i haven't given up on love
i haven't i i'm a softie i don't know i
had an audience member uh asked me after
the last show they're like do you date
audience members
and i
don't and i don't here's why it's
because most comedy clubs are full of
alcohol have at least a two drink
minimum and people are hammered at the
end of the night so they've been
drinking and i always get the worst
pickup lights this guy literally
stumbles over to him and goes yo do you
really have a kid
and i said yes i have a son he goes you
want to go halves on another one
write that one down sparky
and my work
so now we're trying the online dating
thing you know and
and the weird thing i tried match.com oh
my gosh that is expensive to meet a
crazy person oh my gosh
right so expensive but they got all
these free sites now uh they have a new
latino site that's free it's called okay
stupid
i love them
yeah i've tried this other one called
overstock.com that's
fantastic
yeah
because you can get a couch and a couch
potato so
just
stock up you know
let's just talk to the men in the
audience on behalf of women about the
pictures because man you guys got to
change them here's the one that i never
want to see again it's this one where
you cut the ex-girlfriend out of the
picture
you're not fooling us there's hair on
your
shoulder that's not your own just leave
her in there we're crazy we want to know
what she looks like
yes when we're out we know who to cut
that's just logical
here's the other one this picture that i
cannot stand first of all this one where
they take the shirt off with the cell
phone in the bathroom
that is the room of your house you were
gonna choose to take a picture of what's
wrong with you
here's the thing men and women see
pictures completely different a guy
just looks at the woman but a woman sees
in that picture every single detail
we're like csi do you understand we see
fingerprints
we look at that picture and we see our
future okay we're not looking at you
we look at you for maybe two seconds
then you know what we see your dirty
counter
yeah we're looking right past you at
your spongebob shower curtain
we're looking right behind you going
what did he wipe his butt with that
towel
what is happening
there was a guy that actually posted a
picture in his bedroom but it looked
like a crime scene
there was literally dried up bowls of
food there was towels over the window
and a chalk outline of a dog
it is going on
i mean if you want to find a good woman
think about your picture you want to
look smart right put some books back
there
put your grandma in a rocking chair next
to you
put your sister's kid in a baby bjorn we
love that stuff
get a puppy man be smart
and here's the other thing
know
how to spell
oh my goodness i'm sure the women have
gotten these text messages both ways
women and men there's this thing on your
phone called spell check
crazy it's free guys there's this thing
called autocorrect so that you don't
look like you have a first grade
education
use it i was talking to this one guy and
we're going back and forth and he wants
to meet and i said great where would you
like to meet and he said let's do
something subtle
and he spelled it
s-u-d-d-l-e
i'll give you a minute utah
yeah and i'm like well i guess
scramble's out
oh my goodness and i was like maybe i'm
being too negative maybe it's me okay so
let me be nice and so i typed back
um why don't we just cuddle and i
spelled it c u b t l e
[Music]
you