(upbeat rock music)
- Yeah, but I didn't know that being pregnant
could be really hard.
Like, I didn't know that
because you bitches all lie about it.
Women don't tell you how hard it is.
I should have Googled it,
I should've Googled being pregnant
'cause it's been really awful
'cause in movies they don't show you.
There's just a montage where the girl's in her office
and she's typing and then she's like.
And she runs the bathroom, she throws up once
and then in the next scene,
she's in overalls painting a barn like, yay.
I can't wait to meet you, you know?
I throw up an exorcist amount everyday.
And I feel like, you know, if you had a good pregnancy,
if you're someone who enjoyed being pregnant,
I just hope your car flips over.
That's what I wish for you.
Just like your car kind of Chappaquiddicks into a lake
and you just kinda slowly drown.
Is that fair to say?
Because here's the thing, you're pregnant,
but you don't change who you are.
I hate women who start to act like really just precious
and like, yes, like we're now, I'm a saint
and I never, I never had sex in a bathroom on a train. You know
We've all had sex in the bathroom on a train.
You don't stop being you, you know?
You don't stop working or drinking, like you...
You know?
- And yes, before you ask, I do have three kids.
I'm a single father of three, that's real shit.
Clap some days because I'm just like any other parent,
some days I wake up and say fuck them kids
'cause they worked my god damn nerves.
So what you gotta know
is being a dad to kids and being transgender
is real different from what y'all see.
'Cause I got a 12 year old daughter,
she the meanest bitch in the planet.
I say that with love, I would never say it to her face
but she ain't here, fuck her.
So she hasn't started developing her breasts yet
so she's still having bullying issues at school.
So she came home and told me what happened,
I was like, well hold on, 'cause if the dad in me
know what to do but the fag in me
was like, let me tell you what to tell them little helpers.
You go back to school and let them know
that no you do not have any breasts right now
but when you do get some breasts,
not only did your mama have a fantastic B cup,
but your daddy rocking a double D.
So tell those bitches when you get some titties
they in trouble.
Got milk?
My 16 year old daughter
is having bullying issues at school
from some little boy liking her or something
so he's been terrorizing my daughter.
So I went to school, I followed protocol, that didn't work.
I said I'm gonna meet this fool on the play ground.
I got up one morning, now what you got to understand
about my mornings, is I didn't wake up like this.
I went up there one morning with a beard,
the titties pushed, bad breath and everything,
hair stuck on myself.
I seen him on the play ground
and I said, look here little homie,
you gonna leave Izzy alone or I'm gonna fuck you up.
When I tell y'all he was so confused,
he didn't know whether to scratch his watch
or wind his ass.
I'm sure he went home and told his mom and dad
that he was attacked by her mom and dad.
But that ain't even the kicker
'cause I have a son, straight, boy boy.
Twisted sister right here and I found out on purpose
through by accident that he has discovered
the joys of manhood, fellas.
Ladies, I ain't talking to y'all right now,
I'm talking to the fellas.
So I go in his room to change his linen,
I pull the blanket back,
when I tell you there's all kinds of DNA
just running across, just twins, triplets and shit,
I'm like, what the hell?
I step out the bed and step on the carpet,
it's just crunchy.
I'm like, oh, hell no.
Then I go in the closet to get his gym clothes,
the sweat socks, stiff as an ironing board, y'all.
They smoking cigarettes and shit,
giving each other high five.
I'm like, oh, player, I gotta talk to you.
So when he came home from school, I said,
let me talk to you, player.
Let me talk to you.
It's a natural thing, all men do it,
gay, black, straight, white, Mexican,
all men do it, married, whatever, men just do it.
So I'm leaving the room, he's like, okay, cool.
So he said, well dad, can I ask you a question?
I said, what's up, little player?
He said, do you do it?
I said, no, dude, I got somebody
hand do that for me, I'm cool.
'Cause I tell you, it had that serious in my house.
He kept coming to the dinner table
with his hands looking like Rihanna,
shining bright like a diamond.
Oh, shit, I'm like, whoa dude, wash your hands,
use the Dollar Store soap twice, shit.
