Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you the one perspective shift that you need to make if you're
looking to break through stonewalling.
So stick around until the end,
because there's one perspective shift.
Will Mooney meet a difference for a lot of you as he has for a lot of my
students and myself as well.
[Inaudible].
And in case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men in longterm relationships and in marriages
with the right skills,
with the right mindsets,
to be able to design a thriving relationship.
So if you want more content that can empower you with the right skills and
knowledge,
then you want us to have crafted a channel and click the bell button as well,
to be notified when I post new videos three times every single week.
Now,
real quick,
before we begin this video,
I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for my free master class
on the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
So if you want in on that masterclass,
be sure to stick around until the end of this video for the announcement on how
you can get in on that masterclass.
So the first thing before we get to the meat of this video is I want you to get
you familiar with the core reasons behind stonewalling before we move on.
And for those of you that have been following me for a while,
this might sound repetitive,
but trust me,
just to set the right stage two,
what I'm going to talk about later on in the video.
So please don't skip this one.
And we mentioned here,
for example,
that,
you know,
people often make the correlation does not equal causation error that,
you know,
while there are a lot of videos out there that talks about narcissism and
stonewalling and puts the two together,
you know,
those two are just correlations and not really causation issues.
And we also talked about the fact that,
you know,
most often stonewalling is not really a character issue,
but more of a defense mechanism,
more of her self preservation problem from your partner.
And finally,
we also talked about how assigning it to a self preservation problem rather than
a character problem.
Like this it's much more healthy and much more productive because one it's
really a self preservation problem,
not a narcissism problem.
And also when you assign it to a self preservation problem,
it gives you more actions to take and actions that are within your control,
where have you assign it to a character problem that doesn't inspire you to take
any action and whatever actions you take will come out of a defensive mode as
well,
because you perceive yourself to be this victim,
this victim of abuse,
this victim of your partner's character problem.
And I know that this is also a very sensitive topic and a very controversial
topic.
So I really don't want you to misunderstand me and any part of what I'm saying
here.
So at the end of this video,
I'm going to post a link to the other video,
where I talked about the reasons why you should shift your perspective to seeing
this as a self preservation problem,
rather than a character problem.
And the second thing I want to stress is the four reasons to alternative reasons
for why people Stonewall.
So for example,
we have the lack of trust here,
which is that,
you know,
your partner has really stopped trusting that,
expressing anything to you or saying anything to you can mean a difference.
And over time,
your partner has really understood that he knew what,
what's the point of expressing something to my partner when he will says he
listens,
but nothing changes.
The other reason here is the lack of safety,
which is that your partner has tried to express something to you multiple times
about her true feelings and so on.
But every time she does,
she's punished with her judgment with you being quick,
to get to the solution,
to be you being quick,
to try to justify herself and tell her basically how she feels and how she
thinks is really not correct.
And the third reason here is the lack of ability.
This is where the problem has gotten so complex and the relationship that they
know.
It's not just one thing anymore.
It's a multilayer things and just like anything in life.
And you felt this yourself where,
when things become so complicated,
someone asks you what's the problem you often say,
I don't know.
I don't really want to talk about it because just thinking about it overwhelms
you.
The final reason here is the lack of space where,
you know,
as you're trying to push for some answers and push for your partner to open up
here,
you might accidentally pressure and corner her even more.
And basically her shutting down here is her telling you,
Hey,
back off,
I don't really want to talk about it right now.
So would the stage set there,
then let's go to the meat of this video,
which is that let's first address how people deal with stonewalling.
Usually in my experience,
there are four key ways that people deal with stonewalling.
And this is a common pattern in my,
all my students.
The first one is they tend to walk away and the tend to Stonewall themselves.
So let's say,
they're trying to have this conversation.
Their partner shuts down.
It starts to Stonewall them and says,
I don't know,
I don't want to talk about it.
They would walk away and go,
Oh,
whatever.
You know what?
You're always like this,
whatever.
And they start to Stonewall their partners themselves.
Number two is they try to lecture their partner into convincing and logically
convincing them that,
Hey,
here's why you're stonewalling is not good.
Here's why you shouldn't Stonewall.
Here's why when you Stonewall,
we really can't get to the root of the issue.
We can't really be a good relationship.
