Do you want to know how to deal with entitled step children? Well, I'm Nicholeen Peck.
I am the creator of Teaching Self-Government. A parenting program that has been going now long
over 20 years and it is a global program. People all over the world are using it,
and a lot of people who are dealing with this issue with entitled stepchildren.
Talk to me about what to do about it. So that's what we're going to discuss in this video.
It really is difficult when you're trying to blend together different families, different ideas.
The children have a history with a different kind of parenting or maybe even are visiting a parent
who does things completely different from you, on a regular basis. This can be very hard.
Your heart's in the right place, you love them, you want them to know that. But for some reason they keep
pushing you away or they start acting like they demand things from you. As if, you an adult in their
life who was taking care of them has no say, and cannot tell them one thing to do. This actually is
a problem not as much because of the children. But because of the dynamic that they're dealing with
the parents. So, before this step-parent comes along, the children are happily being raised. Well maybe,
not always happily. But being raised in a certain way by 2 people mother and father, and these
children are used to things a certain way. In fact, they don't have much history in their lives.
And so then, here comes somebody else who has different ideas, a different background. Maybe, they've raised
other children a different way or they were raised a different way than what they're seeing.
And so, there is automatically this feeling like, "You don't get to come into our family and tell
us what to do." And I think, even step-parents feel like I shouldn't go into somebody else's family
and tell them what to do. But then sometimes the step-parent is like, "But I see so clearly.
Something they could do that would make a big difference." In fact, it would heal relationships,
and after all, isn't that what we're hoping for. Is the type of bond whether step-children are natural
children or we feel like we enjoy each other's company. We can help each other along in our paths
of life and that can't happen unless there is a connection there. Also, when the biological parents
don't get along with each other that almost gives children permission to be entitled. They realize
really quickly they can play the parents against each other to get the most of what they want.
And, lots of times the parents play in. Because they want to have the most time with their children,
so they want to be the favorite parent. So that means, that everyone then starts focusing on
being a friend to the child instead of being a parent to the child. So, what happens is
the child actually becomes displaced in their own family, they lose their identity as child,
and all the parent's roles as parent also get lost. And so, everyone ends up in a dysfunctional place.
And, that's why we start demanding things from each other. The children get entitled, they're demanding
from parents and step-parents, and the parents are demanding back from the children occasionally.
But not enough that we're going to ruin the friendship. Just so you know the goal of a parent should not
be to be the child's friend or favorite person. In the end, the person who's the most principled
lives according to their values and principles. Will be the one who will win out the affection
of the child or at least the respect of the child in the long run and you want to be that parent.
So, don't choose to not be a parent in order to try to be the favorite for a short period of time.
They need you to be a strong influence in their life. Not a person that just gives them whatever
they want. Children who get whatever they want are miserable and oftentimes, don't even feel loved.
You need to recognize that and, as a step parent watching this video. There are certain
things that you can do to help those step children also bond more closely to you. So, who
are you? Self-evident truth number 1: You are an adult. Well, if you're the step-parent watching this.
But you are an adult. What does it mean to be a good adult? Ask yourself that question.
Do you realize, we live in a day and age where many adults are afraid to act like adults in front of children.
Especially, if those children don't biologically belong to them. But due to your role as a step-parent,
are you required at all to do things for the children? Do you cook for the children?
Do you drive the children places? Do you teach the children things? Do you help them with their
homework? Do you correct them occasionally when things go wrong? If you do all of those things
for a child then you are an adult in their life who has influence. If you choose not to do any
correcting when a child has entitlement then you are not using that influence in a positive way.
In fact, you will still influence them it will just be that the influence will now happen in a negative way.
So, how are you going to influence your child? You have to decide ahead of time. I'm an adult.
I am their step-parent. I am a caretaker of them. Which means I have to teach them. Whether I'm their
biological parent or not. I have a moral obligation as an adult in society to help the children.
