-Welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for watching.
Let's get to some news here.
Well, guys, everybody is still talking about Elon Musk
buying Twitter for $44 billion.
Yep. First Tesla and now Twitter.
It's amazing how much money you can save
when you don't have to pay for gas, isn't it?
$44 billion. Not too shabby.
$44 billion. That's a lot.
That's almost three printer cartridges from Staples.
You know, if you think about it.
Seriously, you know you're rich when you buy something for
$44 billion and you're still rich.
Yep, Musk says he's going to bring back
free speech to Twitter.
It's a big deal, because if it's true,
it means we'll finally be able to talk about Bruno.
And...
Finally, it'll...
Yeah, Musk has a lot of ideas for the app.
He plans to defend free speech, get rid of spam bots,
and make Jeff Bezos' head the new Twitter egg.
[ Pop! ]
Of course, some people are worried that Musk
will have a negative impact on Twitter.
Yes, compared to the absolute paradise it's been all along.
Well, some news from Washington.
Today, it was announced that Vice President Kamala Harris
has tested positive for COVID-19.
Yeah. President Biden told her to take her time recovering.
He was like, "When I was VP,
I was gone for two years, and nobody even noticed."
I don't know if she can do that.
Thankfully, Harris is feeling good
and will remain isolated,
just like she has since taking office.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter ] -Oh, boy.
-Yeah, The White House said that Harris
has been nowhere near Biden for over a week,
which pretty much tells you all you need to know
about that relationship.
You're like...
Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
just returned to work after testing positive for COVID.
And she said that she spent her quarantine
watching all of "Bridgerton."
Which explains why she was still feverish
three days after recovering.
♪♪
Wow!
Apparently, Pelosi got really into it.
She was like, "Anthony can storm my Capitol anytime."
And you go, "Whoa, hey!"
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this.
A judge in New York is holding former president Trump
in contempt of court for failing to turn over documents,
and he's being fined $10,000 a day until he does.
[ Cheers and applause ] Wow.
Trump's actually trying to locate the documents right now.
He's going through his filing system of
buried, shredded, or flushed.
[ As Trump ] I think I buried that one.
I tried flushing, that didn't work, so I buried it."
Hey, this is fun.
Today, Auntie Anne's gave away free pretzels for
National Pretzel Day.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
And if you celebrated, I'm sorry you were stuck at the airport.
Hey, get this.
A family in Massachusetts won $5 million
from a lawsuit against a country club
after their property was hit with over 600 golf balls.
The family was like, "You know, when we moved
directly next to a golf course,
we had no idea this could happen."
Every day for four years, their Ring doorbell was like,
"Motion detected, motion detected,
mo-mo-mo-mo-motion detected."
Honestly, this is what happens
when you live in a tiny windmill.
Do you know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.
And, finally, it is Tuesday. It is time for "WeTweet."
Here we go, everybody.
-♪ "WeTweet" ♪
♪ "WeTweet" ♪
-Welcome to "WeTweet."
This is where we, as a group,
decide something that we should post on Twitter, okay?
I'm going to show you five different tweets,
and we're all going to vote on
whether you like each one or not.
You all have voting clickers at your seats.
Did you get them there?
I can just tell by the confusion that, yes, it is working.
Now, you can all vote for --
Why is everyone looking left and right?
You have them now, right?
Okay?
Wow. Okay, here we go.
You can all vote for...
People are still going like this.
Either you have it or you don't. Okay, here we go.
You can vote for all of them, okay?
That's the fun of the game.
You can vote for all of them, whatever you want,
and we'll see the results live.
Or you can vote for none of them,
if you don't feel like doing this.
You can just go, "Jimmy, you do the work.
I'm not doing the work for you. Yeah."
Roots, you have clickers, as well.
-Yep. -Yes, we do.
-How correct have you been, Tariq, on these?
-Oh, I'm always spot on.
-You know which one is going to be tweeted.
-Absolutely. Yeah.
-Quest? -I'm 50/50.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-I know which ones they are, but we didn't rehearse it,
so The Roots do not know.
And I think I know which one it is, too,
but I've been pretty good.
I think I've nailed it.
-Uh, not so much.
-You have no idea which one --
what I'm voting for or what I'm doing or --
It's all -- It's private.
-Okay. [ Laughter ]
-Alright, whatever tweet gets the most likes,
we will tweet it out live on the show,
and you can all like it and "WeTweet" it from home.
Thank you. It's a shared experience.
You guys -- Are you guys ready to have some fun?
[ Cheers and applause ] Alright, here we go.
The first tweet is...
Alright. Alright. Wow. ♪♪
Uh...I like that,
but I feel like the audience is, like, tepid on that one.
The votes are in. Let's see the results.
Alright, there you go.
It was, yeah, like almost 50/50, but, yeah, it was a non-tweet.
Here we go. [ Sad tuba plays ]
Thank you, Damon. [ Laughter ]
Alright, here's the next one. The next one is...
♪♪
"You don't think I can handle that?
You don't think I can handle a little bump and grind?"
Let's see -- Let's see the results.
Here we go.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's a goodie. That's a good one.
"Yeah, you don't trust me?
Come on. I can do it."
Alright, next one here.
♪♪
Okay.
Let's see the results on that one.
Yeah! ♪♪
You have to, right? Yeah, yeah.
You calling it right now?
-No, I was wrong on that one. -You were?
-Yeah. -Oh, wow. Interesting.
I would be a little disappointed.
He has to do that, right? Yeah. Next up.
♪♪
Oh, don't -- You're playing the theme wrong.
You're not even playing the waiting theme.
Yeah. At least give it --
Give it a fighting chance.
You start playing depressing music after it,
what are they supposed to do?
It's like when "The Brady Bunch" had a serious --
♪ Womp, womp, wa-na ♪
No, it's corn cones, man.
I'm thumbs-upping it right now, man. Corn cones.
I want to see that happen. Kellogg's, you hearing me?
Let's see the results.
Oh, my... [ Laughter ]
[ Sad tuba plays ]
Oh, my God. [ Laughs ]
Oh, my -- Oh, my gosh.
I've never seen that result ever.
-Yeah. -And I voted "yes" for you.
-Our audiences are on the same page tonight.
-I think I may have doubled or tripled down on it.
-No, it doesn't matter. You can only vote once.
Alright, the last one here for "WeTweet."
This last one is...
♪♪ That's pretty funny.
"Hey, I'm a hot-tub guy.
Hey, don't worry about it."
"What does your husband do?"
"I'm a hot-tub guy. What's up? Let's get in there, man.
Let's...
Let's touch kneecaps and see what's up.
Don't worry about it, man. We all got it, right?
Come on, man.
Let's have fun in this hot tub, man.
Rub-a-dub-dub."
-Rick. His name's always Rick.
-His name's always Ricky? -Right.
-"Ricky The Hot-Tub Guy."
Alright, let's see the results on that jam.
Oh, not bad!
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Whoa!
That's the winner right there.
[ Dinging ]
That's it!
I will post this during commercial break.
Thank you for helping me out, helping us out.
If you see it on your feed, give it a like,
give it a "WeTweet," and enjoy.