WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
THE BAT, I JUST WANT TO THANK THE NEWS CYCLE.
BECAUSE IT'S A RARE TREAT FOR A LATE-NIGHT COMEDIAN WHEN THE
SUBJECT OF YOUR COMEDY IS LEGISLATION RESTRICTING
ABORTION.
IT'S JUST A FUNNY WORD, LIKE GUACAMOLE.
LAUGH BUT THAT'S THE BIG STORY, SO HERE WE GO.
YESTERDAY, ALABAMA LAWMAKERS PASSED A BILL BANNING NEARLY ALL
ABORTIONS.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) THAT IS EITHER AN OVERREACH BY
THE ALABAMA G.O.P. OR SOME PRETTY INTENSE VIRAL MARKETING
FOR THE NEW SEASON OF "HANDMAID'S TALE.
IF A TV SHOW HAS TO BECOME REALITY, WHY CAN'T IT BE "STAR
TREK" SO THEY CAN BEAM ME OFF OF THIS PLANET.
( APPLAUSE )
WHO PERFORM, LET'S SAY, "GUACAMOLES," WOULD FACE FELONY
JAIL TIME UP TO 99 YEARS, IF CONVICTED.
YEP.
THEY'RE GOING TO THROW THEM RIGHT IN THE ALABAMA SLAMMER FOR
99 YEARS.
LET'S SEE, IT'S 2019, SO BY THE TIME THOSE DOCTORS GET OUT
OF JAIL, IN ALABAMA, IT WILL BE 1895.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE BILL ALSO--INE 61?
I'M NOT SURE.
THE BILL ALSO MAKES NO EXCEPTIONS FOR VICTIMS OF RAPE
AND INCEST, BECAUSE THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS LAW IS TO
ESTABLISH THAT A FETUS IS A PERSON WITH RIGHTS.
NOW, THAT IS A BOLD INTERPRETATION OF HUMAN
DEVELOPMENT.
BUT, ON THE PLUS SIDE, APPARENTLY, PREGNANT WOMEN GET
TO VOTE TWICE NOW.
( APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT IS THE MOST-- IT IS-- I THINK IT'S FAIR TO SAY THAT THIS IS
THE MOST RESTRICTIVE LAW OF ITS KIND IN AMERICA.
WHICH IS WHY IT BARELY SQUEAKED BY IN THE ALABAMA SENATE, WITH
25-6, WITH ALL 25 VOTES CAST IN FAVOR COMING FROM REPUBLICAN
MEN.
THOUGH IT MAY BE THE LAST TIME THOSE REPUBLICAN MEN WILL BE
COMING FOR A WHILE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A BETTER JOKE.
ALABAMA IS JUST THE LATEST OF THESE RESTRICTIVE LAWS.
THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE RIGHT NOW.
THEY'RE FOLLOWING MISSISSIPPI, OHIO, AND GEORGIA, WHERE, EVEN
IF A GEORGIA RESIDENT PLANS TO TRAVEL ELSEWHERE TO OBTAIN AN
ABORTION, WHEN SHE COMES BACK, SHE COULD FACE 10 YEARS'
IMPRISONMENT.
NOW WE KNOW-- NOW WE KNOW WHY SHE WAS TAKING A MIDNIGHT TRAIN
TO GEORGIA.
SHE WAS SNEAKING PAST THE COPS.
NOW, HOWEVER YOU FEEL ABOUT ABORTION-- AND IT'S A VERY
DIVISIVE ISSUE.
REASONABLE PEOPLE CAN HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS.
AND THE PEOPLE OF ALABAMA VOTED FOR THESE LEGISLATORS-- BUT EVEN
THE LEGISLATORS ADMIT THIS LAW IS NOT DRAFTED SINCERELY.
IT'S A PURPOSEFUL AND CYNICAL OVER-REACH BECAUSE THEY JUST
WANT TO USE IT TO GET TO THE SUPREME COURT AND OVERTURN
"ROE V. WADE."
OF COURSE, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO THAT FOR DECADES.
