Okay, listen up. This is the best way to immediately improve your marriage.
Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a professional psychologist. I've worked for over three decades now with
couples and relationships. The formula I'm going to share with you will seem counterintuitive
at first. But stick with me, because I've got some guaranteed principles to share with you.
I told you it seems a little counterintuitive at first. Our first step is to check in with our focus
and here's what I'm thinking. Your assumptions, your beliefs,
your thoughts matter and they matter a whole lot because it changes how you feel and it
changes how you show up. The biggest barrier to improving a marriage that I have seen in my career
is the assumption or the thought or the belief that my spouse needs to change something.
Check-in with that. I'm inviting you to just notice that that might be where your mind is and it's
so common, it's not your fault, it's traditional thinking to assume that this marriage needs to
have some change from my spouse in order for things to be okay. That is so traditional and
it's so common. I'm inviting you to just notice it at this point because if that's your focus we
have a little problem and the problem goes to the psychology of how people feel when somebody else
thinks that they need to change. Think about it for yourself, if I were to come to you and say you know
what there's just some things that you really need to change, that you really need to work on,
and this is all going to be so much better when you start behaving better. Alright, now how are
you feeling as I approach you that way? Do you notice it? Do you notice just a little bit of
a little defensiveness maybe? A little bit of resistance toward
what I'm going to say next. A little bit of, "Dr. Paul get out of my face, you don't know me",
alright, just notice that that triggers some feelings in you. Guess what? In a marriage your
thought that your spouse needs to change creates resistance and defensiveness in them and it's not
that you're wrong. I mean, I'm gonna give that to you, okay. You're actually probably right. Things
would be better if your spouse would shape up. That happens to be true but it's not useful
because of the emotional impact that it has and there was some research on this.
If you've looked up ever Dr. John Gottman go look him up. You'll find him right here on Youtube too.
Dr. John Gottman did this groundbreaking research it was probably over 30 years ago now
where he found that roughly 70 percent of the conflicts or problems in a marriage are
unresolvable and it's because in conflict situations the natural psychological response
is to ask who's to blame for this and when we do that it becomes really obvious really fast
that it's our spouse that's to blame for this and we identify what they
could or should do better. Now, what government found in the research is that anytime
criticism is perceived and criticism doesn't have to be real or intended. As long as it's
perceived it works and it triggers a natural response in the person who's feeling criticized.
Defensiveness... then leads to kind of a counter-attack and that leads to
turning away from each other. Goblin called this the four horsemen of the apocalypse
and it starts with the criticism. Here's why we put this right up front in step one because
your thoughts about this matter and as long as you think that your spouse needs to change something
it's going to work counter to what you're trying to accomplish. It will actually make things worse
not better. That's why we're starting there and I acknowledge to you that it felt counterintuitive
because you're actually right that things would be better if your spouse improved but that's not
helpful. Because it gets us into that negative dynamic, you with me? The second step in this
three-step formula is to learn the principles that actually bring about success in a relationship.
There are nine proven guaranteed principles. When I say proven and guaranteed sometimes people get a
little skeptical, "Oh, here's a psychologist giving a guarantee", the principles don't work unless you do.
In fact, some people ask me, will this work for me? No, this won't work for you but you can work with
this because you're the one who's going to apply them and if you apply these principles I guarantee
success. Listen to what I'm saying and I have seen some goofy stuff over almost three decades now
of clinical experience. I have seen some goofy stuff and I guarantee that when you apply these
principles you can have successful outcomes. We don't have time to go into all the principles
on this particular video today. But I've captured them for you in just a quick pdf
format. You can print it out. You can hang it on your wall drpauljenkins.com/9principles
You see the URL right there on your screen just go pick it up.
Tell me where to send it, I'll put it right in your inbox nine principles. Remember, they're guaranteed.
You apply these principles you're going to have some successful outcomes and if if you don't
challenge me on it let me know I did this thing but it didn't work. Usually what happens is people
don't do it and then of course it doesn't work or they keep trying the old stuff. The criticism,
the blame, the defensiveness, all of that. You know, when I first learned about these nine principles
I went to a conference. I spent I think two days in this conference with the Gottman's
learning about the research that they had done on the criticism that negative pattern that
I described to you earlier and at the end of the conference I went home and I was having a
little conversation with Vicki about what I had learned and I sharing some of my notes
from the meeting and things like that and she summed it up. She grabbed it beautifully
as she said, "Oh, so do more of what works and less of what doesn't. Is that what you learned
in a couple of days in this conference and I'm like yeah that's pretty much it.
That's pretty much it. Do more of what works and less of what doesn't. What doesn't work? Criticism.
What does work? Nine principles. Go get the PDF you're going to be blown away by the
simplicity and the power of these nine principles. Just go get it.
drpauljenkis.com/9principles
Now, I can't just give you the nine principles without
a warning and this is step three actually of our three-step formula. Remember quick
recap, step one, turn on the metacognition think about your position. Are you taking a position
that your spouse needs to change something? If so, be aware of it. Maybe change that up
because that's counterproductive. Number two, learn the principles specifically the nine
principles that I offered in that free handout. So, go grab that. Now, here's step three, be careful.
Alright, because I've just given you nine power tools and I know enough about power tools to
know a couple of things. First of all, they don't work unless you plug them in and turn them on.
Alright, so, once you get these nine principles in your hand plug them in and turn them on. That's
what power tools are for. Power tools get the job done so much more quickly than other alternatives
and power tools are dangerous. Now, you might think I'm kidding about that, I'm not. These are
dangerous power tools when they're not used properly and according to the safety guidelines.
I remember one of my clients coming to see me he had some post-traumatic stress because he had
accidentally cut off half of his hand with a saw, a power saw. Power saws are powerful and they're
dangerous these tools are too. I sent a couple home from my office to memorize these nine principles
and that's usually the the assignment that I give when I'm doing couple coaching. Memorize the
nine principles commit them to memory. I sent them home to do that, I forgot to give them the safety
guidelines and they came back a week later worse than they were when I saw them the first time.
Worse, why? Because they immediately took these nine principles and started to criticize and blame each
other for not living up to the nine principles. Okay, the and now we're off to the races, criticism,
defensiveness, contempt. These power tools are for personal use only. Will you please write that in
big letters and whatever notes you're taking. Personal use only they are not to be used on
your spouse. These are not things that your spouse could or should be doing better. Yes, acknowledged
things would be better if your spouse did improve. That's true but it's not useful. As soon as you
identify even in your own thinking you don't even have to say it out loud. But as soon as you
identify what your spouse could do better it creates an energy where they are more likely
to feel criticized and then we're off to the races. Okay, it doesn't work. That's more of what
doesn't work. These are for personal use only. So, here's how I want you to use those nine principles.
Look over the list, ask yourself. Which of these nine principles can I apply and then you start
working on that. I guarantee you're going to find 2, 3, 4, maybe 9 that you could be
working on. Look, we all have room for improvement. This will tell you what
direction you can put your efforts to immediately improve your marriage. Use this three-step formula
and although it seems a little counterintuitive at first, you can see the power of it. Start to apply
those principles, use the safety guidelines, you've got this. You can see that a lot of what we talked
about here has to do with personal development and that's the best way to improve your relationships.
Cue up that next video how to reprogram your own mind to stay strong and positive. You're
going to get more ideas about how you can power up every aspect of your life. I'll see you there.