- So, today we're gonna talk about something
that I don't really talk about,
especially not on the internet,
which is my obsessive-compulsive disorder.
So first of all to dispel any misinformation,
I'm gonna give the quick lowdown of exactly what OCD is,
and then we're gonna talk about specifically my experiences,
because the title of this video, not click bait.
So obsessions are intrusive thoughts,
which can be highly distressing or anxiety-inducing.
Intrusive thoughts ae basically thoughts
that you don't consciously think.
They just pop into your head,
like if you read a sign saying,
don't think about pink elephant,
and a pink elephant will come into your head.
But often there's not a sign there.
There's no trigger; it just happens.
So in the stereotypical idea of OCD of washing hands,
the intrusive thoughts might be about germs or contamination
or illness or something like that.
But these thoughts can vary wildly,
so you can also have extremely violent thoughts.
You can have thoughts of harming yourself or others.
You can have images that come into your head.
So, very distressing or graphic images,
sexual, violent, that come into your head
and play over and over again.
And the distress is heightened
by the very fact that these are things
that you would not consciously think of.
So, you'll have parents with OCD whose intrusive thoughts
are about harming their children,
even though they would never
actually want to harm their children
or be thinking about harming their children.
The fact that this is playing over and over in their had
is what's causing that distress and anxiety.
So how do you cope with all of these things
that are now in your head?
Well, that's where the compulsions come in.
So, compulsions are the things that you do
which can stop the thoughts happening or decrease them,
at least for a temporary while.
Rituals or things that you do can be physical,
or they can be in your head.
So, an obsessive thought might be
that your kitchen is contaminated.
Your hands are covered in germs,
and you're going to get seriously ill because of it,
and the compulsion may come out as compulsive hand washing.
People who have that kind of OCD can end up
with sores and cracks in their hands from overwashing,
from bleaching their hands, and it's not just the action.
Every time they're doing that,
it's because they're having these
horrendous thoughts that's causing them
a lot of physical stress and anxiety internally.
People with complex mental compulsions, as they're called,
which is compulsions happen inside your head
and the way that you think,
and that's called Pure-O OCD,
which was what I was originally diagnosed with.
So, let's talk about my experiences.
So I was diagnosed when I was 17,
and this was something that I had been struggling with
for a long time into my childhood.
One of my earliest memories
is of having an intrusive thought,
and I actually skipped school to go get diagnosed
just 'cause I didn't want anyone to find out about it.
And that's something that I really
wanna stress is the fact that OCD,
if you think about the idea
that you're having these intrusive thoughts,
which are exactly things that you think are repulsive,
that you think are horrendous,
that you don't want anything to do with
but you can't stop thinking them,
and with the stigma around mental health in general,
I feel like you can see how this is something
that you wouldn't want to tell people about.
So as I got older, my intrusive thoughts changed,
but my compulsions had always been the same.
It was always in threes,
so everything I did had to be in threes.
I had to walk in threes.
I had to count in threes.
I had to click in threes.
Everything was about the number three, and if I did that,
then that was something that would alleviate the thoughts.
I'd have trips up to see my grandma.
She lived in Yorkshire,
and it would be hours and hours of a drive,
and I would spend the entire time counting the lampposts
in threes to try and stop these distressing thoughts.
I knew that the thought of something bad happening,
I knew logically that it wasn't gonna happen,
but the feeling of dread was so there,
and that was the only way that I could feel to combat it.
The intrusive thoughts that I have are about people.
It's kind of like two steps.
So I have these intrusive thoughts about people,
which are things that I would never normally think.
So they are things that are sexist or racist or homophobic,
and these are things that I don't believe
and don't actually think,
but they're just thoughts that come into my head.
But then the second step of that
is that the immediate next thought is
they can hear what you just thought.
And so my compulsion then becomes,
which is why it's the Pure-O mental compulsions,
is that my compulsions become
having to keep up this mantra
of I'm so sorry, it's my OCD, I don't really think this,
I'm so sorry, it's my OCD, I don't really think this,
to that person even though I know
logically they can't hear me.
There's this intrusive thought
is that people can hear what you're thinking.
People can read your mind,
and the compulsion calms me down
because of this weird internal logic
where I know that I don't think it.
So I'm like, well, if this person can read my mind,
they can hear that I'm saying this,
and if they dig deeper into my mind
and go to my conscious and my subconscious,
they'll be able to see very easily
that I don't actually think this about them
and that it is the OCD.
And that's the only thing that will calm me down.
It's frustrating when people say things
very casually about mental illnesses.
Like, oh, I'm so OCD.
I always have to tidy my desk before I leave it.
It's something I would hope that people wouldn't do
if they actually knew what this stuff was.
Hopefully this video can be the start
of a conversation about OCD,
which can be a little bit destigmatizing.
It's a thing that a lot of people have.
It's a thing that people have various
different intrusive thoughts for
and various different compulsions,
and it comes out in lots of different ways,
and I feel like talking about it
can only really be a good thing.
If you would like to help support
me make more videos like this,
then you can donate to my Patreon.
The link is in the description
along with links to all my social media
so you can find me all over the internet.
And until I see you next time, bye.