The Trump administration--
other than rampant chaos and cheeseburgers for breakfast,
it's also known for its high turnover rate.
Right? Trump officials leave so regularly,
they don't even get business cards anymore.
They just write their names on a little piece of whiteboard.
Just like, "Yeah, just wipe off the Scaramucci and you're good.
Come on."
But even though people leave all the time,
yesterday's news caught everybody off guard.
TV REPORTER: The surprise shake-up inside
the Trump administration.
U.S. ambassador to the UN, Nikki Haley, resigning.
TV REPORTER: A source close to Haley insisted
she's leaving on good terms.
For all of you that are gonna ask about 2020,
no, I am not running for 2020.
I can promise you what I'll be doing
is campaigning for this one.
I think she's helped make it a much better position,
if you want to know the truth.
I think it's become maybe a more glamorous position
than it was two years ago.
Maybe I wonder why, but it is.
(mimics Trump): "I wonder why, but it is.
"This compliment brought to you by #MeToo.
#MeToo, when you just don't know when to stop."
(normal voice): But Trump's weird comment aside,
uh, look at the fun these two are having, right?
Like, this is different.
You never see someone leave the Trump White House like this:
On good terms with Trump, scandal-free, smiling.
Like, usually, it's John Kelly who has them in a headlock
like Khabib, just trying to get them out of the White House.
It's like, "Shh. Don't fight it. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.
You'll wake up in two days with a job on Fox News. Come on."
In fact, Haley's exit was so normal
that it's actually become suspicious.
People are now speculating that Haley left
because she wants to run for president,
uh, that she's in debt and needs
some of that sweet private sector money,
or that she wants to get out before
a serious scandal comes to light.
My theory?
My theory is she left because she had tickets
to A Star is Born at the same time
as a Security Council meeting,
and you're not not gonna see A Star is Born,
so she just quit.
That's what I think happened.
But none of that matters.
What does matter is that our president,
hashtag #NotMyPresident,
is sad because his ambassador is leaving.
And, of course, he's sad,
because look at how she represented America at the UN.
For too long the Human Rights Council has been a protector
of human rights abusers, and a cesspool of political bias.
What we witnessed here today in the Security Council
is an insult.
It won't be forgotten.
The United States will remember this day
in which it was singled out
for attack in the General Assembly.
And we will remember it when so many countries
come calling on us as they so often do.
For those that don't have our back, we're taking names.
Goddamn, Nikki Haley does not (bleep) around.
Like, I can't tell if that's C-SPAN
or Kill Bill: Vol 3.
It's just like, "I'm holding grudges and taking names."
(whoops)
Although, I will say, I don't know if the United Nations
is the best place to say you're taking names
'cause everyone is from a random part of the world.
She's like, "All right, I'm taking names.
You, what's your name?"
"Haddish Harrab."
"All right, you know what? Actually, I'm giving names.
"All right, you're John.
I'm not gonna forget what you did, John."
And that...
(laughter and applause)
And that kind of attitude, that kind of attitude
is exactly what Trump wanted for America at the UN, right?
America first, everybody else last.
And somebody who's not afraid
to tell other countries where they stand.
Although, I don't know if he really completely understood
what Haley meant by "taking names."
And that was really the thing I think she did best
at the United Nations, she got to know the players.
She got to know China, Russia, India.
She knows everybody
on a very first-name basis, and they like her.
Wow, a first-name basis.
Everyone, like China.
It's almost like Trump is impressed
that Haley knew the people she worked with.
Right? "She knows everybody she works with.
So impressive."
It makes me think that Trump doesn't know the names
of the people he works with.
Like, if he wants to talk to Jared, he just yells,
"Bring in that weird guy with the face.
No, not him, the other guy."
So, anyway, a very fond farewell
to Nikki, um, whatever her name is.
I wasn't taking names.
The important thing is now we want to know
who is going to replace her.
And out of all the people who have been floated,
there is one in particular that caught Trump's eye.
I've heard a lot of names.
I've heard Ivanka.
I've heard, "How good would Ivanka be?"
The people that know
know that Ivanka would be dynamite.
I think Ivanka would be incredible.
That doesn't mean I'd... you know, I'd pick her
because you'd be accused of nepotism.
Even though I'm not sure
there's anybody more competent in the world.
But that's okay.
(laughter and groaning)
You know, what I enjoy sometimes is watching Trump
have an entire debate against himself.
(laughter)
-Like... -(cheering and applause)
He does...
Because he does as president what we all used to do as kids.
Remember when you'd play with little action figures
and you'd play both roles?
And be like, "I like Ivanka."
"No, that's nepotism."
"Screw you. She's best for the job."
"I know, but it's not right."
"Okay, you're right. Let's kiss."
(making kissing sounds)
"Ah, I'm pregnant, ah."
Anyway, to her credit, First Lady Ivanka
quickly took herself out of the running for the job,
which means Trump needs somebody else
to represent him at the U.N.
And until they find someone,
my suggestion is they just get a giant, gold hand
with its middle finger raised in the air.
Think about it. It's tough, it's glamorous,
and it truly represents how Trump feels
about the rest of the world.