AGENT: We've got a goddamn crisis on our hands.
GENERAL: Tell me something I don't know.
AGENT: They attacked a tanker in the south pacific at 0400...
... Secretary-General wants to talk retaliation.
GENERAL: Big Tom wants to swing back?
AGENT: Ask him when we get there. Half the fleet's in the north atlantic.
GENERAL: And he wants us stuck out there with nothing but our dick in our hands?
AGENT: NATO D-3 just gave us reliable intel that the ta-
GENERAL: You're asking me to put a hundred B-98s on the line on the say-so of NATO's glorified paperwork?
COMPUTER: ACCESS GRANTED.
AGENT: I'm asking you to trust my judgment.
GENERAL: Hmph.
GENERAL: Unfortunately for you, I still remember Burma.
AGENT: Goddamnit, that wasn't my operation!
SECRETARY: Sir. From the General.
AGENT: Phew...
GENERAL: Is that what I think it is?
AGENT: Shit just hit the fan, and we all had our mouths open.
GENERAL: Is the fan planning on retaliating?
AGENT: I sure hope so, or shit's gonna run ramshod all over this entire region.
COMPUTER: VOICEPRINT REQUIRED.
GENERAL: I'm John Military.
AGENT: I work at the CIA.
COMPUTER: ACCESS GRANTED.
AGENT: So what the hell's our next move?
GENERAL: I don't know. We'll have to ask the boys in Washington.
SECRETARY: Sir. From the Super-General.
AGENT: They dropped a nuke on Washington.
GENERAL: Shit. How's your wife?
AGENT: Still imaginary. Yours?
GENERAL: Five-foot tall Jack Russel terrier.
[zip]
GENERAL: Turn on three.
AGENT: One.
GENERAL: Two.
AGENT: Three.
[zip]
SECRETARY: Your dick's out.
AGENT: Correct.
AGENT: Speaking of which, you been working out?
GENERAL: Only when I meditate. I do squat-thrusts in my mind.
AGENT: I've been meaning to try that.
GENERAL: Think I pulled something last night. Can't remember my mother's face any more.
AGENT: That's fine, I'll draw you a picture.
GENERAL: I definitely got her eyes.
AGENT: [sigh] What a time to be alive.
MAGIC WALL: ACCESS...
... GRRRANTEEEEEED!
AGENT: Talk to the President yet?
GENERAL: Which one? Shadow Scientist-President, or --
AGENT: Lizard Seductress. Shadow hasn't been the same since prom night.
PREGNANT SECRETARY: It's yours.
AGENT: Great. Another damn kid.
Barely have enough time to write as it is.
GENERAL: That reminds me. I had another idea for your screenplay.
AGENT: Yeah?
GENERAL: I think the main guy should work at a Schlotzsky's.
AGENT: You are a good writer.
GENERAL: Goddamn it...
... Mother's Day.
GENERAL: Uh-huh...
AGENT: Hey mom, how's stepdad, yeah?
GENERAL: ...Yeah, I'm taking care of myself...
AGENT: ...Dog's doing well?
GENERAL: I told you...
AGENT: Good. Glad to hear it.
BOTH: Love you, mom.
GENERAL: Mothers are a national treasure.
AGENT: That's why we had to lock 'em all up.
GENERAL: Thank God for phones.
YRATERCES: [POSSESSED BABBLING]
GENERAL: Hey, do me a favor?
AGENT: Anything.
GENERAL: Grow three inches real quick.
AGENT: Sure.
GENERAL: Thanks.
[smooch] [smooch] [smooch]
[confusion]
[realization]
[smooch] [ding]
MOTHER SECRETARY: [labor noises]
GENERAL: Shit. You ever deliver a baby?
AGENT: Bark bark, I'm a shark.
GENERAL: BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB.
AGENT: It's okay. C'mon, push. You can do it. Push.
MOTHER SECRETARY: [pained gasp]
AGENT: [gasp]
GENERAL: Oh shit it's a baby.
AGENT: Ha! Heh. It's me as a baby. Heh.
[rock-a-bye-baby]
AGENT: ... it's me as a baby...
[creepy rock-a-bye-baby]
[beep] [beep]
GENERAL: Well, that's it. End of the sketch, everybody.
AGENT: Thank you so much! Thanks to the cast...
... to the crew! [cheering and jazz music]
AGENT: Best city in the world! [cheering and jazz music]
GENERAL: To Rocket Jump! [cheering and jazz music]
[cheering and jazz music]
FREDDIE: Thank you, everybody! We'll see you next week! [cheering and jazz music]
[cheering and jazz music]
[cheering and jazz fade out]
BOYFRIEND: Cool. [chuckles]
... that was really nice.
BOYFRIEND: Cheers.
["Bright" by Maxton Waller plays]