- And having OCD just
sucks so much and people don't get it. (sobs)
Hi, my name is Leighton.
I'm a model and I have OCD.
So I mainly do commercial modeling
which is print and social media
and kind of the things you see in magazines.
I decided to get into modeling because I was told
that I probably couldn't with my OCD
and I was like, "I'm gonna try."
(gentle music)
I was first diagnosed with OCD when I was about three.
My parents noticed that I was crying a lot.
I was not really able to function very well on my own.
Having a little panic attack. So that's fun.
And it was really hard to
see all of my friends being able to run around and play
and not really have any anxiety.
And there I was trying to do these same things
but it took about 20 times the effort.
I kept having these like extreme anxieties
even at like three, four years old.
So I started doing therapy at about five, I believe.
And I was told I was never really gonna be able to
live alone or go to college or anything like that.
OCD presents itself in such a wide range of ways.
Misconception that a lot of people have
is that it's only about cleaning,
but it's really, really not.
And I've actually never had that.
I have it manifest more as ruminations in my head
and just overthinking, over analyzing.
When I was younger, it was obviously
very visible in compulsions.
I had a lot of trouble in school
because I would be doing constant rituals
and I have a lot of anxiety just doing basic tasks,
repetitive behaviors and I was doing tapping,
which is a common thing you do in OCD,
which is kind of a ritual.
I still have little ones that I just kind of let slide.
Like when I enter a room, I always enter with my right foot.
I just kind of let myself have that.
So a day for me usually is waking up, taking my medicine,
drinking a lot of water.
Taking medicine has been really necessary
but I've also struggled with feeling
extremely guilty taking it
because I want to be able to be at myself.
And I've adjusted my thinking a lot
and accepted that, you know, medicine is okay
and it's actually something that can greatly just
make your brain more stable.
Sitting in bed and trying to deep breathe
because in the morning, I'm usually pretty anxious.
Try to do yoga every day because that just helps
kind of get all of my junk mail in my head out of my body.
Constantly thinking about, like,
trying to eat as much as I can
because I get so anxious that I completely forget
or it's really hard to eat sometimes
and that's something I've struggled with a lot.
Also really hard to eat when you're panicky.
So... (sniffs)
Shoutout to Gogo Squeezes
and Larabars.
Usually, I have a job sometime during the day
so I prep myself.
I don't usually have a lot of ticks, but I do have a few.
And it's like always in the morning
when I'm doing my skincare, getting ready stuff.
As hard as I've tried and worked to get rid of all of them,
there's a few that I don't really have
the energy to push away.
Okay, so I've always had a weird thing
with having to have things start in my right hand.
So whenever I get, like, any sort of product or something
that I'm doing in the morning,
I always start with my right hand
and put it on my left hand.
I go into my car before I shoot and I calm myself down.
I do a lot of deep breathing techniques.
Then I go into the shoot.
A lot of times I will tell the photographer that I have OCD
and that I potentially can get a rash on my chest
because I just get anxious.
People ask about it.
They're like, "Oh my God, what's on your chest?"
And then obviously, I get more self-conscious.
I am very thankful to have some really great
makeup artists that can cover it up.
And they're pretty receptive.
If I get a rash, we address it
and allow me to like have a minute of space
which has been awesome to, like, be able to say
"I need space and I just need a second to
calm myself and realign myself before we shoot again."
And most photographers have been really, really
great about that, which I'm super appreciative of.
But in general, I've had pretty positive experiences,
which I'm really thankful for.
Then I go into the shoot, do my thing, come out,
usually a little bit anxious
so I give myself again some time to deep breathe
and think about everything I've done.
Usually, I have a bar right away.
Meal-in-a-Bar.
Yay.
If I don't have a shoot, it's a little harder for me
because I really like having to schedule things.
But if I don't have a shoot, I usually do other work.
Like, kinda make music or I do art
or something to keep my mind busy.
For me, going outside and going on walks
has been super helpful because it really pulls me
out of my head and makes me realize
that not everything is in my head
and there's so much more of a world out there.
I'm really obsessed with my water.
It's a kind of a security thing for me.
So I drink a lot of water before bed.
At nighttime, I turn on my little white noise machine
and it makes this little projector
of lights on top of my room, which I love
and it makes me feel like I'm in a little cave and cocoon.
It makes me feel a little safe.
I tried to do more deep breathing, try some meditation.
Sleep has been a very difficult thing for me
especially with my OCD.
I dream about my fears a lot.
And that has been very, very hard on me.
I recently was able to talk to a sleep doctor.
So it's been a lot of figuring out the right medicine,
figuring out the right sleep time.
And that has helped me kind of get onto a better schedule
to sleep, which is in turn helped my anxiety a ton.
(gentle music)
One of the things I've always liked to do
is to challenge myself on things
that people say I can't do because I have OCD.
And one of those is modeling.
Getting in front of a camera is like the opposite
of what someone would think someone with OCD would do.
So modeling kind of requires you to be out there,
to look really confident, to be, you know,
really able to just jump in and do anything.
And with OCD, it's kind of the opposite
'cause I, for example, over analyze
everything I've ever done.
And in modeling, you kind of have to
just push that all aside.
And I think that's maybe why I like it
is that I was able to compartmentalize
and put my anxiety in a corner.
And then, when I went and do the actual physical shoots,
I get a release, but I analyzed to the extreme,
to the extreme until I get to the actual shoot.
Before modeling, I usually think about
where my hair looks like, what I'm going to do for poses,
how I'm gonna stand, what the camera's gonna look like,
and aware I'm gonna be in front of the camera.
I, like, think every little thing out.
So I've kind of just learned to push through that.
And, you know, being in front of a camera,
especially with something I never thought I would ever do.
And I finally got to a point where I was like,
"You know what? This is who I am.
If I get anxious and I have a rash,
that's just gonna happen and that's okay."
Coming from a place where I was told
that I wouldn't be able to live alone,
to go to college, to make my own path by myself.
And now, being able to say that I make music
and I model and I live alone full time
is something I am so incredibly proud of.
And OCD will always be a part of me
and it's always gonna be something that
I'm gonna work with every day and then have ups and downs.
But I'm really proud of myself for pushing through and
making it to a place where I'm stable enough
to live on my own.
That is something that I'm really, really proud of
is living with it, being able to fully live my own life,
pushed through when people told me that
I wasn't gonna be able to,
and create something that I never thought in a million years
would be possible.
Anxiety is something that you deal with
but it's not gonna make or break your life.
And that some lesson that I learned
that really, really helped me.
So I hope that my story can show you that
you can kind of go after your dreams
and make anything possible.
(gentle upbeat music)