Hey guys, it's Geoffrey here.
In this video I'm going to talk to you about how you can artfully give your
partner space, your wife,
your girlfriend space when she has told you that she needed some space from you
or from the relationship and in case we haven't met.
My name is Geoffrey and my purpose here is to equip men,
especially men in longterm relationships or marriages with the right skills and
knowledge to be able to lead their relationship and steer it to a place where it
can thrive for many years to come. And before I begin this video,
I want to let you know about this free masterclass I'll be hosting.
So make sure to stick around until the end of this video for the announcement on
how you can get in on that masterclass.
And don't forget to subscribe and click the bell button as well to make sure
that you're getting notified whenever I post new videos three times every single
week. Now,
the tips I'm going to share with you today are the exact same tips that I share
with all my students and has really helped them to figure out the balance
between being too pushy and pushing her away even more and playing that cold
fish too much where you seem like very aloof and very distant and pushing her
away as well.
What we're trying to find here is this fine balance between the two and it's
helped many of my students and I'm confident it will help you as well.
So to set you up to understand what I'm going to say,
I want to give you an analogy here that I give all my students and that's the
house analogy to imagine this.
Imagine you have a house and right now you are in the house and your partner is
not wanting to be in the house. She is wanting space from the house.
So there are two approaches here of how you can get her back in the house.
The first approach is you could open a door, you can reach out to her,
grab her arm and pull her into the house.
Basically forcing her into the house and this method works.
She is going to get in the house, but guess what? Every single chance she gets,
he's going to want to get out because why?
It's not her choice to get into that house.
The second approach is that you simply open a door,
you make your house as inviting as possible,
and you wait for her to come in the house and make that decision herself.
Now the second approach takes a lot longer,
but it's permanent because she chose to be there herself.
So the reason why we want to give her space,
it's not because of some power struggle like a lot of coaches say,
it's not to make you seem like the alpha male. It goes beyond that.
It's basic psychology. People make decisions via emotions, not logic.
And so whenever you're trying to use logic to say all these things to convince
her to stay, to work on the relationship and all these things,
that's you appealing to her logic,
but appealing to our logic does not appeal to the part of her that makes
decisions, which is the emotional part, right?
It needs to be her decision at the end of the day to want to come back to you.
And the second reason why that you must give her space is because then she will
smell that your actions are not going to be genuine. Why?
Backseat as Haas analogy here,
for you to be able to decorate this house and make this house more inviting,
that takes time.
And if you're constantly pushing her to get back in the house when you have done
nothing to the house to change yourself,
then it seems ingenuine everything you're doing will just seem like you're just
trying to manipulate or trick or just something that you're doing temporarily to
just try to get her back into the house. But once she's in the house,
she realizes, Oh, things are the same. Things hasn't changed.
She's going to want to get out again.
So when we're trying to give someone space,
what we're trying to do is take the second approach where we're simply opening a
door and decorating this house,
letting her see the new decorated house and decide for ourself to come in.
So how do we actually do this? How do we actually do this properly?
So it begins in the first step,
which is how do you even open a door in the first place?
Here's something you can say to your partner,
acknowledged that you aren't letting her have her space. So you can say, look,
take all the space you want and take all the time you need.
And I want you to let you know that the door is always open.
So just with that simple phrase,
you're already opening the door for her and you don't have to say anything more,
nothing complicated.
You don't need to go into anything logical to convince her of why she should not
leave. And so on. Just say that simple phrase, short and sweet,
and leave it at that. And if you have the same fears that a lot of men faced,
which is that what if I give her space and she doesn't come back?
If you have that fear, then here's a few things that you can say.
So once you finish that other sentence, you can say, look,
I know you're observant. I know.
You know what you want and I'm going to try my best to work on myself to become
the better person for you.
And I trust that you will see the changes when it comes.
And so what we're doing here is we're hedging against our doubts a bit,
our fears of it,
but we're hedging against it in a more productive way where we're praising that
we're saying to her that we trust her,
that she will eventually see the changes when it comes.
So that's a more productive way of communicating your fears without seeming too
needy or pushy or too manipulative in this phase.
And I know doing this can be scary, just leaving someone's face can be scary.
But trust me, if you go back to the house analogy,
you realize that this is the best chance you have because the more you try to
pull someone into your house,
the more they actually don't want to be in the house. It's counterproductive.
But that's just human psychology.
So understand that giving her space is really the best chance that you have.
And you know, leave a comment below. I would like to hear it.
When you think about giving your partner space,
what is it that makes you so fearful? What are you scared of?
Leave a comment below.
I love to hear your thoughts and most of the time if you've been in a longterm
relationship and you've been together for awhile,
when you simply open a door in that way that we just mentioned earlier,
she will eventually reach out. That might take days, it might take up to a week,
but she will eventually reach out and when she does reach out,
you want to avoid the number two mistake that people make,
which is that when she reaches out, you get overexcited, you start calling her,
you start texting her again. Don't do that. Instead, whenever she reaches out,
take it as a sign that she's ready to see you again. She's ready.
