Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you what it means and what you can do when your partner says
she wants space, but keeps texting you all the time.
Ambitious, still to the end here,
because what is actually happening here is actually a good thing.
And I want you to be able to take this opportunity to understand exactly how to
respond so that you can take the next steps to actually rebuilding your
relationship for the better
[inaudible].
And in case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men in longterm relationships or marriages with
the right skills, mindsets, and knowledge,
to be able to design a thriving relationship for themselves.
And so if you want more content that can help you with your marriage,
then you want to subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well.
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before we begin this video,
I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for my free masterclass
on the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
So if you're interested in their masterclass,
be sure to stick around until the end of this video to get their announcement on
how you can get in on that.
So if you watched the other videos that other coaches publish about this is,
you know,
the first mistake that you don't want to make is to assign this to a character
problem. For example,
a lot of coaches will say that if your partner says she wants space,
but then yet still keeps texting you.
That means they're having some attachment issues here.
They're are kind of unsure of themselves.
Perhaps they're having some avoidant attachment issues or some disorganized
attachment issues, whatever it is,
but there's some attachment issues that's preventing her from wanting to commit
to you. It could be that she has this lack of a commitment,
and that's why she can't commit to you and why she's going back and forth.
Or you could be tempted to assign this as some other character problem. Like,
Oh, she's just being difficult. She's being confusing. It's just women,
whatever it is. And while it's nice to feel this way,
because you're getting some, you know, strips you of your responsibility here.
And it gives you the sense of clarity at the same time in the sense of the
problem is really not with me is really with her.
And the clarity you get here is that, Oh, it's just her being difficult, right?
So that can make you feel some sort of reward,
but understand that when you assign something to a character problem like this
to a problem of attachment issues or problem with a commitment issues and so on,
it doesn't really leave you with anything good or productive to act on.
This is what I call a true, but useless information is, again,
it doesn't give you anything to do that is within your control.
Anything that needs to be done here is simply what your partner needs to do,
which is they need to take care of that attachment issue.
They need to take care of this commitment issues and they need to learn
basically to not be so difficult. In fact,
it often leads you to perpetuating blame and eventually making things worse over
time.
So if you've been assigning to some character problem that a lot of coaches like
to go into, like the attachment issues and so on,
I want you to forget all that stuff and actually understand what is actually
happening here.
And what is happening here is actually pretty simple.
And this is based on my experience after working with hundreds of men being in
the same scenario that you're in right now is that your partner simply feels
conflicted.
So there's a part of her that wants the relationship to work out and wants to
work on the relationship. But there's another part of her that doesn't.
So on the one hand,
you two have had a lot of good moments together that she can look back on and
say, you know what? For the most part, you know,
most of the relationship is pretty great,
but what you need to understand about relationships here is not always about the
good moments. You could have a hundred good moments together,
but is that one bad moment, one bad conflict.
One part of your life that you cannot align on that is going to kind of slowly
kill that relationship over time. And this few bad conflicts that you have,
or the things that is making her feel hopeless.
And it's making her feel hopeless because she's probably tried a lot of things,
doing a lot of things to fix the relationship, to solve the relationship issues,
but nothing has worked.
She's probably tried to express some of this stuff to you,
and you might have promised changes in the past, but nothing hasn't worked,
nothing has changed.
So the only course of action she has right now is to simply give you some space
in the hopes that the space will not only heal her,
but also heal you and allow both of you to recognize some things that when you
do come back together, that things can change.
So what she will tell you here is that she needs space,
that she doesn't have any hope that she's confused. She doesn't know what to do.
And then she feels hopeless about the prospect of the future,
of your relationship of you and so on.
But the other part of her is also feeling like she wants this to work out.
She wants to go back to the way it was to relish the good memories to, you know,
she misses the good times you guys had.
And also she wants this relationship to work out, to succeed.
She wants to be able to see your changes.
She wants you to lead the changes and lets you show her your changes
and convince her emotionally that the past doesn't always equal the future.
So if your partner says she wants space,
but then still keeps texting you and keeps reaching out to you.
What she's doing here is she's simply hovering around you.