You know,
you've got to communicate well,
if you're going to be in a good relationship,
all these logical reasons why basically they shouldn't Stonewall and they should
express themselves.
They're trying to lecture their partner to convince them,
Hey,
you need to express yourself.
Now,
if not things aren't going to work out.
And then a third way is they might not walk away in Stonewall,
but they might play out the active form of a resistance here,
which is that they might respond by lashing back out of their partner and trying
to basically shift the blame to their partner and basically attack their
partner's character as well.
So they might blame their partner for being narcissistic.
For example,
they might blame their partner as trying to abuse them.
For example,
they might blame their partner for trying to control or manipulate the
conversation and just being difficult in general.
The last thing people do is they try to pressure their partner into expressing
something.
So let's say that you were sitting on the couch with your partner and you know,
the way you pressure here can be in a very deceptively gentle way where you're
sitting on a couch with your partner,
for example,
and you ask,
Hey honey,
what's wrong?
And your partner says,
I don't really know what's wrong.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't really want to talk about it and you go,
no,
no.
You can tell me.
You can tell me and you keep pushing and pushing and pushing for her to open up.
Now,
if you look at these four actions here,
what you're really trying to do is you're trying to hunt for an outcome.
You're hunting for that outcome because you're trying to break through that
stonewalling today.
But here's where the hunting paradox comes in,
especially when it comes to stonewalling,
is that the more you try to hunt for your partner to express themselves and to
break through stonewalling,
the more you actually perpetuate the problem of stonewalling in the first place.
And this paradox happens every single time you approach a conversation with the
intention to hunt for that outcome.
So why does the hunting paradox exists?
So let's give a few examples here in going back to the example that we had of
the four core reasons why people Stonewall,
which is the lack of trust,
lack of safety,
lack of ability and lack of space.
So ask yourself this question,
how can your partner trust you and trust that things will change if she
expresses something to you,
if you can't show her that you're willing to listen to her and have the patience
and just approach listening to her in a different way that you need to
approaching for a long time.
Like if you have this pattern of walking away and stonewalling your partner
back,
if you have this pattern of lecturing,
your partner,
for example,
and justifying yourself,
and you're not willing to show her any changes in the way you process or the way
you approach a conversation,
then what makes her think that,
you know,
this conversation is going to be different than any other conversations you have
in the past.
The truth is that she needs to feel the changes in the process of how you deal
with conversations.
And that often means that you're shifting your perspective and your,
your intention behind the conversation away from hunting.
And there's something healthier than that.
And something more productive than that.
And how can your partner feel safe,
expressing something to you?
If the reason why she feels unsafe to express that thing to you in the first
place is because she feels pressure.
She feels like she's being controlled and that you are being too imposing on
your ideas and your perspectives and so on.
And you're trying to open her up now by being imposing and be controlling
herself by lecturing her,
by pressuring her by,
by walking away and having a power,
basically doing all these ways to control her into expressing ourselves now and
going to this lack of ability issue.
How can she share something with you?
Because she's feeling overwhelmed and you're trying to make,
you know,
get her to express herself by overwhelming her even more by misinterpreting the
reasons why she's stonewalling,
for example,
by accusing her character,
by walking away yourself in a Huff and puff by trying to lecture her and trying
to add more layers to this already a complex problems and addressing this lack
of space issue.
How can your partner want to share something with you?
If the reason they Stonewall for example,
is that they feel pressured.
They feel cornered,
and you're trying to get them to open up by pressuring them and quartering them
into opening up.
It doesn't make sense.
You see this paradox here is that by trying to hunt for her to open
up and stop stonewalling you,
you're going to inadvertently make a lot of these signs worse.
And you know,
a lot of you may be misinterpreting this again and saying,
am I saying that we should go the other extreme and simply just not care and not
try at all?
Not at all right.
The other extreme is really bad,
too.
What you want in life is always a nice balance between the two extremes.
And that is that nice balance in this case is farming.
So you're trying to farm here.
You're not trying to hunt for anything.
And so the difference between hunting and farming look at these two charts here
is that hunting.
You know,
when you were trying to hunt for something,
he was trying to get this short term spike,
but notice that the short term spike is not really sustainable.
