(LOGO)
Hellooo, everybody! There's this weird thing that happens when people find out that
you're a writer. They tend to react by taking their foot, and shoving it right in their mouth.
That's not where it goes, silly. People don't know what to do with writers. We're unusual,
we're not part of the status quo. And that confuses people. And confused people say stupid shit.
So if you know a writer, and you don't want them imagining very specific ways to
kill you in their next novel, I've got a few tips for you.
Here are ten things you should probably never say to a writer.
And if you are a writer, then you've probably heard all these things already.
Isn't it wonderful? Number One (1): “Is your book any good?” No, it's a big pile of shit. Excuse me
while I drown myself in my own tears. What the fuck do you think I'm gonna say? Really? What
reaction are you looking for? This question is stupid on so many levels. One, because writers
tend to doubt themselves and their work, so if you're asking this question, there is a good
chance they're thinking to themselves, ‘No, it's awful. I’m the worst writer in the world. Two,
because if the writer you're speaking to has half a brain, of course, they're going to say it's
good, they want you to buy the book. And three, because it's just an arrogant question. People
never say, “Oh, is your book any good?” They say, (Doubtful voice) “Is your book any good?” Here's a
question for you. What the fuck have you done with your life? I've been exploring my creativity and
expanding my horizons. You've been nursing your porn habit. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Number Two (2): “Can I get a free copy?” No, you cheap son of a bitch. What's especially annoying
about this question is it almost always comes after, is your book any good. “Is your book any
good? Can I get it for free?” Wow, you're just hitting all the piece of shit bases, aren't ya.
I will never understand people who ask authors for free books. You do realize we need money to
survive, right? I mean, sure we enjoy writing, but we sell what we write so we can feed ourselves and
not die. So here's an idea, it's kind of crazy, but if you wanna read a book, maybe pay for it.
Just a thought. Number Three (3): “I've got a great book idea, you write it and we'll split
the profits.” Okay, first of all, your idea sucks. I don't even need to hear it, I just know. Second
of all, I've got my own ideas to write. I don't need your werewolf, bigfoot, torture sex love
triangle hogging up my time. “But Jennaaa, my idea is brilliant. It's gonna make us rich.” Actually,
none of those things are true, and you're an idiot. It's even worse when someone wants you to
write their life story. I don't need to hear about your shitty life. I've lived my own shitty life,
I've got it covered. Number Four (4): “Can I be in your book?” Oh yeah, I've only spent years of my
life orchestrating this masterpiece, let's make it all about you. Now this person comes in a variety
of packages. There's the one who just wants their name in your book, which wouldn't be that
annoying if they didn't always have the worst name ever. “Can you put my name in your book?” Sure,
Dan Danson. Your name is so colorful and fun, can't wait. Then there's the person you absolutely
can't stand, who wants a character based on them? See, that might be a problem because
it turns out I already have an intolerable shrew in this book. But the last person is the worst.
This person not only wants their own character, they've got very detailed specifications about
that character's role in the story. “Okay, so the character needs to be beautiful, of course,
but not unapproachable. Think of a combo between Megan Fox and Kate Hudson, you know,
like me. She should be really strong and heroic, but also kind and compassionate. Really smart, but
quirky and fun. And she definitely likes cats, not dogs. And she has a really big sword, and she can
fly.” I'm sorry, do you wanna write the character? Or how about the entire book? I actually think you
don't need me at all, so I'm just gonna go. Number Five (5): “Oh, I’d totally write a book. You know,
if I had the time.” Right, because that's why I'm writing a book. I just have lots of lots,
and lots of time. Some writers when they hear this get personally offended. They take it as
an insult to all the hard work and sacrifices they made in order to write that book. When I
hear this comment, I'm not offended. I just think the person who said it's delusional. It took you
an entire hour to compose a proper email, and you think you can just write a book when you have the
time. Okay, crazy. Good luck with that. Number Six (6): “So what's your real job?” Oh my gosh,
I had no idea writing was an imaginary job. What else isn’t real? Are you real? Am I real? In all
fairness, a lot of writers work a second job along with their writing, but for some of us, this is
it. This is the job and even when you explain this to people, it usually goes in one ear and out the
other. They'll either say, “But writing isn’t a real job.” Or, “Must be nice not having to
work.” What makes you think writing a book isn't work. Have you ever tried writing a book? No,
you haven't. Why? “Oh, it sounds hard. It's overwhelming. It's time consuming.” It's work!
