Hello. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to
This is one of those movies that doesn't even need an introduction.
I don't need to say anything about it. All you gotta do is look at the fucking cover.
If you didn't laugh your ass off looking at this, then call the insane asylum they've been looking for you.
This is Zeus and Roxanne.
From the brilliant director of The NeverEnding Story 2,
Here's a story about a dog in a dolphin who befriend one another. How can you even say that with a straight face?
A dog and a dolphin
Was there no room for a pony and a chipmunk to join the fun?!
And to make sure there is absolutely nothing redeemable about this movie,
They added Steve Guttenberg. What a cherry on the top.
So, for all of you who always wanted to see Flipper meets Lassie.
Get some fucking help!
For the rest of us, this is Zeus and Roxanne.
So we open up with the pretty sunrise over the ocean.
Naaaaaah! This movie sucks!
You got totally screwed! Did you even see the posteeeer? And you paid money for thisssssss.
Wow this movie wastes no time sucking, does it?!
It simply jumps right into the heart of what's going to be absolutely horrible about this premise.
So dog likes dolphin how touching, and creepy, but surely there's some human characters to balance out the insipidus of the story?
Hey, I said human! That's Steve Guttenberg!
Dodger, do I smell some dinner?
"Breakfast." "I knew that." "You've been up all night again, huh?"
"Sorry, It's just that.."
"I've been working on this melody, and.."
What did he marry this kid or something? He's cooking for him, he's trying to be responsible for him...
Who knew owning a Steve Guttenberg would be so much work?
"So, uh, what's in this burrito?" "Refried beans, onions, jalapenos, peanut butter, mozzarella cheese, pineapple chunks.."
Zeus! Psst! Good boy, yes. Eat up! Thank you, thank you. Oh good, you finished yours. I'll go get you another one.
[ Wah-wah trombone ]
So this is Terry and his son Jordan.
They have a summer home in Key West and live right next door to a marine biologist
named Mary Beth and her two daughters, Judith and Nora,
The only downside is that their dog Zeus seems to keep getting into trouble over a Mary Beth's house.
"I'm so sorry. I'm Terry Barnett."
"Mary Beth." "Mary Beth.."
Excuse me, my forced, wide-eyed whimsicalness seems to follow me to have a performance
"Me Terry, you?"
"Judith?" "You?" "Nora."
Ohhh....
Oh wait, you forgot to make that charming or clever.
So while Guttenberg agrees to keep a closer eye on Zeus, he writes jingles for his next commercial.
That's right..
He writes jingles for commercials. Who knew that could pay for a summer home in Key West?
Next you'll be telling me the internet reviewers can make a living making fun of movies.
Good Ol' Guttenberg, keeping a close eye on their dog to make sure that no danger may befall him!
Idiot.
Dolphin! Dolphin!
I'm a dog who is horny for a dolphin! Don't ask me why, I just want a dolphin! DOLPHIN!
So we see that Mary Beth is trying to get a grant for her research on a dolphin named Roxanne
The only problem is she has competition with-- "I didn't know I ever had one"
AHHHH! THE MUMMY (actually Arnold Vosloo)!
"Let me know if you change your mind."
I can respect to trying to kill Brendan Fraser, but you leave Mary Beth alone!
So our species confused canine follows Mary Beth through extreme measures to get on board and see Roxanne
By the sequel rights of Darkman...
So our two scientists discovered that Zeus is on board and deduce there's nothing they can do but continue on to Roxanne
[ "Gilligan's Island" theme ]
So they finally come across the chipper Roxanne as Zeus want to get a closer look at her
O-kay, this is getting scary.
Zeus obviously has a sick obsession that is probably not very healthy
Don't believe me? Then check out his porn!
So when it looks like their research is over, they pull up the anchor and take off.
YES! Yes, yes, yes! That was awesome! Let's see that again!
Oh my God, I could watch that a million times...!
[ Maniacal Laughter ]
Thank you for that movie. I really needed that! Ok, continue to suck now.
Did I just see that?!
A dolphin just punched a shark in the fucking mouth?! Are you fucking serious?
Good Lord, who knew that a dolphin punch was so deadly?!
Why can't we get those things the Pearl Harbor? They would have saved the day!
