Hey, listen, I don't know if you've been paying attention,
but it appears there's going to be a presidential election
this year.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, it's true.
And in November, the whole country
is going to decide who gets the final rose.
[LAUGHTER]
That's what it's like.
And so Democrats are picking a candidate in the primaries.
It started Monday with the Iowa caucus,
and then it went into Tuesday.
Somehow something went wrong with the app
that they used to tally the votes.
And they couldn't announce the winner.
But anything called caucus, you're asking for trouble,
I think.
[LAUGHTER]
Who names something a caucus?
Caucus, caucus.
Say caucus, caucus.
[AUDIENCE TALKS]
Caucus.
Say it a few times.
Caucus, caucus, caucus, caucus, caucus, caucus.
You sound like a bunch of animals.
Caucus, caucus.
Anyway the last presidential election, less than 60% of us
voted.
I don't know what the other 40% were doing.
But this is all your fault, where we are right now.
[LAUGHTER]
We all need to vote.
That's what we need to do.
And before you vote, you need to register.
It takes two minutes.
Even if you think you're registered, just make sure.
Do it while I'm talking right now.
This is how important this is.
Raise-- so usually, I would say, don't leave.
Listen to me.
Raise the volume on the TV, so you can still
hear my hilarious observational comedy.
And then go to our website, click on Register to vote.
Voting is so easy.
For instance, let me show you how easy.
We're going to vote right now.
Who likes cats?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Who likes dogs?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Dogs won.
We just voted.
[LAUGHTER]
Some people vote for cats, some people vote for dogs.
Some people vote for a third, like a turtle or something.
They never win.
So don't vote for the third thing.
I'm not a politician, but I do know a lot of people.
What I've noticed is people have opinions.
And voting is a perfect way to share your opinion.
People also like to complain.
And here's what I say, if you don't vote,
you're not allowed to complain.
Ever.
[APPLAUSE]
About anything.
You can't, you can't, you can't complain about anything.
Traffic, weather, push-up bras.
Nothing, nothing at all.
I would like to personally encourage everyone to vote.
And here's my proposition.
The day after 2020 presidential election,
if you can show me that you voted, I will give you $100.
Yeah, call me on my cell phone.
And if I answer--
[LAUGHTER]
If I answer, I'll probably say, how the hell
did you get my number?
And who are you?
And what are you talking about?
Then you'll remind me, and I'll say, oh, that's right.
And if I have $100 on me, I'll give it to you.
Now get yourself registered, and on November 3rd,
we all have to vote.