- The crazy thing about our parents,
when you see people is that all the parents are nice
and it's almost like having two moms.
You can do whatever you want, be careful.
Fucking our parents, they could be mean and nice
at the same time.
You wanna do me a favor?
Get the fuck outta here.
Thank you.
That's why I say teach your kids good from bad.
Teach 'em right from wrong
and most importantly, teach those fucking pendejos
the difference between fireworks
and gunfire.
We know.
We already know.
We know what a fucking sparkler fucking sounds like
and when we're fucking (beeping)
you're fucking already gone.
It's different, listen, one thing we don't do
is we don't disrespect our parents.
It's never been done.
Or step-parents, let me cover all the bases.
You know, we don't talk back.
So I was in the airport and this little kid
said to his mom, I hate you.
And everybody in the airport was like oh.
And then we looked and the lady was crying,
we're like, what the fuck, hey?
Fuck his ass up.
That's the only way he's gonna learn, fuck him up.
And everybody in the airport was fucking going,
fuck him up, fuck him up, fuck him up.
And then the fucking Latinos came out,
a la bimba, a la boom, a la bim bom bang.
Chicasos, chicasos, rar, rar, rar.
- As long as you continue to follow that dream
your dad's got your back, I got you, bro, 100 percent.
Oh my god, thanks, dad.
I go, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
He goes, I wanna be an architect.
And I go, Joe,
I seen you draw.
You got another dream?
What the fuck are you talking about?
You ever think about nursing?
Get the fuck outta here.
I love my kid but I understand
where my mom's coming from 'cause he's at that age.
Right when he turned 12,
that's when he just stopped taking care of himself.
And that's when I stopped taking care of him
'cause that's what you're supposed to do
when you're a parent.
12, you should know how to brush your teeth now.
You know what to do, Joe.
But now that I ignore the fact
that he doesn't brush his teeth,
I have to fucking deal with the breath.
The breath, it comes in hot.
Hot and he's breathy when he talks.
Dad.
I'm like, Joe, what did I tell you to do
when you talk to me?
What did I tell you to do?
Face the wall.
Face the wall and write it down.
Let me read what the fuck you're trying to say to me.
Armpits, god damn it.
Armpits smell like chopped onions.
And I always get mad, I'm like Joe,
why do I smell it first?
I'm over here, you're right fucking here.
I grab the deodorant every time,
Joe, this is all you gotta do,
you just rub it under this armpit like that,
that's all you gotta do.
Now listen to me, here's the important part,
when you go to the other armpit,
I want you to go across your mouth.
- The Vicks, we put Vicks on everything, yes.
Love the Vicks.
I remember the first time I introduced Vicks
to my little French family.
You would have thought I poured acid on them.
My daughter had a bad chest cold, right?
So I heard the rattling, she was sleeping
but I could hear the rattle
so I was like, Wanda, get your Vicks.
So I got my Vicks and I go in her bedroom,
you know, open up my Vicks,
start putting a little bit on her, on her chest.
She wakes up, mommy, boo, you're burning me.
I'm like, no, no, baby,
it's just Vicks, it's Vicks, it'll open up the thing.
Mama, mama, Vick Vick Vick mama.
Mammy boo is burning me.
I'm like, Olivia, I'm not burning you, sweetheart.
It's just Vicks, it's Vicks Vapor Rub.
It'll open this up.
My wife comes in the room,
baby, what is the problem?
Oh, my eyes.
Oh!
Baby, oh!
Olivia, fermez les yeux, Olivia.
Oh, close your eyes, Olivia, please.
Oh, baby, why are you burning us?
What are you doing?
I'm like, it's just Vicks.
Y'all can't handle Vicks?
Vicks!
I was so pissed.
I was like, y'all have cheese that's stronger than Vicks.
One of my first trips to Paris, right,
I'm at her mother's house,
we're having dinner, they pass around a cheese plate.
Wanda, tu veux le fromage?
Non, merci.
Because I wanna know who just shit themselves at this table.
So we're just gonna sit here like this not happened, huh?