That's where you're at really. It's not about whose child is this. One person doesn't have exclusive rights
to a child, if they are going to allow other people to take care of them. So you've made the
decision, you're going to be a good adult. You're going to have a good influence in their lives.
You're not going to play the friend. I mean, sure you'll be kind and loving and all of that.
That's what a parent does, that's what an adult does. But you're going to be a good adult instead.
Which means, you're going to correct them sometimes. This means you'll need boundaries, you need to determine
where are your boundaries. So in my family, we have 4 basic skills that help us determine where our
boundary lines are. Those 4 basic skills are: following instructions, accepting no answers, and
criticism accepting consequences and disagreeing appropriately. So, if you have skills in place such
as the skill following instructions. Which says, you should look at the person, keep a calm face
voice and body. Say, "Okay" you're asked to disagree appropriately. Do the task immediately and then
check back. So if I gave a child an instruction and they didn't look at me. Then, they are not following
the boundary. The boundary is, they do need to look at me and if they don't then I'll need to correct them.
So you need to have boundaries. What are your boundaries? Do you have boundaries that lead to
increased respect of your parental authority or at the very least your adult authority?
Because you are an adult in their life that is doing things for them, which means you do have a say
in stuff at least when they're with you. When they're somewhere else. You may not get as much say
as their biological parents. But when they're with you, you do have a moral obligation to correct them
and make sure that they obey boundaries. Which means, you've got to decide where yours are.
Where are your no answers? what are your instructions? what kind of consequences are you going to have?
If you don't know the answers to these questions. I highly recommend going to
teachingselfgovernment.com, looking at the teaching self-government parenting course. Finding some of
the resources there to learn even more about how you can teach those types of skills and create
those boundaries for your family. Also, before I get to my next point, if you like this content subscribe.
I put out these type of videos every single day of the week and you don't have to
watch them all. But when they come by you'll be able to see if there's something else that
you might need or have a question about. When a person is entitled, they feel like they deserve
certain treatment. Oftentimes, they feel like that they deserve not to be corrected, this is a problem.
They may feel like they deserve certain things too. Like phones and you know different types
of digital time, or time with friends, or certain kind of clothing styles that maybe don't match
your home standard and your home environment. But don't be fooled by any of that. We need to make
sure that we declare the "no" answers where they are. But then the next thing we have to do is we
have to correct the problem. So, it's one thing to say that's a "no" answer. But when they don't care
then, what do you do? Because an entitled child oftentimes acts like they don't care. So you have
to have a method in place for how to correct the children. Hopefully, your spouse has been able to do
some of the teaching self-government training with you that I offer, and you can unify on the same way
to correct your children. So, in the teaching self-government program we have a seven-step
process for correcting children. This process of correcting children is really analytical,
it's really calm, it's really logic based and it helps the child have no wiggle room or excuses. In fact,
it's very consistent you've got to have that type of a correction. Consistent it's got to teach cause
and effect, hold the child accountable but not be aggressive which is important. So, I know the step-
parent you know, you're always worrying about are they going to say something about me. Am I going to
get in trouble for not treating them the right way. But if you are always calm and you teach them.
This is how I will correct you every time and you do the same words the same correction every time and
you're just consistent. But you're also consistent with your calmness, there is nothing that they can say.
I mean, what are they gonna say. They're gonna say, "Well I swore at my stepmom, and she
corrected me, and told me I earned an extra chore." That's not so scary, right? So, it's okay as long
as you're calm all the corrections are probably going to be okay. Especially, if you teach everyone
ahead of time what the cause and effect will be in the home. So you've got to determine that.
Be sure to get the help as you need it from teachingselfgovernment.com. If you've enjoyed this
video all about entitlement and step-children. Then I'm pretty sure you're going to enjoy
the next video I have for you, which is: How to develop self-control in a child. Everything we
talk about here on the teaching self-government channel is about self-government or self-control.
So go and get the basics on self-control, so that puts all the other teaching together for you.