And the thing about hunting is that you have to keep hunting over time to get
the results that you want,
but people who are successful and couple sorts successful,
especially my students who are successful are the ones who understand how to
farm for the results that they want.
So farming is a very different than,
than hunting in that in the short term,
you're not going to be seeing any yields,
but over time,
as things grow,
you reach this harvest period.
And when you reached this peak,
while the peak may take longer to happen,
you know,
your gains and your,
the outcome that you're looking for will not only be greater,
but also there'll be a lot more consistent as well.
So in the context of dealing with stonewalling,
what does it mean to farm?
Well,
the first thing it means is that you're trying to change your definition of what
a successful conversation looks like.
So for a lot of people,
you know,
most people's definition of success is when their partner opens up and they can
talk about the issue and they can resolve the issue.
That's most people's definition of success.
And that definition of success is bred out of trying to hunt if you notice,
but what's your definition of success should be that a farming,
it should be bred out of farming.
So for example,
if you were able to show the process of building trust and safety,
for example,
by simply listening to your partner,
understanding your partner's point of view,
acknowledging your partner's point of view.
So if she says that you're controlling,
if she says that she doesn't even love you anymore,
just acknowledge and understand what she's actually trying to say there.
And even if you're not giving any solutions,
if you need,
you don't even come close to any solutions,
including the solution could be your partner expressing themselves or herself,
right.
As long as you point out the right seeds here you are,
do you mean that as a very successful conversation?
You know,
if you end your conversation by saying,
for example,
okay,
it seems like you really don't feel the same way about me or the relationship
anymore,
right?
And the reason why you don't feel the same way is because of XYZ.
I understand.
And you stop.
There are no solutions,
no win-win solutions,
nothing like that.
That's a win in my book because that's,
when you have really acknowledged,
you really understood her point of view.
And you've really planted the right seeds of safety and trust as you keep doing
this,
or it could end with you saying,
for example,
okay,
it seems like you're not ready to talk right now.
I just want you to know that,
you know,
my door's always open and you know,
I want to be the person who can listen to you.
If you can feel like you can talk to me about anything that you really want to
talk about.
Even if you walk away from the conversation saying that particular line,
that's a win in my book,
because again,
you're not hunting for that result.
You're simply farming over time.
You're paying the right seeds.
And before you know it over time,
all those seeds will germinate and grow into something better in the form of
trust and safety.
And understand that when you're trying to build this trust and safety over time,
when you're trying to farm this,
um,
these two aspects,
this is not a logical game.
It's a very emotional game,
meaning that you cannot just simply tell her that she can feel safe with you.
You cannot simply tell her that she can trust you,
right?
Because when you tell her something,
that's only to appeal to the logical side of her brain,
but it's never gonna appeal to the emotional side.
And so the question you might have is how do I appeal to the emotional side?
So I made a video on this before,
but to appeal to the emotional side,
you want to understand and how to change the process.
If you don't want to convince her of that product,
which is that you're a good listener that you can trust her,
that she can trust you,
that she can,
you know,
feel safe with you.
And so on,
you build that safety and trust at an emotional level,
by following the simple process of actually listening,
for example,
you know,
deep listening and discovery.
So can you listen and really get to the core of what she's actually trying to
tell you,
and will she feel misunderstood or will she feel wrong for feeling or
thinking the way she's thinking?
So if she tells you the really harsh stuff,
for example,
like,
I don't love you anymore.
Will you spend your time trying to justify and correct her and get her to change
your mind and tell her basically,
no,
you're wrong to feel that way.
If you tells you that you're controlling,
are you going to tell her that she's wrong to feel that way?
Or are you simply going to acknowledge it and understand it?
You know,
another technique you can try here is the repeat,
paraphrase,
or clarify,
which is when you're simply repeating back or paraphrasing back what she just
told you.
And then after you repeat her,
paraphrase asking her to clarify more about that.
So you might say for example,
okay.
It seems like what you're saying.
If I understand you correctly is that you're feeling X,
Y,
and Z.
Can you tell me more about that?
Can you tell me more about what you're feeling there?
Right.
Repeat it,
paraphrase and clarify.
