- Hello and welcome to this informal fireside chat
with Mother Whitehall.
We are going to be oversharing at Netflix's request.
Are you ready?
- As I'll ever be.
(refined classical music)
- Where and when was your first kiss, and who was it with?
- It was probably at nursery school, with a boy called...
I mean, this is, I think, a real person.
Timothy Lyle,
who was to do with the Tate & Lyle sugar family.
My memory of it was that it was quite traumatic,
because we had a kiss
and then I seem to remember he hit me over the head
with a plastic guitar.
- Timothy Lyle?
- If I'm honest,
I remember the plastic guitar whack more than the kiss,
but yeah.
I think it was, yeah.
What's the weirdest thing you've done when you were alone?
(mariachi music)
Apart from the obvious thing.
- Yeah, okay. We'll not go there.
- I definitely don't want to go there.
I mean, I've done quite a weird thing
when I was alone at home once.
- So you're going to take this one as if I'm not here?
Well, I'll just take this one
because you haven't come up with an instant answer.
- Okay. Was it with Timothy Lyle and that plastic guitar?
- Okay, Timothy Lyle was not involved.
No, this was...
I do remember once being alone and that
we'd had Sunday lunch,
you'd all gone off for a walk with daddy,
and I was clearing up.
And I'd stripped the carcass of the chicken,
and I'd put all the nice little titbits in the dog's bowl,
which I've got to confess that I probably didn't wash.
And about 10 minutes later,
I was walking past said bowl and I thought,
"I quite like the look of that bit of chicken.
I think I'll have that."
So I picked it out of the dog's bowl,
the dirty dog's bowl that was on the floor
waiting for the dog to come back for the titbits,
and ate the chicken.
- That was pretty grim.
(Hilary laughs)
- Have you ever had a bad trip, and with what?
Now, I'm not sure whether that means a trip to a place
or a trippy trip.
- A trippy trip? - A trippy trip.
I don't... Define "trip."
- Well, let's define it as a bad trip as in a journey, yes?
- Okay, okay.
- Many times, because I get car sick.
I'm sure that's what the question- the intent of it was.
And they're clearly of a theme.
Have you ever tried any psychedelics?
If so, what was it like?
- Okay, well, I have never tried any psychedelics,
but I did have a very weird experience with some weedy puff.
Now, what do you call it?
- Definitely not that.
- You definitely did once call it that!
- Marijuana.
- The marij-juana.
This was a story which...
Daddy and I went to stay with some people in the country,
and after supper, these people...
Who we didn't actually know that well.
They were friends of friends,
so we were sort of bumming a night off them
because they were friends of friends.
And they got out some coke after dinner and said,
"We know about you London media types."
And we both went, "Ooh, no. No, really.
No, definitely not.
No. Thank you so much, but really not."
At which point they proceeded to do what you do with coke.
Daddy then went to bed,
he was so horrified by the whole thing.
I stayed up because I'm polite,
and, you know, I never like to offend.
And then they got out a spliff and said,
"Look, you've got a terrible cold."
And I literally was streaming cold.
And they said, "The spliff will really help you sleep."
And I said, "Okay."
So I then took a couple of tokes on the spliff
and then I was trying to get the thing to burn quicker
and blowing on it when they weren't looking and all of that.
And I thought, "I'm doing pretty well here.
This is all going fine."
But off I went to bed,
went up to the bedroom where daddy was actually not asleep,
and he said, "What the hell was that all about?"
I went, "Shh, shh, shh!"
He said, "What's the matter?"
I said, (whispers) "The-the room is bugged.
The room is bugged. They're listening to us.
You have to be quiet. Shh!"
And I then spent the rest of the night
looking for these imaginary bugs 'round the room,
so clearly, whatever was- - You thought the room was-
- I literally had got so paranoid.
That was a one-off for me.
I thought, "I'm never doing this again."
I mean, I can't believe that they're even asking me
to ask you that.
- Absolutely no way you're asking me that question.
- No.
Nor would I want to know the answer to that question,
if I'm honest. - Within one week?
- Within one week.
- How many people can someone sleep with
before you secretly judge them for their "number"?
- I mean, it depends what decade you were born, I guess.
- Well, your decade.
- What, my decade? This is a question to me?
- [Jack] Yes.
- I mean, sorry.
I grew up in the liberal '70s,
where if you didn't sleep with a couple of people a week,
you were considered to be weird.
So not a great question for me.
Nowadays, I think we live in different sort of times.
Not acceptable.
- Not acceptable? - No.
- But back in the day?
- Back in the day it was acceptable.
- With Timothy Lyle?
- No, I was three at the time with Timothy Lyle.
Kevin Lygo.
- Okay, don't-
- No, I'm not sure that we ever did actually, but...
(Hilary snorts)
- Have you ever kissed a girl, and did you like it?
