Everybody shut up, uh!
Everyone listen up
uh
If you can’t write, in the proper way
If you don’t know, how to conjugate
Maybe you flunked that class
And maybe now you find that people mock you online.
Okay, now here’s the deal I’ll try to educate ya
Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature
You’ll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions
Literacy’s your mission
And that’s why I think it’s a GOOD TIME to learn some grammar
Now, did I stammer? Work on that grammar
it’s “less” or it’s “fewer”
Like people who were never raised in a sewer
—Word Crimes!
Like “I could care less”
That means you do care at least a little
You’d better slow down and use the right pronoun
Show the world you’re no clown
Say you’ve got an “i-t” followed by apostrophe “s”
Now, what does that mean?
You would not use “it’s” in this case as a possessive
It’s a contraction What’s a contraction?
Okay, now here are some notes— Syntax you’re always mangling
No “x” in “Espresso” Your participle’s dangling
But I don’t want your drama
If you really wanna leave out that Oxford comma
Just keep in mind that “be”, “see”, “are”, “you” are words, not letters
Get it together Use your spell checker
—write words using numbers
Unless you’re seven
Or your name is Prince!
You really need a full-time proofreader, you dumb mouth-breather
—some cunning linguist
To help you distinguish what is proper English
One thing I ask of you Time to learn your homophones is past due
Learn to diagram a sentence, too Always say “to whom”; don’t ever say “to who”
And listen up when I tell you this I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
You finished second grade; I hope can tell if you’re doing good or doing well
Better figure out the difference irony is not coincidence
And I thought that you’d gotten it through your skull about what’s figurative and what’s literal
Oh, but just now, you said, you “literally couldn’t get out of bed”
That really makes me want to literally smack a crowbar upside your stupid head!
—e-mail
It’s quite apparent, your grammar’s errant You’re incoherent
Go back to preschool Get out of the gene pool
Try your best to not drool
Word Crimes!