So she's not really swooping in to like commit to you a hundred percent because
she knows it's still a bad idea.
And she hasn't seen those changes to be emotionally convinced that, okay,
I want to commit now,
but at the same time,
she doesn't want to completely let go because she still wants to believe in this
hope. And this hope that you can change,
that the relationship can change and become better in the future.
So she hovers around you here because she wants to make it easy for you to show
her changes and for her to see your changes as you make it.
So now that you understand what the reason is behind this behavior,
it's very confusing behavior.
I want you to understand what you can do in a way that's effective.
So the first thing you need to do is you need to understand at this point and
how to make your presence more valuable in the context of this
relationship. So let's go back to the goals here, what we're trying to do. Now,
the first goal we're trying to do is it's understanding that her texting you and
reaching out to you is a good thing.
Don't misinterpret that as a character problem or some problem with her.
That's actually a good thing. That's her trying to make it easy for you.
So you want to turn that something good into something better.
That's the first goal is turning something good into something better and the
way you can turn something good into something better is by turning those,
texting that, reaching out into a more intimate setting,
into a phone call into a meeting, perhaps that's the idea and the,
the reason why you want to get it to a more intimate setting like this is
because you want to be able to show her your changes as you make your
changes. And as you show her, as you're making this, these changes,
you are showing her that the past doesn't equal the future, right? Crucial.
Now this is a lot to this as well, but this usually involves two parts.
Number one is making sure that every interaction you have,
you are simply leaving a door open for her.
You're letting her know in a clear way that the ball's in her court.
How do you do this first is by making sure that every interaction you have ends
with a question. So whenever she texts you, when you respond back,
their response needs to end with a question and it needs to be clear to her that
you know what I'm going to give you your space.
And I'm going to wait for you to reach out to me when you do, when you're ready,
just know for now that they're my door's always open and that I'm ready to chat
whenever you are ready to chat.
And so when you can convey this to her and put the ball in her court,
so to speak, you are putting yourself in a good position to simply wait.
Like you don't have to constantly think about, Oh, what should I say?
What should I do to reach out to my partner?
Because the ball is in our court now, right?
If she's not hitting it back to you paying the ball back to you,
that means that she's not ready to talk to you.
But if you don't end your interactions with questions and you don't clearly
leave the ball in her court, you can never be sure of this.
And so you're always going to be tempted to reach back out to her when maybe
it's not an appropriate time to reach back out to her, right?
But if you leave the ball in her court is always clear to you that as long as
you're not getting the ball back,
she's not reaching out to you that she's not ready to see you or hear from you
just yet. So you make the distinction very, very clear,
very black and white in your mind. And once you do this,
once you put the ball in her court,
you want to structure your life in a way that you're not reacting,
but you're responding to things. So a lot of us, for example, you know,
when we're a stage, when, where our partner wants space, and we're a part,
we have our phone next to us and we are looking at our phone all the time.
And whenever she texts,
we are dropping everything we're doing and we're texting her back. Right?
But instead of doing this,
what I want you to do is to learn really how to put your phone away and
simply schedule one to three moments in a day when you're checking your phone
and responding to her calls and responding to her texts.
So you're not going to be responding to her immediately every single time and
simply waiting for her to text you every single time you are limiting it to one
to three times a day.
And if she happens to text you or reach out to you in those moments,
outside those one to three times, you just leave it be until that moment.
And when you're checking your phone,
and this is not you being manipulative or playing some power game here,
but this is simply, you know how you should live your life.
You should live your life in a way that you will respond and not react because
this will help you focus a hundred percent on whatever it is you do.
So you're not always distracted by notifications from your phone.
And if you're not distracted at work, you can be fully focused at work.
You can also be fully focused when you're with her as well. You know, in life,
you, shouldn't also really not react to her Beck and call.
That's a very unhealthy pattern to have in your relationship.
And you know of all the times to kind of restructure your culture here,
now's the time to do it. So again,
the main takeaways here is that you want to always be able to leave the ball in
her court. And once you do still,
you're simply waiting for her to reach out to you. And when you're waiting,
you're not simply waiting with your phone on your desk, waiting for that text.
