to interview him.
Can we interview him?
-What do you like in women?
[crosstalk]
Okay, we're shutting it down, we're shutting it down.
All right guys, so we're in trouble with the law.
Rebecca, we're in trouble with the law.
We're going to shut it down.
We'll see y'all later.
-Love you. -Love you.
Bye-bye.
-What a day?
-What an-
-Couple of days. --adventures?
Couple of days of adventures.
-I know.
Many men, so many insights.
-Many men, so little time.
-We want you guys to have that problem.
That's a good problem to have.
-We really do. -Good men though.
Quality men. -Quality man.
What did we realize?
What do we discover from talking to these men Rebecca?
what do you think?
-Many things.
I would say one of the things that really stood out
and was a theme is confidence from a woman.
-Yes, a woman who knows who she is
and a woman who is really comfortable in owning that
and having the confidence to ask for what she wants.
Then the other thing I would say is the clarity.
The clarity to know what it is that she wants.
That was a really big deal
for a lot of these men that we talked about
when they would connect with these women,
these women were clear.
Men, really, as much as I think Cosmo wants you to think that it's all about-
-Cosmo. --games and manipulations and strategy.
Men are simple creatures
and I think we really prefer women who are very simple and clear
in expressing what it is that they want to men.
-I think one thing to touch on, if any of you guys are listening to this,
and you're like, "That sounds easy but sometimes it's so hard."
When gathering clarity around what it is, you do want,
know that it's not greedy or selfish to desire a committed,
loving, safe partnership.
I find that some women will shrink down or think like,
"I don't want to ask too much."
Then they end up settling
and it's just a whole series of problems that never needed to happen.
You don't have to waste all your time over here,
if you're willing to be unapologetic
about what it is that you do want from a loving powerful space,
not from a ultimatum type of space.
-It's not an ultimatum
and what you said there about partnership.
Be clear about what it is that you want,
and be willing to ask
for a man to be in partnership with you.
Be clear, be confident,
and just be open with men because at the end of the day,
we don't want games
and we're attracted to women who know what they want
and if you use that clarity, and you have confidence,
you're going to get attraction and commitment truly from that,
because that's what partnership is.
A man doesn't want a partner who he can't trust.
-I think it's important to know, Mat,
you're speaking from a very empowered masculine space
and there are men out there essentially that do want to play games,
right? -Oh, 100%.
-Know that if that's what you're doing,
know that you'll find someone who will entertain that dance with you.
However, I know that you're watching this
because you're in Mat's world
because you want a committed happy loving partnership
so it's going to also take you being willing to not entertain
those types of men,
which also takes becoming someone different
and being someone different.
A part of a huge piece of that is clarity and sharing what it is you do want
with the male in front of you.
-Absolutely, if you play games,
if you come into a situation or connection with a man playing games,
and he's going to respond with games.
You're going to get out of a relationship and out of a connection with a man,
what you put into it.
If it's a guy who maybe could go both ways, he could play games,
or he could be straight up with you,
and you come to him with games,
that's the version of him, you're going to get.
-True, you're going to be a magnet for it.
-You're going to be a magnet for it, exactly.
-If you go on a date, and the guy's all about games
and he's in his ego and he's like,
if you're so clear on what it is, you won't even entertain that.
-It'll be a filter.
-It will be like you like,
"I'm not touching you with a 10-foot pole."
-He'll pick up on it and he'll divest too.
He'll pull out, he'll check out of it.
Use your clarity and your confidence as a filter
and it'll really self exclude all men who don't fit within your frame.
I hope that this helped you in your own dating,
in your own relationships.
If you're new to my YouTube channel,
take a second hit that little subscribe button.
We'd love to have you as part of the tribe
and click the link in the comments or caption.
I'm creating an awesome training for you.
I'd love for you to connect with Miss Rebecca here.
Rebecca, how can they learn more about you
or what do you want to share with my tribe?
-I would say the best thing and most fun thing is the Facebook group
where I have 2,000 women and it's all women.
We love men and I would bring Mat and I would bring men in
and interview them so we get to hear
from the male perspective which is so important.
Just search the Brave Ladies on Facebook
and we'll put a video link below. -We'll put a link.
We'll put a link in the comments and for this as well, absolutely.
She's got an awesome community.
Look at that, you want to be connected to this girl, come on.
-You can ask any questions, just request to join in
and I'll go in there and click accept and I would love to have you in there.
-Awesome.
Well, thank you so much for playing with me, Rebecca.
You made my trip to San Diego just was amazing.
Thank you, sweetie.
-You're welcome.
-All right. -We love you.
-Love you and love you.
We'll see you next time, all right.
Bye-bye. -Bye.