She's been thinking about you and ready to see you again and you should take
that opportunity to simply set a simple date so you can go back and forth,
small, talk a little bit here and there and something you can say is, Hey,
when are you free? This week or next week to get together and then you can say,
why don't you come over at that time? Oh, we have dinner at that time.
We'll do this or X, set that date and close your phone.
Try to avoid texting or calling too often at this point because again,
she needs a space.
You're still at the point where she is looking for that space.
So simply set the date whenever she reaches out to you and give her the space
back again and reserve any contact until you actually meet each other in the
specified time that you set.
And so now the third stage is when you both actually meet up and you have that
date, whatever it is.
A lot of coaches will tell you that just focus on making it fun.
Just focus on doing X, Y, Z.
Doing something new and pretend like the problem doesn't even exist while making
them date data. Fun is a good thing. That should be a main focus.
The other main focus should also be to start having deeper conversations on
opening her up on what she has been missing in their relationship or what she's
been unhappy about, what she's been penting up in this whole time.
Because again,
if you watch my other video on the reasons why she wants a break or the reasons
why she wants space,
you will understand that the core reasons why she went spaces is that she's
missing something from the relationship and she hasn't been able to express it
to you in a proper way, in a comprehensive way.
And so because she can't express it to you,
she has learned over time that the best thing to do is to simply get space for
herself, healed by herself because you're not helping her heal.
And so now when you meet and you are this person who can ask questions,
who can listen and help her heal,
that's going to be a game changing because not only is it going to be very
cathartic for her to be able to express all these feelings to you,
all these pains, all these repressed stuff with you,
but also it will give you a very,
very good idea of what you need to work on of what has been going wrong in the
relationship besides the obvious.
And often these are things that you have never thought of or even knew were
problems in the first place. And that's a crucial part for two reasons.
Number one, again,
when you allow her to express herself during this meeting and not just on having
fun and pretending like the problem doesn't even exist,
what you're allowing to happen is the catharsis. You know,
through mere expression of her emotions.
You are allowing her emotions to heal a bit and you're allowing her to
understand that you are understanding the problem.
And when she knows that you understand the problem, whatever gestures you make,
whether that's an apology or the solutions you offer,
she's going to take that more seriously because she knows that you understand
the problem and that whatever solutions you have will actually have some weight
to it rather than you giving solution for saying sorry because you want to
remedy the situation quickly without actually wanting to investigate the core
reasons for why she's feeling the way she's feeling.
And the other reason why it's so crucial this conversation that you have is that
it gives you a better idea on what you need to work on yourself.
Because if you have watched other videos from other coaches addressing this
topic, one of the things they say is this is a time to work on yourself.
Well, what does that actually mean to work on yourself? Well,
the best way to identify how to work on yourself is to actually find out the
problems from the primary source,
your partner through this deep conversation where we're investigating deeper and
deeper into what is the root cause of her issues.
We're giving ourselves more and more ideas on what to work on for ourselves so
that when the time comes for you to, you know,
go your separate ways again and give her space again,
you won't be confused anymore on what you need to work on because she would have
told you exactly what the problem was and you will know exactly what you need to
do to remedy that problem in the longterm.
And the last reason why this is important is that when you two are in a state
where you're taking some space and you're meeting again,
if you simply focus on having fun and not having this conversation that needs to
happen in the first place, it can seem like you're just skirting the problem.
Like you don't even think the problem exists.
And that can backfire hard because again,
the main reason why she wants space is that she has these problems but she can't
express it. And if you pretend like nothing is going wrong,
that's not going to make her feel very good.
So I've laid out the steps here for you of how you can open a door.
What happens when she reaches back out to you and when you do meet each other,
how should you conduct that meeting? What is productive, what is not,
what is the right thing to do,
what is not and what are you trying to take away out of it?
Now the trickiest part to all this would be how you conduct that conversation.
Because right now you want me to thinking that any conversations you might have
might be a bit tense, might be a bit difficult.
And so if you're interested in a free resource that can allow you or give you
the skills to be able to lead this conversation in a proper way,
to allow you to dig deeper and find the root cause of what's bothering her
without riling anybody up or without leading into an argument,
then you want to download the free guide on healing and opening your punter's
emotions down below this video.
So you can find the link in the description box below this video.
And if you want an on the free master class where we talk about the five proven
steps to rebuilding the relationship from the ground up,
the same five step system that I teach all my students who have gone from the
brink of divorce to a place where the relationship actually really thrives right
now.
Then you also want to click the link in the description box below this video as
well.
And of course if you want to connect with me on a more personal level for any
reason, I have a free Facebook group where you can ask your questions,
post your questions,
and actually get good advice on whatever it is you're struggling with.
So you found this video helpful.
Go ahead and like and subscribe to this video for more content like this one and
leave a comment below.
Which of these insights did you find most eyeopening or insightful?
I'd love to know,
leave a comment below and be sure to take the time to watch these two videos on
the real reasons why she wants space and this short video on how to lead a
conversation in a way that never leads to arguments in a way that actually opens
up your partner over time. But for now, I'll see you in the next video.
[inaudible].