As much as I hate abuse, I love helping people learn how to recover from sexual
abuse. You're in the right place today. As a returning guest today, Leta Green,
you've done so much good in this world believe it and thank you for joining me.
Just trying to be cool as my friend Dr. Paul. You know what, Leta, I knew you first as a speaker who
gives presentations to groups and organizations and you trained on a
variety of topics and then suddenly, you get pulled into a whole different topic
because of a Facebook post. Which most of my speaker friends have been like this
is a really bad idea that you have this attached to your name because it is such
a sticky, uncomfortable topic. Who's going to want to hire the lady who talked about
that but - I put a Facebook post up. The voice of truth backed me out. Well and
that topic - there's this whole Me Too movement. There's so much talk right
now about sexual abuse and how it affects people and you've got a little
different take on that Leta which is why you're here.
Because the anger of the Me Too movement and I, we are totally, those have been
victimized, have every right to go through the cycles of grief. It is a loss
of innocence to feel angry. Anger is not a destination and so here I am seeing
all this me to stuff coming at me. I make this post saying this is what I would
say to my 14 year old self. This is what I would say and I'm talking about the
fact that my friends don't know that's not because I'm hiding it. But because
there's no longer a defining part of my life. It doesn't define you. It's made me
better and I almost hate to say that when I know the girl I was, was like - "what
do you mean it makes me better? This hurts so bad." But I have empathy, I have
better judgment, I'm a better mom, I'm a better wife. There are so many things
that's enhanced who I am because I've done the self work, took a long time but
to where it was just like - "okay, there you go. It's over here and then I'm really
the me to movement of the anger in it that there are millions of victims and
millions of people like me that do not connect with the - "let's go get them and
string them up!" And the anger and that message is not the message I want to
send to the little girl and me the little girl that has gone through this
and little boy who's going through this or my child if something like this
happened to them. Well it's understandable Leta. It does
understandable. It doesn't contribute to a solution or to recovery or to any...
It divides and to recognize that many sexual abusers were also once victims - right,
yeah. There's all these levels of shame that lead to this being this secret
plague in our society that we don't want to talk about. So Leta, rather than
that - yeah. How about we do talk about - we're talking about it. How to recover
because you've experienced this yourself. You've chosen not to let this define you.
There are some very clear steps. In fact just a few simple steps that I think
people could follow in this recovery. Can you illuminate that case. So first
and foremost, you have to sort out - blame. Now when a dictatorship takes over a culture,
in a lot of country, they start controlling the words. So to define what blame means,
is who caused it. Okay. Simple way. Because it has a lot of victim connotations.
We're not going there and we're simply... We're not blaming other people, it's... Right, this is -
who caused the injury? Okay, now that gets sticky because people say - "well, they were
dressed a certain way." I mean I was accused because I sat men's laps.
Seriously, as a three-year-old child that was people - right? Well yeah and people
will have all kinds of... Yeah they try... Can we just cut to the chase?
Who is to blame? 100% the perpetrator. 100% no matter what. 100 %?
100%. 100 % because - okay - you cannot work on sorting out your
self-worth you have to do - you've been dumped with a mess in your lap. If
somebody came up and threw a bunch of poo in your lap and you were like - even
if there was like a joke before like hahahaha! Wouldn't that be funny? If I
threw poo? Doesn't matter. Didn't really think they were going to do
it and you know making it simple for kids, right? That somebody did that, you
still have a mess you have to clean up. But that does not mean that you caused
it. Somebody else threw that upon you. This is helpful Leta because if we
define blame as who caused this - right. Even it's 100 % the perpetrator - on
the perpetrator - right. Are we clear about that? Even if they were dating, even if they
are married because there's actually abuse and assault happens within a
consensual relationship. But if that event was without consent, it is sexual
abuse. Can I introduce another word here? Yes. More words. Because I often in the
models that I teach. I will keep comparing contrast. Blame with
responsibility. Does that trigger something for you? Now and I... In my book, I break
this into two words. Response - ability! So respond... Your ability to respond to
something - right, right. So as a victim of abuse, you are not to blame. You did not
cause this. I think she said a 100% it's on the purpose. a 100% . You do
have some response - ability - yes and you can't ask us about that your attacker or
your abuser to give you permission to respond. Well you could but that would put
you in a perpetual victim mode - right. So you have to understand. You
didn't cause this. So just let go of all that shame and the guilt and the poop
and everything goes with that because that's holding you back from being able
to go- "okay now what am I going to do about it?"
Yeah. It's three and four-year-old child, there's very little that you can do, so
if you're dealing with something that happen years or decades before, you now
are able to sort out. It was their fault - okay. What am I going to do?
And now sadly, their responsibility to fix this is on you. You didn't cause it - right.
It's not your fault that it happened, no matter what the circumstances were but
it is your responsibility to solve it and this is where it's really sticky
because we have this thing in society of well they should take care of
when they take care of it then I'll be okay and we blame other you know we're
blaming and...How would that possibly ever happen? Aaah --- right, right, right that's a possible
situation. We do this and we're asking for validation. It's like Facebook likes
of how many people agree with me if it's okay for me to go on with my life. No, no
no, no, no. Your life, your body, you get to decide ... You're in response... And so if you are not wanting
someone to be in your sphere of influence, then be like - "hey, I don't want
to be near you. I'm having damage trust." Instead we're like - "oh, I'm fine. I'm okay.