I work myself to the bone. My hands have turned into mangled claws. Do you see this? Do you see
this? This isn't normal. Number Seven (7): “You're so lucky. I wish I could do nothing all day.”
This comment is similar to the last one, except to take it one step further. Not only do we not work,
we don't do anything. Books just materialize on our computer screen, it's magic. There's this
misconception that writing is ‘doing nothing’ because it requires you to sit on your ass for
long periods of time. Which I mean is a logical conclusion to draw because it's not like any other
job requires you to sit on your ass, like say, an accountant, or an analyst or a stockbroker,
or a million other jobs. And I would know because I worked those jobs. And guess what I did all day,
I sat on my ass. Just because my workstation is my bed, doesn't mean I'm not working. It just means
that my workstation is a lot more comfortable than yours. And I need that comfort, because my job is
slowly driving me insane. Number Eight (8): “So is your book gonna be the next Fifty Shades of Grey?”
Or Twilight, or The Hunger Games, or literally any book that was popular enough to be turned
into a movie within the last decade. This is not really offensive. It's just kind of trite. First,
it just makes it sound like you're one of those people who just watches the movie. “I don't need
to read the book, the movie’s always better, right?” Those people are crazy. Second, you
literally have no idea what my book’s about. Why are you just randomly assuming that I'm writing
about BDSM? Actually, you know what, maybe I don't wanna know. And lastly, a fraction, of a fraction,
of a fraction, of writers ever see their books become movies. The average professional writer
is not aspiring toward that. We are in this for the passion of telling stories, not for the fame.
And if you are in it for the fame, you've made a horrible mistake Number Nine (9): “You should take
a break.” Writer's block, take a break. Trouble outlining, take a break. Not feeling inspired,
take a break. Okay, now taking all these breaks into account I'll probably get this
book written in about fifty years. Professional writers know that in order to finish a book,
and do well in the industry, you gotta bust your ass. You can't take a break everytime
you feel uninspired. You know what would happen if you were working a regular job,
and you took a break whenever you didn't feel like working? You'd get fired. So when you tell me,
‘take a break’ I hear, ‘I want you to fail.’ Not cool, random idiot. Not cool. And number Ten (10):
“Are you done yet?” If you wanna send a writer spiraling into a rage, this is the question to
ask. “Are you done with the outline? Are you done with the chapter? Are you done with the book?” No,
I am not done. Stop asking. Here's the deal. Us writers are concentrating really hard,
and having you hover over our shoulders going, “Are you done yet? Are you done yet? Are you
done yet? Are you done yet?” Not helping. It takes time to write a masterpiece. I'll tell
you when it's done, I promise. So no more of this shit. “Are you done yet? Are you done yet? Are you
done yet? Are you done yet?” So there you have it. Ten things you shouldn't say to a writer,
unless you want them to hate you. But then again, we're largely anti-social,
so there's a good chance that we already hate you. And if you're a writer and someone says one of
these things to you, don't worry, you'll develop a tolerance eventually. So I'm told. With that said,
don't forget to subscribe to my channel. I post new videos on Wednesdays. Eve: The Awakening is
still available in ebook and paperback on Amazon right now, so check it out. Signed copies are
available too, link is in the description below. And if you have any questions or if there's
something you'd like me to talk about in my next video, be sure to tweet me @JennaMoreci! Bye!