Translator: Leonardo Silva Reviewer: Ellen Maloney
Journeys.
Let me take you along on my journey,
a personal one.
It's slightly emotional,
and you may find it downright challenging at times.
But luckily for you, I've gained quite some experience along the way
and I'm an expert by now,
and I will guide you through my journey.
So don't you worry,
buckle up -
I'm gay.
That's exactly the way my parents reacted.
(Chuckling)
We are in an Asian restaurant near the Grand Canyon,
and I'm sitting here,
together with my father and my mom.
I utter those three words, "I am gay,"
and along comes the waiter.
"Can I help you, guys?"
"Yes. For me, a beer, please."
"Certainly, sir."
"For you, ma'am?"
"For me, a beer as well."
"Okay. And for you, sir?"
"For me, a sweet white wine, please.
With an ice cube."
"Hum, Jeroen,
first of all, of course, we don't mind that you're gay.
But how do you know for sure?
Do you have a relationship?"
"No." "Oh."
"Do you love someone?"
"No." "Hmm."
"Then, how do you know that you're gay?"
When I was in the 4th grade of high school, I played in a musical -
this could already be suspicious,
but I played in -
(Chuckling)
I played in "Alice in Wonderland's." I had the role of the Cheshire Cat.
I had my hair dyed silver.
I wore a pink spencer with a pink button top beneath.
I was literally driven onto the stage in a closet,
black, decorated with stars made out of sparkles.
And I came out of this closet with an umbrella in my hand,
in the colors of the rainbow,
to sing "I'm Singing in The Rain," to the tunes of "YMCA"!
But no,
my parents never expected it!
(Laughter)
And since then, I couldn't help but wonder,
"Could I have done it any better?"
I can't do it again,
so what I did instead was look for scientific literature on the subject.
"Do scientists have an empirically proven method
that will make my disclosure as easy as possible?"
Now, reading about homosexuality, and therefore partially about myself,
is like reading a medication prescription,
because all the risks and all the benefits
of conceding your sexual identity and disclosing it
are neatly listed,
but the focus is mainly on the risks.
For example, conceding your sexual identity
is linked to diminished psychological and physical health,
lower self-esteem and depression.
But for disclosing your sexual identity, it's even worse,
because that is linked to higher chances of victimization,
harassment and even suicidality.
If I'd read these articles before this summer,
I wouldn't even have attempted to tell my parents.
I would have been scared straight.
(Chuckling)
So -
So, reading about homosexuality is hardly recommendable,
but there was one thing that I could relate to
and that both the literature and I agreed on.
That is that concealing your sexual identity is not a good thing.
From experience, I can tell you it can make for quite some stressful situations
when you're asked about having a relationship
and you have to subtly avoid talking about it.
I mean, I used to make a joke or two about it,
and then started talking about the weather or something.
Very creative.
But as soon as the literature started talking
about something called "the closet,"
whatever that is,
I found it hard to relate to the article.
And that's my main point of tonight,
because when we, and the literature as well,
use the metaphor of a "closet" and the term "coming out of the closet,"
we reinforce the idea
that coming out or disclosing your sexual identity is a single-step action.
And through the years,
this term, "coming out," has gained such a negative connotation,
as if disclosing your sexual identity
is like breaking through a reinforced concrete wall or something,
and this is not how I experienced it.
It's just plainly misleading.
Now instead,
disclosing is a journey,
an expedition,
one way you'll encounter not one single major barrier,
but instead, a variety of smaller ones along the way.
And every time you tell a friend or a colleague of yours that you're gay,
you've broken through one of those smaller barriers.
And frankly, your journey may never end,
because you'll probably have to tell new friends or new colleagues
about your sexual orientation your while life.
I mean, I feel like, me standing here, giving this [TEDx] talk,
it's still part of my journey,
one that started almost three years ago.
But the main reason why I regarded my disclosure not as a closet but as journey
is because looking back, it was so inspirational and insightful for me.
Whenever I encountered a barrier that I found tough to break,
I simply stepped to the side of the road, sat on a bench in the sun
and calmly analyzed the situation,
"What is it that makes this barrier so tough?
Is it me?
Is it the other?
Or is it the barrier?
And what should I do to be able to make it through?"
And in this way, I learned so much about myself,
about my strengths and weaknesses,
but also about those of the other, or society, or our culture.
And here's another thing: you don't have to make journey alone.
Why not take some friends with you, like I'm doing now,
or make some new friends along the way?
Laugh about it with them, cry - not too much -
experiment and try to have some fun.
There were so many time when I sat in a pub laughing hysterically
about jokes that my friends, some of whom are here now,
made about my homosexuality and homosexuality in general.
And I felt like when I told my parents that I was gay,
they joined me on my journey as well,
because in turn, they also told some of their friends about my homosexuality.
They also broke through some of their barriers and some of mine.
And this process was also very insightful and inspiring for them.
I think everyone deserves a journey like this.
And looking back,
even though some of these barriers were nerve-racking to break,
I would do it again.
Everyone deserves a journey like this one.
So,
I encourage all of you, even if you're not gay -
(Chuckling)
to join the journey of your friends and colleagues who are gay
and awe yourself
at what you'll experience and encounter on this identity-forming journey.
And even if you don't know anyone who is gay,
or a colleague of yours who is gay,
I'm certain that everyone has a secret right now that they keep to themselves
and that they would much rather discuss with someone else.
Now, I know that some of you may think, well, this is easy for me to say,
because I live here at the university, in an accepting environment,
here in Netherlands.
And I do realize damn well that opening up in Indonesia at the moment,
or in certain African countries,
or in North Carolina in the States at this moment,
is so much harder.
But I'm not trying to convince you that this journey is just playful and easy.
No, I'm trying to show you
that the way you see a journey up front,
so either as a closet or as an expedition,
will have a tremendous impact
on how you will perceive the process of disclosing itself.
So, what I've done during in the past eight minutes
is I've [taken] this traditionally high barrier of a closet
and divided it into smaller ones,
a journey that is fruitful, that's inspiring, that is fun to do.
And I wish for you
that after this [TEDx] talk you will realize
that disclosing your sexual orientation is not a barrier to look up to,
but a journey to look forward to.
(Applause)