It's alright. I got to be nice." So getting really practical about this for
a minute. Taking responsibility is not an easy
step. It is however very empowering and you might need some assistance, some help.
Absolutely. That they are taking your recovery away from where you've been traumatized. Right. You're
getting it right back into your control. You're not asking your attacker or those
who are not supportive of you to be okay with you. Taking control of your life.
Right, right. This is your head, your thoughts, your life, you get to decide who
spends time in there - yes and when you have been victimized, you are running it
through a filter but they're okay with it or not and you have to stop that by
putting the responsibility of their part on them and it kind of leads like a
forgiveness thing. It does not release them.. -I love that word. -Yeah I do and it's people are
like - "what do you mean I'm supposed to forgive my attacker?" You are...It's not
about them, it's about you being released from the cause - yes and
saying - "you know what, I'm just going to release you to God, karma." Whatever you want to
call it and I call it the atonement of Jesus Christ and that you are now only
in charge of you. Working on you not trying to fix them. It's not about them.
It's not about them. Forgiveness releases that connection to where it's just you.
Right - and so that you're not like ' "well how are they doing you worry about you.
Anytime you're putting the focus outward you're not really working on you, inward.
We're creating drama around it. And so by focusing that what needs to be done in
you and it's a lot of work involving therapy, you can do all kinds of
different modalities. But if you're not working on
what you're thinking you are going to stay in this place of waiting for the
next victim and you're going to be victimized again because you have no
patterns and who you are. And even though you didn't cause it you are responsible
to work on you to get to a healthy place. And the root word... -You get to have a
peaceful, joyful life. -You get it and it's so worth it. And I put this out to you
that it's even more joyful because now you know you're tough. -Yeah, interesting. Yes, I
love the empowering feel of of what we're talking about here because we are...
We're really releasing that attacker that abuser that perpetrator. Whatever
label we put on that. This person does not get to define you anymore. -Right
because people act like they have to know why they did it. -Right. Well, people
also question their own worth when it comes to issues of abuse. What have
you learned about that, Leta. -Because the act of sexual is meant to be something that
is so sweet and unifying between a man and a woman, right? It's supposed to be
this beautiful thing that makes babies and it's, you
know, the thing that Bond's couples together. It's meant to be this unifying
force that cannot be comprehended. It's so powerful, it's so amazing. It's awesome.
-It's actually kind of cool. -Right. -Yeah. That's what it's meant to be and it gets
twisted and corrupted by something that is now violating and hurtful. And I like
to refer to it he is who is poopy? -You know, it's always when I bring moms
on my show that word? What is up with that? So, wants you to feel that you are worthless.
And so, things like this that you can clearly define is what they know
biblically would be called sin, right? It's not the sins on them not you,
right? So, separating that. That's why you forgive so you can move on and be you.
It's meant to be this beautiful thing that they have twisted and corrupted and
so, it is so violating to your inner soul because it's not what this was meant to
be. -Yes. -And so, you think that you are somehow damaged goods, a used tissue. But
your value is not set by your attacker, your value is not set
Society, your your value is not even set by you.
-Maybe it's established before all of that. -Yes, your value is that you are you.
And that you were divine and infinite. And I believe in God and that God made
us special and perfect and unique and all of everything. You know the old
analogy to take a dollar bill on your crumpet up is still worth a dollar. Even
though that dollar doesn't like that was crumpled up it's still worth a dollar.
We're all a million, billion, trillion dollars of worth. But the poopyness, the
darkness, the evil wants to say that that has now been taken away from you. And it
is not... You just can't see it. That's one of the steps of recovery,
right? -It is. Is recognizing. And Alcoholics Anonymous. Their steps of
recovery ends with recognizing that there is a divine source. And I believe
that it's such an integral part of really recovering is understanding
however you choose to frame, you know, spirituality. But it's something you do
have to recognize that there is a higher power and that higher power loves you.
And that when you understand that, your worth has not been taken from you, it has
not been tarnished. In fact, if anything, he holds you closer and loves you.
Because of the dark and evil that you've gone through. But knowing darkness, the
yin and the yang. -Mmm. You get the light. And I have been
blessed with having seen darkness. And I know that seems weird to say because I
am more apt to find light in my life and to recognize what it is. And to teach the
difference. -Powerful inspiring words. You brought some hope, Leta.
Right there who thinks I'm full of it, it's true. I know...
Fun little words. But you know what? You're coming from a place of
experience. The hope that we can create as we realize, you know what? Our worth
does not depend on what anybody has said about us, has done to us, what has
happened to us. Even whether we still have all of our parts or not. I mean, you
know, does an amputee have less worth than someone who's got all... -See? That
makes it so clear. It's like how would you say that
someone? They're no less of a person because they lost their leg. -And
because you have lost a piece of your heart, well, you can recapture that. -So,
recovery, absolutely possible. Get whatever help or support that you need.
We're part of your team. -Yeah. That's why you're here on this video. We've got
other resources that were creating. -And we want to help you to understand that
you're not at fault. You are responsible to fix your life because no one else
can do that for you. -That's your job. -Sorry, I know that seems mean. But as long
as you're ask anyone else to fix you, they will fix you over and how they
think you should be fixed. -Your worth is fixed and it's great and you
can't diminish it. -No. -So connect with that. -And no one else can
diminish it either. You just can't see it. -You know what? You've got this. -Yes you do.
Wow, Leta's got some energy doesn't she? And some experience around this.
Hopefully you found some benefit and you probably thought of someone who could
use this as well. Please share.