We shall bomb the harbor, and -- OH MY GOD GIANT DOLPHIN!
[ screams of terror ]
Fear the Dolphin Punch! It knocks out sharks.
"Oh my gosh. Come here!"
"Get the camera..."
I have to document how stupid this moment is.
So it turns out not only did the dog and dolphin like each other, but they can also communicate with each other!
So Gary Beth think she's a shoo-in now for the grant,
but first she has to ask Guttenberg's son, Jordan, if it's all right to keep using it.
"Wow. Did you do all these?" "Yeah."
That one's going to be the cover from my dad's opera score.
So let me get this straight.
We have a dog who has a strange obsession with a dolphin,
and a boy who has a strange obsession with a dog?
This is like a psychiatric case from Doctor Doolittle!
"It might be really interesting to get the two together, Zeus and Roxanne,
And just seeing how things sort of go from there."
The son agrees as they all go out to sea to watch the two communicate.
"What's she doing out there with that dog?" "I'll tell you what you she's doing..."
she's trying to steal my grant. Well, that's just not gonna happen."
"No, sir."
I was just establishing that I was the villain of this picture...
D-Did you get that did you get that?
That I was the villain of this picture? Because I am!
Because I don't want to get her grant, no sir.
Villain!
So we think Mary Beth's daughters get in trouble for trespassing but luckily, Rebel without a Career drops by
to talk with the cop. He seems to convince the cops to let the girls go as he
quite illegally drives all of them away on his motorcycle,
This, of course, leads to more quirky awkward talk from our romantic leads.
"She's asking him out."
"Yeah, you could..."
"Right!"
Wha- di- d'hey! What, wh- Uh? Wha- HEY!
Bad montage off the port bow!
So while Jordan takes a picture of...
So while Jordan takes a picture of... My nightmare for the next two weeks,
Mary Beth and Guttenberg seemed to hit it off quite well
By the movie's standards.
for the rest of us. It's like watching a bad episode of Blind Date
"This uh... this Claude guy..."
"Do you see him?"
"Every day. He's a head honcho at the institute. I should be his assistant,
but we had a parting of the ways." "Would it be tactless to ask over what?"
"Third party."
"I apologize. Never mind, I--" "A dolphin."
So after Guttenberg and Mary Beth make it to first base. We see our villain trying to sneak a peek at her research.
What is he doing with his lip?! What, he turned a Beaker from the Muppets for a second?
So he escapes and sees if he can try dolphin communication with other animals.
But sadly, none of them has the sick, disturbing love that Zeus and Roxanne seem to feel for each other
Hey! Speaking of which, we haven't seen much of them have we?
I mean, we're at the hour mark here, And we've only had two scenes with the animals together!
One was only ten minutes, of the other was under five!
They should have just called this movie "Guttenberg and Mary Steenburgen Look-Alike!" That would have been more accurate!
"Uh-oh, drift nets..."
"They kill thousands of dolphins every year. Come on, let's lead Roxanne out of here."
Yeah, we don't want to get caught in those nets now, if a fucking shark comes along!
THAT'S okay, but if she gets caught in one of those nets, *phew*, it's all over!
So, after a few more days, our lovebirds decide Guttenberg should move in with Mary Beth
But this leads to some issues that he starts thinking about his deceased wife.
"What are we doing this for? We do this for us?"
"We doing this for the Rothman Foundation, or are we doing it for the kids?"
"All of the above."
"I don't know..."
I think you missed a line. You're supposed to say I'm having second thoughts,
she's supposed to say why, and then you say-- O-kay, you don't know
So because Huttenberg doesn't know he decides he wants to move away and take Zeus and Jordan with him.
This leads to the most groundbreaking questions that this movie- no, no, no
ANY ovie has ever asked in the history of Man!
"If a dog and a dolphin can get along, why can't our mom and his dad?"
My god.
It was so simple all this time!
The dog and the dolphin! We must look to the dog and dolphin!
Yes, quickly, get me everybody in the world! They all need to hear this!
If a dog and a dolphin can get along with each other, why can't our mom and his dad?!
Yes, I know! Let them know... let them all know!
A dog and a dolphin. A dog and a dolphin!
So after Guttenberg, Jordan, and Zeus finally move away, we see that Zeus spends most of his time watching--
Oh, God, really? Really, movie?!
