- How can you know if someone is a narcissist
or just a jerk?
How do you free yourself from their abuse
and how do you keep it from happening again?
Today, we're going to talk
about how to overcome narcissistic abuse.
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I'm Alicia Decker, founder of Mended Light.
Question.
Do you know how to spot narcissistic abuse?
First things first,
when determining whether a person in your life
is actually a narcissist,
it's going to be important to recognize
that there is a difference
between acting like a jerk and being a narcissist.
All of us can be rude, entitled, craving validation,
or overly confident.
We can all display moments of vanity or self-obsession.
We all have those moments.
And for some people,
those moments are the rule rather than the exception.
In the case of narcissists, however,
these behaviors and beliefs are dialed up to an 11.
They lack the self-awareness and humility necessary
to self-correct or accept feedback.
Truly narcissistic persons display these traits.
First, a grandiose sense of self-importance.
Two, they live in a fantasy world
supporting their own delusions of grandeur.
Three, they need constant praise and entitlement.
Four, they take the advantage of others
without guilt or shame.
And five, they demean, bully, and intimidate others.
Let's break these down.
A grandiose sense of self-importance.
Narcissists truly believe that they are extraordinary,
exceptions to the rule and special,
often without any real-world experience
or evidence to support these beliefs.
They live in a fantasy world
supporting their delusions of grandeur.
Narcissists believe that opportunities
are coming their way just because
or because they overestimate how much work and effort
they've put into their life.
They may believe that people adore them who actually do not,
that they are destined for greatness
and have a highly inflated sense of accomplishment
that may not line up with reality.
They need constant praise and entitlement.
Relationships with narcissists tend to be one-sided.
It's all about how you can serve them,
build them up and stroke their ego.
Sometimes a narcissist gives back,
but only in ways that they want,
which don't require real sacrifice.
If they don't receive the praise
or gratitude they're expecting, they may retaliate
and respond with anger, shaming, or manipulation.
They believe that love, affection,
and friendship are things that they deserve.
They take advantage of others without guilt or shame
because a narcissist sees themselves as special.
They also believe that others exist on some level
to make sure the needs of the narcissists are met.
The delusions may be so pervasive
that they expect you to be grateful
for the opportunity to serve them, sacrifice for them,
and be there for them.
They may have an exaggerated perspective
on what they've done for you
and they do not hesitate to take and take and take
without giving much in return.
They demean, bully, and intimidate others.
This is where the abuse really becomes apparent
because narcissists feel entitled
to affection and relationships.
They see themselves as being better
or more special than others,
and view people in their lives
as a means to get what they want.
They are possessive and controlling.
People become property,
which they can treat however they want.
Narcissists gaslight their victims,
meaning they get them to question their sanity or judgment
while guiding them to only trust in the narcissist.
It may be difficult to see
if you've been involved with a narcissist
because they tend to be very charming, likable,
and know how to say and do the right things
to win people over.
In order to overcome the abuse, first, you need to determine
whether this is a relationship you want to keep.
It may be difficult to know
because narcissists tend to be invested in making you think
that you cannot live or function without them.
If the relationship is dangerous or harmful
to your mental and emotional health,
get help, get support, and get out.
If, however, this is a relationship you intend to keep,
such as with a family member or a lifelong friend,
then it's important to draw boundaries
for what you will and won't do,
how you will and won't be treated,
and how you will hold to those boundaries
when you encounter pushback or manipulation.
Do not argue with them.
They will likely stubbornly refuse
to consider your perspective.
When they attack, guilt, or shame you,
refuse to accept their version of who you are.
Consider the source and consider the motives.
A narcissist must shift blame
in order to preserve their idea of who they are
and to see themselves as a good person.
You will become their scapegoat.
They will try to get you to chase their approval.
If this is a romantic relationship,
it's usually better to move on and start over.
If you can't do so safely,
enlist professionals and even legal support
and law enforcement.
If it's a family relationship, remind yourself regularly
that the other person's views and behaviors are driven
by a personality disorder, not reality,
and do not allow yourself to get sucked into their orbit.
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