Don't answer that.
- I mean, definitely not. I mean, well, having said that-
- Not even that night
when you had a bit too much of the (inhales)?
Having said that, you know what they say?
You should embrace everything in life, so...
You never know.
I mean, I was a little bit vociferous on that,
because I'm open to any experience, if I'm honest, but...
Just haven't told your father that.
I don't even understand this question.
Have you ever been catfished?
(Jack laughs)
What does that mean?
- It's when you go on a date with someone
and you think they're going to look like one thing
and then they turn out something very different.
- Right, okay. So have you ever been catfished?
- Not to that extent, but I've certainly been misled.
- Okay.
(relaxed electronic music)
- Have you ever publicly peed yourself and why?
- I mean, I'm the mother of three children.
I've given birth to three children.
On a regular basis.
You know, once you have children,
those pelvic floors are quite unreliable.
Obviously I've worked hard to improve them, but...
So I don't think that's a silly question, because yes.
- Not ashamed at all to share that.
- [Hilary] I have, many times.
- Probably going now.
(mischievous music)
- Do you pee in the shower?
- Yeah. Do I not pee in the shower?
I don't think I've ever had a shower and not peed.
I pee in the shower all the time.
I pee in the shower even if I'm not having a shower.
I just open the door. (they laugh)
You don't have to be having a shower to pee in the shower.
Have you re-gifted a gift to someone?
- I mean, again, this is a ridiculous-
- [Jack] And who was it?
- Yeah, this is a ridiculous question.
As you know, after every Christmas
I replenish what's known as the present drawer.
- I've re-gifted a gift to the person that gave me the gift.
- Oh, that's not good. No, no.
I do make lists.
- I gave this- like, a sponge back.
What was your impression of Michael Whitehall
when you were dating?
Well, you thought he was gay, didn't you?
- I did, because he was wearing a white suit.
I mean, it was early '80s. - And he was in theater.
- We're talking a bit of a throwback from-
Yeah. He drove a Jaguar XJS.
- And he was sleeping with quite a lot of men at the time,
so...
- Yeah, that was a bit of a giveaway.
- Everything pointed to that. - Yeah, exactly.
- Yeah.
No, it was the white suit that did it.
I thought, "Who would go out in public in that suit?"
- This is such a dark question!
At any point, did you regret having children?
- Is this to me? - Yes!
- I mean, that is a ludicrous question.
I mean, there were a couple of nights
when you were all newborn when I thought,
"Oh my God, is this child ever going to sleep?
What have I done?"
Because let's face it,
babies do not come with instruction manuals.
- I would actually say, when I watched you on stage
getting gyrated on by Magic Mike,
I regretted that you've had children.
(Hilary laughs sarcastically)
- If the zombie apocalypse happened
and you have to choose between me and your father-
- You.
Sorry. I should've taken a bit longer to-
- Okay. And I didn't even finish the question, so okay.
Thank you, that's a great answer. Yep.
- Although, that said, if I picked daddy,
he could blend in with the zombies.
You know, when you're trying to survive a zombie attack,
you have to pretend to be a zombie.
Daddy wouldn't have to do anything.
They'd think he was one of their own.
What's the first thing you'd do
if you woke up one day and you were the opposite sex?
- That's a tricky one.
Well, I'd be thrilled about having a beard,
whereas at the moment, as a 60-year-old woman,
I'm not thrilled about having a beard.
- Give it 10 years.
- Can I just say, that is God's revenge on women.
He gives them facial hair once they hit the menopause.
I mean, I would let the beard grow, and think...
I'd embrace the beard.
This question. Have you ever had a three...?
- Have I ever what, sorry?
- I don't- I can't even finish it.
- Okay.
- If I never know the answer to that question,
I will die a happy person.
- Okay. No, come on, just...
Have you ever had a threesome with complete strangers?
It's not like even having a threesome would be enough.
With complete strangers.
- Just going to say-
- If you say yes to this, - Just going to say-
I can never talk to you again or look at you again
or ever be in the same room as you again.
- Okay. Just going to say,
I was a teenager, early 20s, in the '70s.
Liberal '70s. Just going to say.
(raunchy music)
(Jack sighs)
- I thought we'd got through it
without gaining any knowledge
that would trouble me for the rest of my life,
and then at the last moment,
you planted that image in my head.
- What can I say?
What can I say?
The '70s were fun.
- I'm going to smoke some weedy puff.
- Okay, I think that's a good note to end on.
- Yeah, I think it's a very good note
to end our relationship on.
We may never speak again.
Thanks, Netflix.
Why would you do this?
I can't shut my eyes, because if I shut my eyes,
I have the image in my head.
So I will now
have my eyes open for the rest of my life,
which may not be very long.
- Like a snake.
- Yes, like a snake.