You're dedicating just one to three moments in a day when you're checking that
phone and also responding to her and only during those one to three moments.
And then when she reaches out to you with issues like she will in this case,
then you're also here trying to not be a cult fish.
So the first part there was you trying to not be needy.
Now you're trying to not to be a cold fish. How do you do that?
So whenever she reaches out to you, reward her for it, get excited,
say things like my gosh, how wonderful to hear from you.
I'm doing great and really get excited and really show your enthusiasm for
you. Seeing her text, have a few rounds of small talk, but again,
you want to always make your presence valuable here.
So as soon as you have a few rounds of smalltalk,
the temptation that we have is this conversation is texting can go for hours.
Sometimes that's a massive mistake after you have a few
rounds of small talk, just simply say, look, I've got to run right now.
I got to go,
but I would love to have this conversation with you to continue this
conversation with you. When would you refer you to get together?
When would you be free for a phone call?
When would you be free for a meeting to get dinner, whatever it is,
however you feel comfortable asking or escalating that text
into a form of meeting, a more intimate setting.
And honestly you can interpret every single time that she reaches out to you as
a sign that she's ready to talk to you,
that she's ready to have your presence here. Why is that?
So understand that when your partner says that she wants space,
right? She understands that every single time that she reaches out to you,
she's putting herself at risk of you starting up a conversation or really
removing that space that she wants. And so when she reaches out to you,
she knows this risk. And it's basically saying to you, I acknowledge this risk.
I know this risk exists and I'm okay with it.
I'm okay with you kind of intruding on my space a little bit,
because I want your presence at this particular moment.
So don't be afraid to quickly defer that conversation to a meeting,
to a more intimate appointment between YouTube and the reason why this is great,
because it's a balance between it's a nice balance between scarcity,
because you're not checking your phone all the time and you're not responding to
her every Beck and call.
And you are only texting one or two times back and forth before you are
deferring things to a meeting. But at the same time,
you are rewarding her as well in that you're not being a cold fish,
because every time she reached out to you, you are treating her,
giving her your full enthusiasm, your full presence.
And he also conditions the both of you to always defer to more intimate setting.
So if you're used to texting all the time and you're allowing this kind of
behavior in your relationship,
first of all,
there will be no reason why she would want to meet you or need to meet you
because she can text you anytime.
And there's no reason why for her to think that your presence is really
valuable, that something she used to cherish,
because she can reach you at every Beck and call anytime she wants to reach you,
she can reach you.
And as you defer more and more of your interactions to more intimate setting
here, you can use more of your body language, more of your tonality,
more of your intimate setting here so that you can show more of your changes in
a faster way, which is ideal, which is one of our goals again.
And one of the resistance that people have around this, it's like, okay,
you don't want me to check my phone often. What if she misunderstands that?
What if she misunderstands that has mean not caring about her or me, you know,
kind of ignoring her or playing this mind games with her. Because again,
this is going to be a very different behavior than what you're used to doing.
And whenever you change your behavior,
people might misunderstand the reasons behind your behavior. So,
first of all, understand here that, you know, misunderstandings are very,
very normal in relationships. It will always happen. Even in my relationships.
Sometimes there are moments when my partner misunderstands my intentions of
doing something, but in a relationship,
the point is not to avoid misunderstandings.
The point is to be faced with misunderstandings and understand how to deal with
it in a very artful way so that you can clear up their misunderstanding in a
very gentle and expert way. And if you trying to clear up the misunderstanding,
there's two things you can do here.
One is you can simply use the repeat or paraphrase and clarify a method that are
often teach to really understand why is she misunderstanding this?
What is she misunderstanding here? So a lot of us, for example,
when our partner misunderstand something that we do instantly justify it,
we say, Oh, no, no, no, no, you misunderstood.
Here's what I was actually trying to do before you do that,
ask some questions first and say,
okay, um,
it seems like you think when I don't reach out to you in six hours that you
think I don't care about you, can you tell me more about that?
Can you tell me more about how that feels for you?
And once you ask these questions,
you will get a better understanding of what is actually happening here,
why she's been misunderstanding and the reasons behind that misunderstanding.
