- Bruh, I can't wait to party hard tonight
while wearing a mask...
and standing six feet apart.
Dude, why even bother? I might as well just study.
The school plan on testing and contact tracing
is not very clear.
However, they did give me a mini bottle of hand sanitizer,
as well as a mask with the school logo on it,
so I think it's safe to say
they're pretty serious about this.
What did I do over the summer?
I kept it pretty simple.
I mean, I made a me-shaped indent in my bed,
walked between my room and the kitchen several times
just to get some exercise.
I averaged about 89 steps a day.
I even went to Wegmans a few times,
which was really exciting.
All right, I got my keys, wallet, laptop,
ready to go to class.
And I nearly forgot my mask.
Haha, not today, Satan.
We went over the syllabus today in class, I think.
I'm not really sure,
because it was really hard to understand the professor
through the mask and the face shield
and the plexiglass barrier.
Hopefully she never tells us anything we need to understand.
I couldn't focus at all in class today
'cause the guy sitting next to me
had his nose sticking out of his mask.
He might as well have been there
with his dingle hanging out,
that's how distracting it was.
Dang, all my classes are on Zoom,
and I'm still late every day.
The dating scene here isn't so hot.
The most action I've gotten
is when the nurse shoved the swab up my nose
to test for COVID.
It was like she was trying to swab my brain.
You might say it was an intimate experience.
I met this girl at the student union building today.
She was super cute.
At least from here up, I mean, that's the thing about masks.
You could be chatting up this girl you think is an eight,
underneath the mask, turns out she's a four.
Wait, where did you say you were from?
- [Man Offscreen] Florida.
Oh (beep), I gotta go, sorry.
Uh...
Bye.
I gotta figure out a way that I can build, like,
a plastic bubble for me to live in,
because this campus is disgusting.
On my way to my 9:00 AM class
I saw this chick puke in a trashcan.
She couldn't get her mask off in time.
I still see it when I close my eyes.
This is, like, the worst time ever to be a Drama major.
Like, who wants to see
a socially distanced "Romeo and Juliet"?
Instead of kissing, they just bump elbows.
It's not even textually supported.
Plus, in this day and age, it's gonna be so much harder
to get the job that this degree is preparing me for:
waiting tables.
I'd love to hang out with you guys,
but what's the distance situation looking like tonight?
Is it gonna be six feet apart, or is it gonna be, like,
clearly within arm's length of each other?
Like, would we be able to pee on each other?
I'm not saying I want to do that, I just read somewhere,
that's kind of a way that you can judge
are you far enough apart.
Yeah, I know it's disgusting, I didn't make it up.
I know I was just drinking beer
by myself in my room last night,
but I'm still worried that this might be COVID
and not a hangover.
I mean, headache, fatigue? This could be it, man.
I've got so much left to give.
Hey, this isn't one of those COVID parties, is it?
This is exactly how I pictured
the best four years of my life.
Yeah, woohoo.
College.
(phone dings)
And the rest of the semester has just been canceled.
(smooth jazz music)