WHAT'S DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS SUPREME COURT?
>> ANTHONY KENNEDY, WHO WAS A VOTE FOR "ROE V. WADE," HAS BEEN
REPLACED BY BRETT KAVANAUGH, WHO WILL VOTE TO OVERTURN IT.
>> Stephen: SO, THIS ALABAMA CASE COULD OVERTURN "ROE V.
WADE," AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T ARRIVE AT THE SUPREME COURT
DURING BEACH WEEK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OBVIOUSLY, THEN-- OBVIOUSLY, WHEN KAVANAUGH WILL REFUSE
HIMSELF, WHICH IS THE LEGAL TERM FOR BOOFING.
"DUDE!
DUDE, YOU WERE A MONSTER!
DUDE, YOU WERE A MONSTERT PARTY LAST NIGHT.
YOU RECUSED YOURSELF!
I WOULD HAVE HELPED."
THE BILL'S PROPONENTS ARE VERY CONFIDENT ABOUT ITS CHANCES IN
THE COURT, ESPECIALLY ALABAMA PRO-LIFE COALITION PRESIDENT AND
COLONEL SANDERS AFTER HE GOT HIS STOMACH STAPLED, ERIC JOHNSTON.
>> Stephen: SO HE'S PRO-LIFE, UNLESS IT'S RUTH BADER GINSBURG.
QUICK, JUSTICE GINSBERG, GET PREGNANT!
IT'S YOUR ONLY CHANCE!
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BILL HAS TROUBLED MANY, EVEN THOSE WHO VOTED FOR IT,
BUT THAT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM, ACCORDING TO THE BILL'S SPONSOR,
REPUBLICAN STATE SENATOR AND UNDERTAKER'S FIRST PASS AT
GIVING YOUR LOVED ONE A SMILE, CLYDE CHAMBLISS.
CHAMBLISS EXPLAINED THAT THE BILL DOESN'T ACTUALLY OUTLAW
ABORTION, SAYING IT ONLY AFFECTS WOMEN WHO ARE "KNOWN TO
BE PREGNANT" AND WOULD PROVIDE "EVERY FEMALE THAT'S PREGNANT OR
THINKS THEY'RE PREGNANT, AND THE MALE WHO WAS INVOLVED, IT GIVES
THEM THAT WINDOW OF TIME.
THIS BILL DOES NOT CHANGE THAT WINDOW OF TIME."
SO, IF YOU FIND OUT YOU'RE PREGNANT, THE LAW GIVES YOU ALL
THE TIME BEFORE YOU KNEW THAT TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO HAVE
DONE.
THAT IS A GREAT OUT FOR ANY WOMAN WHOSE OB/GYN IS DOC BROWN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CHAMBLISS HAS NO IDEA HOW BODIES WORK, WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR HIM
EXPLAIN HOW A WOMAN FINDS OUT IF SHE'S PREGNANT.
"SHE HAS TO TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST.
SHE HAS TO DO SOMETHING TO KNOW WHETHER SHE'S PREGNANT OR NOT.
YOU CAN'T KNOW THAT IMMEDIATELY.
IT TAKES SOME TIME FOR ALL THOSE CHROMOSOMES, AND ALL THAT."
YES, WELL SAID.
WHO AMONG US DOESN'T REMEMBER SITTING IN HEALTH CLASS AND
LEARNING ABOUT "THE BIRDS, AND ALL THOSE CHROMOSOMES, AND ALL
THAT."
I'M STARTING TO SUSPECT ALABAMA, SEX ED IS JUST TAUGHT
BY SOME GUY NAMED ED.
SO FAR, ONE DEMOCRATIC WOMEN TRIED TO FIGHT BACK.
STATE SENATOR VIVIAN FIGURES INTRODUCED AN AMENDMENT "TO MAKE
VASECTOMIES A FELONY, NOTING THAT THERE ARE NO LAWS
REGULATING WHAT A MAN CAN DO WITH HIS BODY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, SNAP.
( LAUGHTER )