And this helps you listen and discover in a much deeper level to your partner's
feelings and what she's actually thinking and gives you basically more puzzle
pieces to work on,
uh,
to form this complete picture of what's actually happening in your partner's
mind here and only does it help you listen,
but it helps your partner understand that you have listed because as you're
repeating or paraphrasing here,
you have a confirming to your partner.
Hey,
here's what I understand right now.
And it gives your partner an opportunity to correct you if needed to make sure
that,
you know,
if you misinterpreted something,
she feels free to be able to point that out to you.
And you can make sure for yourself that you can have the most accurate and the
most detailed understanding of what's actually in her mind.
And that's how you reduce misunderstandings through the course of a
conversation,
you can try,
for example,
a recapping conversation.
So you can simply say,
okay,
if I understand you correctly,
you're feeling XYZ because the ABC and you're feeling ABC because of Def
whatever it is.
So recap,
the string of conversations that you've had.
And just understand that by simply listening and discovering,
repeating a prayer phrasing and clarifying or recapping the conversation,
you are planting the right seeds of safety and trust to make you understand
this.
Let's,
let's reverse the roles a little bit here to say,
let's say,
you're trying to express something to your partner.
And let's say,
you're telling your partner,
Hey,
I don't like the fact that you you're,
you know,
you're always late to things.
If your partner will tell,
tells you right away,
okay,
fine.
I'll never be late to anything,
right.
That's one way she can respond.
The second way she can respond is by simply asking you questions about how much
being on time means to you,
for example,
to say,
okay,
it seems like,
you know,
when I was late,
it makes you feel a certain way.
Tell me more about that.
Tell me more about how being late or being on time means to you.
What does that mean to you in the second instance,
she's not actually telling you anything,
making you any statements,
but somehow it instills a great deal of trust in you because now,
you know,
she understands how important this is to me.
She understands how,
how crucial this is to me.
And just by you,
knowing that she understands,
built enough trust and safety in itself.
So again,
it's not the product that you need to convince her of here is the process that
you need to convince her of.
So I hope that distinction makes sense to you and just understand you that
building trust and safety,
you know,
on an emotional level,
not on a logical level here can never be an overnight process.
This needs to take time.
And it needs a lot of patience.
And just like farming,
you know,
the seeds that you plant today may not reap its rewards until another week,
another month,
another two months,
three months,
whatever it is,
but you have to stay patient and not feel the need to hunt for something,
because the more you hunt for something,
the worse you make the problem,
but simply plant the right seeds.
Each time you converse and solely.
What you'll find is that as the safety NSF trust continues to build that
resistance goes down and you can finally reap the rewards of breaking through
stonewalling and actually having a good conversation over time.
But as long as you're hunting,
you're never going to reach this point.
Now,
as you can imagine,
there are a lot of nuances to knowing how to break through your partner's
stonewalling issue.
And if you want to learn more about this,
then you want to join my free masterclass in the five proven steps to rebuilding
your relationship from the ground up.
And I'll show you in this masterclass,
the exact same process that I will show all my students to build that safety
insurance in order to lower their resistance and breakthrough stonewalling once
and for all.
And once you break through that stonewalling,
you built that trust.
You know,
I'm going to show you the pillars you can build next so that you are building
this untouchable relationship for the both of you.
And so if this masterclass sounds interesting to you,
then you want to click the button above my head,
also down in the comments below and description box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a free resource that can help you guide and lead
conversations better in a way that creates safety and trust over time,
every single time and conversations that never really escalate into arguments
or,
you know,
destroy safety in a very subconscious way.
For example,
then you also want to download my free guide on healing and opening your
partner's emotions.
And you can download that free guide by clicking the link up of my head,
or also down to the comments or description box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a community of people where you can get some support,
or just ask your questions about your relationship and what you're going
through,
and actually get good advice and good support from members of the community or
myself,
then you also want to check out my free Facebook group and the link to join
their Facebook group is also download this video as well.
In the meantime,
do leave a comment below.
And what did you find most insightful or most eyeopening in this video?
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
And if you found this video helpful,
then give it a like,
and subscribe to this channel for more content like this one in the meantime,
I'm going to give you just two other videos.
I'm stonewalling to coop with the right skills and mindsets,
to be able to understand how you can artfully and effectively deal with
stonewalling and your relationship.
In the meantime,
I will see you in the next video.