I don't know if you're aware of it, but there was a sequel to 1977's epic sci-fi fantasy Star Wars.
"What?!"
This movie, called The Empire Strikes Back, was directed by Irvin Kershner and written
by Lawrence Kasdan and Leigh Brackett, none of whom are George Lucas, the writer and director
of the original film.
As such, it doesn't really adhere to the continuity or intentions of the original, obviously made
in an attempt to "subvert our expectations" and ruin the vision the original director
had in mind for his saga.
I'm not just talking about the big twist that Darth Vader is Luke's father--though that
is obviously a stupid twist that ruins several characters, such as turning Obi-Wan Kenobi
into a liar and making the coincidence of Luke Skywalker's place in the story even
more ridiculously convoluted--but also all the completely unnecessary twists throughout.
There's supposed to be a jedi master on this swamp planet, but surprise, he's actually
this goddamn muppet whose house Luke just randomly happens to crash next to.
The Millenium Falcon takes refuge in an asteroid cave, but surprise, it's actually the mouth
of a giant space worm-- "What?!" --that just sits there with its piehole open all the time
and can somehow survive without an atmosphere around it.
Thank goodness our heroes figure this out before it bothers to, you know, swallow.
Then there's Lando Calrissian, a black man obviously included to tick some SJW quota
who is supposed to be a good guy who's friends with Han Solo, but surprise, he's actually
going to double-cross Han and then, surprise again, he's going to double-double-cross Darth
Vader and try to be a good guy again.
"Han!"
"What?" "Han!"
"Why did you say that name?!"
If that was his plan all along, why did he keep it such a secret?
And oh no, somebody killed C-3PO, but wait, no, the wookie can totally put him back together again.
"Geezbeasties! What's happened to his head?"
"It's on backwards!"
Oh, and you think this movie's going to have a happy ending, but nope, it was all just
an extended set-up for the next movie instead of being its own story.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is lazy writing.
It also totally breaks the rules created in the previous film.
For example, Darth Vader can now sense, across light-years of space, that Luke Skywalker
is on Hoth, and not only that, he shows that he can force choke a dude from across that
same distance.
Why does he need to do any fighting then?
Why doesn't he just sense all of his enemies and force choke them?
I'm sure there are some fanboys out there who want to make excuses for why that won't work
or why Darth Vader doesn't sense Obi-Wan or Yoda or the Yavin base, but those fanboys
are deluding themselves.
Kasdan has ruined the entire Star Wars universe.
[Robot vomiting noises]
Also, apparently, death is totally meaningless.
Sure, in the first movie, Luke could hear Obi-Wan's advice in his head when he was attacking
the Death Star, but now we learn that Obi-Wan can totally appear as a ghost whenever he
wants, can talk to whomever he wants, and is basically just still around, rendering
his sacrifice in the first film utterly meaningless.
And since we're on the subject of the Death Star, a weapon lauded for its unprecedented
ability to destroy a planet, now the Empire has whole fleets of ships called "Star Destroyers."
If they can destroy stars now, why did they even bother building a Death Star and why
do they bother invading Hoth when they can just blow up its parent star and be done with it?
And speaking of Hoth, why did the Empire build their ground invasion force with wobbly legs
that can be taken out so easily with frickin' tow cables?
Are you seriously trying to tell me out of the thousands of planets the Empire has conquered,
not one of them has noticed this ridiculously obvious design flaw?
And why would tiny Rebel ships have tow cables to begin with?
What are they supposed to tow, Jawas?
"Utinni!"
And let's not forget the forced romance between Leia and Han, who are separated from Luke
because the plot says they need to be and who somehow form a relationship with each
other based entirely on harrassment and sexual assault.
Anyway, thank you for letting me get that off my chest.
It's too bad the executives at 20th Century Fox decided to ruin such a blossoming franchise
by giving to a hack like Irvin Kershner.
"I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
I hope, since they brought George Lucas back to help write the third one, that he was able
to restore some of his original vision.
[Ewok gibberish]
"He's my brother."
[Ewok music]
Ugh, dammit.
And that's all for today, my fellow Earthlings.
If you're watching this video on any day other than the day it was originally published and
if my sarcasm wasn't obvious enough, know that this was put out there on April Fool's Day.
I had to watch a lot of whiny, hate-fueled YouTubers bashing The Last Jedi in order to
make this video happen, so hopefully my sacrifice hasn't gone unappreciated.
Please drop a like and subscribe if you haven't already.
Rest assured I'll return to my regularly scheduled program with my next video, but until then,
this has been the Unapologetic Geek, telling you to never be ashamed of what you love,
as long as you're not hurting anybody.
[Chewbacca roaring in frustration] "I trusted them to fix it! It's not my fault!"