-Welcome back to the show. -Yeah, buddy!
-We love having you here. -Cool.
-Thank you for making the trip to come see us.
-Yeah. Rough lunch today.
[ Light laughter ]
-I had lunch -- I love Outback. I went to Outback Steakhouse.
I had a bloomin' onion. -Ooh.
-And, you know what you get free with that?
-No. -Swollen colon.
[ Laughter ]
On the house. -On the house.
-No charge. -No extra for that.
-First joke, one for one. -You've got --
[ Light laughter ]
You have the audible book I want to talk about.
You have the new movie on Netflix that comes out
this Friday, "Father of the Year."
But also, I want to congratulate you.
"Hotel Transylvania 3," the number-one movie in the country.
-Aw!
-Come on! -The number-one movie!
[ Band plays, cheers and applause ]
-I didn't know that. -You are The Invisible Man.
You didn't know it is was the number-one movie?
No, it's news to me. I'll take your word for it,
though. That's great. I don't pay attention to
that stuff, but -- [ Light laughter ]
-Oh, my gosh. -No, I'm The Invisible Man.
-That's right, it's great. -He's sort of the funniest one.
[ Light laughter ]
Out of the 90 monsters. -Yeah.
-No, but it's really a fun movie.
And we had a big premiere. And you know, I brought
my daughter, Harper, she's nine. And she wanted to see it.
She likes 'em all. And my brother's daughter,
Bea, and then my mommy.
So, I brought them all out for the premiere.
-That's cool, your mom came too? -Yeah, yeah, she liked it.
She has lupus, she doesn't fly a lot.
But she goes, "I'll come, I'll come."
She was all excited. So she comes out.
And they all want to see Selena Gomez, of course.
She's a huge star, you know? -Yeah.
-They're sort of bored of me. So, I've sort of leveled out
at this point in the excitement meter.
And then -- so we get there and I go, "I'll figure it out."
'Cause she's in the theater, but we don't know where.
-They want to meet Selena. -Yeah, yeah.
But she's got a hoodie on, so I find out where she is
through my recon and show-biz connections.
And so I go, "Will you say hi to my daughter and my niece?"
She's like, "Of course." Takes the hoodie off,
and then there's a little buzz. Oh, yeah.
Because now she's -- I've exposed her, of course.
And then, gets her thing off,
fluffs -- she has a beautiful dress on.
'Cause I know I'm such a jerk, if they wanted me to meet
someone I'd just sit there and go, "Hey!
Hey, how are you?" You know? [ Light laughter ]
And then, that's a wrap. But -- -She's a pro.
She's Selena Gomez. -She's a pro.
-The hair, and then she gives Harper a hug, very sweet.
-That's nice. -Gives Bea a hug.
And then my mom's across the aisle, and you know moms.
She goes -- I go, "Oh, say hi to my mom."
And then my mom goes, "Lupus!"
[ Laughter ]
I go, "Eh," because Selena has lupus and so does my mom.
And I go, "Is this what we're opening with?"
And so she goes, "Oh, yeah, no."
And she goes, "I have it, you have it."
And then she goes -- like it's fun.
And then Selena goes, " Oh, yeah, lupus."
And then I go, "Oh, we're changing gears."
I see her go -- and then she goes, "I know, I'm always tired.
Are you tired a lot?" And she goes, "Nope,
full of energy!" And I go, "Mom!
-Mom! -Play along!
She's trying to relate to you." -She's making small talk.
-But my mom's so star-juiced to meet her, she's so excited.
-No, I have great energy, yeah. -Then everyone swarmed her,
you know, because once she's up they're like meerkats.
Everyone's like, "Selena." So, then everyone ran over
and we go, "Hey, nice to meet you.
Take it easy." And then, she got swamped.
-You split. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Well, you're a good man for doing that.
There you go. -Yeah, yeah.
-But you, every time you come here, there's always
some experience about you flying that's very interesting to me,
because it's always -- -Always flying.
Always on the road. -Do you have a favorite airline?
I have a couple I don't like. [ Light laughter ]
No, I think they're all very good.
I've been -- sometimes I have to fly Southwest a lot
to Arizona and back. Southwest is one of
those airlines that sort of jumps around quickly.
It's a little bit, you know -- you know, I don't want to say
anything bad about them. It's fun.
They wear shorts. Yeah, it's fun.
[ Laughter ]
-They all wear shorts? -They all wear shorts.
'cause they're drenched in sweat,
'cause Phoenix is their hub.
So they're always, like, on the loudspeaker --
first of all, they go, "Don't get on until
we clean the plane."
You know it's literally one guy with Febreze going, "All right,
bring them on! [ Laughter ]
Bring on the cattle."
-Cleaning the plane, please. -Yeah, it's a little --
they do a lot of flights.
And then I go, "Hey, I think I found a dog tooth
in my seat-back." And they're like, "Hey,
we don't get every nook and cranny, narc.
Let's Yelp it down a notch, guy."
-Narc, that's great. -So then I'm standing,
and they're like, "Just sit down!
We've gotta push off the gate." So concerned about the gate.
"Push off, push off.
There's no aisle seats, it's all middle.
We're the all-middle-seat airline, you know this."
I'm like, "We are?"
It's almost impossible. It's only middle seats.
So we all sit down.
"Quit looking for overhead room, there's nothing!
Sit down!
Put your crap in your lap, let's go!
This flight was $89. You know what you're getting."
[ Laughter ]
So I sit there and then -- you know, it's never like
a relaxed half-full flight.
It's like, "We're packed to the gills!
We've oversold it by 300. [ Laughter ]
We have no idea how it works. We have no idea
what we're doing here. And there's no food.
We've got five bags of peanuts left.
Halfway through, we're gonna shoot them out
with a T-shirt gun. [ Laughter ]
All right, look alive, people! Heads up!
One of them's honey-roasted.
-Oh, that's good. You're lucky to get that.
If you have a peanut allergy, tough [ bleep ].
Two bags are already opened!
[ Light laughter ]
You're soaking in it! It's in the air."
-Oh, my gosh. You're soaking in it.
-Oh, my heavens. -They don't care.