This is what he spends his free time doing?!
Did he really learn how to change the channels until he found something with dolphins in it?!
Or is he just watching the old ironic channel?!
"C'mon, Zeus."
"Zeus, c'mon."
I don't even get it! Why couldn't they just leave the dog?!
This makes no sense! a gigantic scientific breakthrough totally destroyed because
Guttenberg doesn't know he's looking for BOO-HOO-HOO!
But Zeus is a little more proactive as he decides it's either his beloved dolphin or nothing
Goodbye CRUEL WORLD!
So Zeus literally traveled all the way back to Mary Beth so that he can be with his beloved Roxanne again!
So the kids talk to each other and devise a trick to keep Guttenberg and Mary Beth talking to each other again.
But unfortunately, our villain finds the dog and captures him,
hoping to use him to find and communicate with Roxanne.
"Right... no more Mister Nice Guy."
Not a bad plan to sabotage the competition, but I like his other one better!
Now that would be awesome!
"Now Roxanne is ours." "No, Dr. Carver, yours. We quit."
Are you seriously telling me that kidnapping is dog to entrap a dolphin is your idea of unethical?!
So Guttenberg and Jordan fly back to Key West
as it turns out out his son has some very choice words about the situation
"Zeus is a extremely extreme dog."
"That he is."
"He's also in love."
"An extreme emotion." "Why don't you try it sometime dad?"
Ohh! Gutenberg, nothing! Kid that takes pictures of the dog dressed as a frog, one!
So as the bad guy tries to lure Roxanne in, we find that Roxanne is one step ahead of their game
Dolphin Punch!
Wow, so people and shark pose no threat to this dolphin!
But if she comes across a tuna net, OOHH!
And speaking of idiots who get caught in tuna nets, look! Mary Beth is a idiot getting caught in a tuna net
Yeah, apparently nets are dangerous to dolphins and really stupid marine biologists.
You know what? It's still worth it! I love tuna so much,
it's worth a few dead dolphins and marine biologists to get my tuna.
If they're so smart why didn't they see the net coming to begin with?! Fuck the bastards, I want my tuna!
So, in maybe one of the lamest ways to fix the situation.
Damn! If I had installed that screen door, like I originally wanted, none of this would have happened
So seeing how there's no friggin' scuba gear that she brought with her,
it's up to Roxanne to find her and relay the message that she's in trouble!
Cool. I think she's trying to tell us something!
Lobster people are invading the forest with blenders?
Ninjas from another planet have stolen all the earth's corn!
Mary Beth is trapped right bellow us in a tuna net?
That's it? Mary Beth is trapped right below us in a tuna net? Well, I better save her!
"I think she wants you to follow her"
Uh- yeah, I think she also said bring an oxygen tank, dumbass!
Oh, hold on. I can't stay down here long because I didn't bring an oxygen tank!
"Get me a knife."
Welp, gotta go up again. You know maybe I could save precious time if I just put on one of those oxygen tanks
Or maybe even brought one down for you to breathe through. But hat do I know? I'm Steve Guttenberg!
So he finally get her out of the sub as the police drop by to see...
Whaaaat? Zeus has trapped the bad guys in a net? Well in all my years!
"Atta boy, Zeus!"
D'oh, and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky kids! Oh, and that mangy dog!'
oh, a-and um, dolphin...
this has been a weird week, hasn't it?
So of course, Guttenberg and Mary Beth decide to get back together and finally tie the knot.
"Wait! Sorry, they told me to bring this down here right away."
Ah, the postman. just like the old saying goes: nor rain, nor snow,nor sleet, nor...
your wedding.
"It's the grant!"
Well, isn't this magical!
I suppose only one other thing could possibly top off this day of whimsical to light!
Of course, how else could this movie possibly end?
There are rainbow sprinkles, and syrup, and unicorn farts that aren't as sappy as this fucking movie!
This film is shit, plain and simple!
We don't see much of the dog and dolphin together,
The romance is pretty bland, and none of it seems to have any surprises!
It's just a safe film with an unusually safe premise, if not a totally insane premise!
On top of that, if Zeus and Roxanne did have a relationship together, what what the kids look like?
I dunno.
I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!
Okay, okay, since you've been so patient!