Say qui fait caca dans leur pantalons?
That's what I wanna know.
Don't make me get up and just go around checking everybody,
is that what we're doing?
Different.
But you know, all I'm doing,
I'm just trying to raise my kids like how I was raised.
That's what I'm doing, just raising my kids
like how I was raised, you know?
Yeah.
Didn't turn out so bad, right?
And oh boy, I lotion 'em up good, you should see 'em, oh.
They be glistening, man.
They hate it.
My wife is like, why, why all the lotion, the cream?
Pourquoi le creme?
I say, 'cause I don't want some little ashy ass kids.
Get their legs, everything, I lotion 'em up.
They leave the house shiny boy.
I bet you even little black kids at school
looking at them like oh here come them greasy twins.
Here come the greasy twins.
- Shit, my mom cured everything with Vicks Vapor Rub.
Vicks Vapor Rub!
I should a died nine times when I was a kid.
That's abuse.
This one time I thought I had pneumonia,
I go, mom, I think I have pneumonia.
She goes, I'll put extra Vicks on your body, Joseph.
Just rub it everywhere, Joseph.
Rub it on the bottom of the foot
and then put a sock on the foot
and then the pneumonia will come out of the foot, Joseph.
I'm just smothered in fucking Vicks.
I should've called the cops.
One time I was so sick, I swear to god, true story,
I go, mom, I don't feel good, I can't sleep.
I can't sleep, mom.
My mom took a finger and stuck it in Vicks
and rubbed it on top of my eyelids.
On top of my eyelids.
That shit burned so bad, I go, mom, it burns.
I can't open my eyes.
My mom goes, well then you can sleep.
Good night, Joseph.
- I got four daughters, I don't know what the fuck
I did wrong or right.
Four daughters, can you imagine?
Ooh, lord.
'Cause I've been running around lying to women
and cheating on 'em and shit my whole life.
God said, I got something for you, nigger, yeah.
You know god from DC, he said,
I got something for you, slim.
Got something for you, slim.
Four daughters.
No more skeeting on bitches backs for me
and none of that.
Skeet on another bitch's back.
I asked the doctor, what did I do wrong?
He said, you gotta stop fucking women
with dress socks on, Mike.
I'm walking around butt naked
with some dress socks on in the house.
Yeah, it's cool to have daughters, you know,
'cause you get to see your mother in 'em and shit.
You see your mom, you're like, damn girl,
you remind me of my momma, you know what I mean?
Get to see beautiful things
when you got daughters, you know?
But what fuck you up and make you mad
is man, when they start dating.
They start bringing little boys in the house.
'Cause you don't know what the effect
of having a daughter is
'til she bring a nigger in the house.
My daughter's been bringing all little boys in the house
that look like me, I wanna kill
every last one of 'em.
I said, if you anything like I was,
I'm gonna fuck you up.
This one, I really wanna fuck him up.
He be walking around, looking at me, ha ha ha ha.
You little fucking tight pants ass little nut hugger.
I be looking at him going like this.
Gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang, nigger.
One night I needed some weed,
I couldn't find none, I called everybody.
I said I'm gonna try something.
He was sitting in there, I said, hey man, you smoke weed?
He said, no, I don't smoke no weed.
I said, I knew he was lying, I said okay.
And before I could get out the door, he said,
I know who got it.
I said, oh yeah?
Yeah, I know who got it, I know who got it.
I said, is it good?
He said, it's loud.
I said, go get it.
Man, I'm sitting there watching this little motherfucker.
He walk out the back door and walk right back in the house,
I said, I'm gonna fuck, I'm gonna slap the shit outta him
as soon as I see him.
I said hello, who the fuck you think I am?
He was like, what, OG?
I got that.
I said, man, you had it on you.
I said, get your ass in here.
'Cause I still wanted it, I wasn't gonna kick his ass
out that house as long as I been looking for this,
I said, get your ass in here, man.
Man, weed was so good, I been asking my daughter,
where your little friend at?
I kinda like him.
I liked him too much, I got a granddaughter now.
That weed got ahold of her.