- You know, I think it's time for me to look for a new job.
I've been at my current job way too long.
I am bored AF.
Dude, you've only been there for three months.
I've been there that long?
I'm not really qualified for most of the jobs I apply for.
I'm just good at acting as though I'm qualified.
If my resume were honest,
I'd list bull(beep)ing as my top skill.
This entry-level job says you need
to have five to six years of experience in the industry
or they're not gonna hire you.
It's like, what?
This is like the girls who won't date me
because I haven't had a girlfriend before.
Like, ladies!
One of you is gonna have to step up
and take a chance on your boy.
I would just like to find a job
where I can leave work at work,
'cause with my current job,
man, it's like I get home and I'm worrying about,
did the customers get what they needed?
Did I carry out my duties correctly?
Did I remember to say "my pleasure"?
Who knew Chick-fil-A was such a tough gig?
I just need a job so I can pay the bills
while I do what I'm passionate about on the side.
And what I'm passionate about is spending money.
So you can see my problem here.
It's important to engage in self-care during the job hunt
because you're gonna face a lot of dead ends and rejection.
Unfortunately, I'm gonna need to buy all new work clothes,
because my self-care routine consists
of eating whole sleeves of Girl Scout cookies.
Yeah.
It's a big waste of time to apply for jobs online.
The only way to get a job is to know somebody
who can get you a job.
And I don't know anybody,
so it looks like I'm staying unemployed.
You need to make a human connection
with your job application, okay?
So figure out who's the hiring manager at that company,
and then address your cover letter specifically to them.
Do a little research.
Figure out, what are their hobbies?
Where do they live?
What are their children's names?
Casually mention all that during the job interview.
These job listings are terribly written.
Unclear syntax.
Improper punctuation.
You know whatcha never see on here?
Job listings for people who write job listings.
I smell a conspiracy.
All these jobs say you need to be able to work
in a fast-paced environment.
But where are all the jobs that say you need to work
in a slow-paced environment?
Oh, that's right.
To find those, I'd need to search for government jobs.
I developed my own software to find high-paying jobs,
then send off resumes using keywords from the postings.
Today, I've got an interview
to be the provost at a major university.
What does a provost even do?
No clue.
But I'm sure I can develop software to do the job for me.
At my last job, I filed paperwork into a filing cabinet,
so on my resume, I put,
"I oversaw organization of essential data
for ease of access and speedy retrieval."
Hopefully that will confuse someone enough
to think I did something important.
I'm looking to make a career shift.
I think you'll find there are many transferrable skills
from my previous job as a zookeeper
to this position as an FBI agent.
Time to brush up my resume,
or in other words,
time to take the very little
that I've accomplished during my professional career
and make it seem as though I should've won the Nobel Prize,
all the while falling further and further into despair
as I realize how pathetic I appear on paper.
Hooray!
Hello there, Mr. Musk?
Mind if I call you Elon?
I wanna be your next Tesla salesman,
and I was just calling to make the connection,
let you know I'm here and I am ready to work for you.
(phone warbling)
How did I get your number?
Um,
LinkedIn Premium.
That's probably where I saw it.
Oh, hey, they emailed me!
"Dear sir, thank you for applying for the open position.
However, (forlorn music)
we have decided to go with another candidate."
It's okay.
You can't take it personally.
I mean, never mind that our society equates your job
and how much money you make with your inherent value.
You just can't let it get to you.
It's not a reflection of me
as a human being.
Not at all.
♪ You've heard this before ♪
Yo, check out these cool designs
you could be wearing on your own body.
Tap the icon on the screen
or go to the link in the description.
You could be drinkin' outta cups
and reppin' your favorite YouTube channel,
which is this one!
(upbeat music)
'Til next time, stay cool and attractive.