Bless me Father for I have sinned this is my first online confession
My child
Oh eh.. now eh...
You're not meant to have your camera on
I'm not meant to see your face there.
Sorry father
I've never done this before
No, no me neither.
I'm working from home.
You'll have to excuse the makeshift confessional box here.
Oh, yeah, I think it looks great.
Oh, yeah. Well, it's actually just
a sieve and a breadboard
So.
Right. Well I'll hear your sins there.
Yeah, well father em, I've been idle.
Idle?
Yes. Yes Father I said I was gonna, you know, learn French.
read more books and get into cooking but
so far all I've done is share tik-toks
watched The Tiger King and put on a lot of weight
Well in these times. It's important to give ourselves allowances
They're anxious times
I myself have been idle
I've only given two live streaming masses this week
and I too have watched The Tiger King
Yeah
I've also been drinking too much
With other people?
No, by myself.
Oh good, man. As long as you're not socializing.
But isn't excessive drinking a sin?
Yes. Well, technically. Yes, I suppose. Yes.
Say two Hail Mary's.
Only two?
I thought it'd be more.
Well to help with the social distancing
We're trying to encourage people to bring their sins online.
With a 50% reduction in penance.
Well, it's not just the drinking father.
Right?
I've been involved with a married woman.
What?
I know I'm sorry father.
Now, you know, you're not meant to be meeting anyone else from another household.
Now you could have infected her
or him
or the children or something.
Oh no it was over text. We were texting.
Oh, thank god, right.
I well then, then just one Our Father.
Only one?
I mean even with 50% off that's pretty generous.
Well with the whole pandemic thing
adultery has been reduced into a class seven sin.
What's a class one?
Gaff parties
five-a-side football
unnecessary journeys and that type of thing
we've actually reverted back to the old 16th century doctrine
very relevant today
kissing and hand-holding
is punishable by eternal damnation.
Right
Well, finally Father I have the worst sin.
What is that now?
I killed a man.
You killed
a man?
Yeah, that's bad.
It is.
Yeah, I know father, but I did it from a safe distance.
What?
I shot him from the car. It was a drive-by.
I never even left the vehicle swear.
A drive-by?
Well technically I think it could be classed as an essential journey because...
He had to go.
Look you can't just go around killing people.
But I had a face mask.
It doesn't matter.
I was wearing gloves.
Look it...
I washed my hands right after
Murder is a sin and that is that.
Right, now it's not on me to go to the authorities.
I can't do that
The confession is sacrosanct.
But I would urge you to at least consider...
Oh, Jesus now eh...
Eh...
Well now you're not going to believe this
but I think I've been live streaming
this entire thing here
and quite a few of the parishioners have been watching.
Oh.
Yeah.
It was an honest mistake Father
Do you know if the courts are doing a reduction in sentencing.
I don't think they are.
Yeah.
Okay
God bless anyway.