And once you make her feel like knowledge,
you can give your own suggestion and kind of justify yourself a little bit here,
but justify yourself in a form of a question.
So you might ask first for example. Okay.
Um, can I tell you something, from my perspective, she says, yes.
And you can say, well, I'm doing this because,
and state your intention for doing this. Because for example,
I'm trying to be a hundred percent present at my work.
And also when I'm with you as well, you know, I'm trying to better myself here.
And,
you know, sometimes I feel like whenever I'm not distracted by my phone,
I can better myself in a better way. I can learn skills.
I can just be more at peace with myself and I can show up better when I'm with
you. And then once you kind of make your justification here, ended with a,
what do you think? So you can say, okay,
the reason why I'm doing this because of XYZ, what do you think about that?
And let her disagree or agree to it.
And if she disagrees to it, go back again and say, okay,
you seems like you don't agree with me on that. Or you don't believe me on that.
Can you tell me more about that?
So this conversation should be a recursive process and until the point where you
say, okay, here's my suggestion, my new suggestion, what do you think?
And she says, that makes sense.
That's when you come to an agreement and that's when you settled your
misunderstanding here. So again, as you're trying to, you know,
make your presence more valuable by taking away a lot of your presence in a way
to not answer to her every Beck and call and to limiting your texts to this very
short text, before you defer it to a meeting,
understand that one of the fears you will have is her tendency to misunderstand
your actions here,
but understand also that the point of our relationship is not to avoid
misunderstandings is to do the things that seem right to you.
And if a misunderstanding happens because of it is understanding the skill to be
able to work through that misunderstanding over time. And so,
as you're playing on this pattern,
you're going to get more and more moments when you were going to meet her.
You're going to be having this physical face to face time with her instead of
exchanges over text.
And that's when you can show her all the changes that you have experienced
all the ways that you've changed to show her again,
that another goal here is that the past doesn't equal the future,
she's hovering around you to make it easy for you to show her your changes and
for her to see your changes. So now when you're actually meeting,
show her your changes, but when you're showing her to change this here,
you want to show her the changes she actually wants to see that actually matters
to her. And I think a lot of men think that, you know,
uh, when I think about bettering themselves,
they think about this surface changes like,
um, you know, painting a good life on social media,
get pinning themselves as this high value. Man, for example,
being more successful, learning the right scripts, you know,
becoming more physically fit,
whatever it is that you think of when you're trying to better yourself,
that's not what she's looking for. And so if you want to learn more about that,
make sure to stay tuned until the end of the video,
where I'll post a link for you to understand what does it actually mean to
better yourself and better yourself in a way that will touch your heart.
That means a lot to her beyond just those superficial stuff.
And if you want to learn more about the key skills,
you need to learn to be able to retract your partner and emotionally convince
her that, Hey, the past doesn't equal the future here.
The future can be much brighter than the past and have her actually want to work
on the relationship with you to come back to you and the relationship.
Then you want to sign up for my free masterclass and the five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground. Up in this master class,
I'll show you the exact steps that all my students have used to go from a brink
of a divorce, for example, to a point where their relationship honestly,
thrives and thrives for the long haul as well.
And I'll also show you how you can simplify the complex problems in your
relationship right now, when you're struggling in your relationship,
the problems can seem very, very complex.
Sometimes like there's a million things that you need to fix before you can get
things right, but I'm going to show you the next few steps that you can take.
And as long as you make this next few steps,
you can start rebuilding your relationship in a very reliable way as well.
And also show you some important mindset shifts as well that you can take away
with you so that you can start to change the way you act and the way you
conduct yourself and your relationship for the better,
in a more effortless way without using your willpower or having to fake it till
you make it kind of approach. And so that masterclass interests you.
Then you want to click the button above my head or dominate the discussion box
or in the comment box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a free guide that can help you lead conversations
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And the link to that also below this video, in the meantime,
do leave a comment with what you thought was most valuable or most eyeopening in
this video. I'd love to hear from you in the meantime,
I do want you to watch this two other videos that can equip you with the right
skills and knowledge to be able to thrive in your marriage or in your
relationship for now. I'll see you in the next video.