You mentioned me only once and--
[LAUGHTER]
So I don't understand--
I wasn't counting.
Yeah.
But I mentioned you, Ellen.
Once, once.
And you say in here, you won the pushup contest.
So I can sue for libel.
[LAUGHTER]
Now you put it in writing, you know.
We have the clips of me defeating you.
Yeah, I know.
Look how high up she is.
Look how low down I went.
Look how long my arms are.
Yeah, doesn't matter.
All right.
All right, I want to read something,
because you really do-- you talk about--
Are you going to read the right text?
Yes.
OK.
Yeah, this is not--
You're not going to make something up
that's not in the book?
No, this is in the book.
OK, I'll let you know.
Because this is about your first kiss.
You talk about your first kiss.
Oh, OK, with who?
[LAUGHTER]
Well, you tell me.
All right.
[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]
I arranged my first kiss, in fact, over the phone.
It was with a boy named Ronnell.
Ronald?
Ronnell.
That's a black Ronald.
All right.
[LAUGHTER]
Ronnell.
Say it like that.
Say, Ronnell.
Ronnell.
I don't remember which one of us proposed
that we meet outside my house one afternoon
to give kissing a try.
But there was no nuance to it, no shy euphemisms
needed to be applied.
We weren't going to hang out or take a walk.
We were going to make out.
[LAUGHTER]
And we were both all for it.
How old were you there?
Eighth grade.
Duh-nuh.
[LAUGHTER]
Now, do you know where he is now?
I'm sure someone will find him now.
Ronnell.
No, we don't know where he is.
Ronnell.
I mean--
I tried not to use last names, so people wouldn't be harassed
for the rest of their lives.
I told this story very early on about my very, very first kiss,
which was Teddy in nursery school.
And the press hunted that poor guy down.
And I vowed never to mention anybody else's last name.
Well, because you talk-- you've been with a lot of men.
There's a lot of--
[LAUGHTER]
That is not true.
Oh, yeah, there's--
[LAUGHTER]
That's not in the book.
I mean, yeah, you read it.
A lot of men so--
[LAUGHTER]
So in the book, you talk about Malia going to prom.
Oh, yeah.
Which is-- I just can't even imagine.
Let's set the stage.
Yeah, go ahead.
You know, their whole lives were spent
trying to have a normal life, go to soccer matches and birthday
parties and sleepovers and have kids come over,
with a security detail.
So then prom comes.
And Malia asked, can I please ride with my date in his car,
because, at that point, they had never
driven in another person's car for security reasons.
Kids could ride in their car, but they couldn't accept a ride
from someone else.
So everything in their lives is now a discussion.
We have to pull in security.
We have to talk to the Chief of Staff,
talk to the Communications Director.
And we decide-- my thing was she's
got to ride in the car with her prom date, you know.
I mean, come on people.
So she gets to ride.
So he comes to pick her up.
[LAUGHTER]
Poor kid.
And he's got to come through the official driveway
that dignitaries come when state visits happen, around the South
Lawn, that long driveway up to the front door of our home,
which is like the dip room.
We're coming down the elevator, because, you know,
we're in the elevator, me and Barack and Malia.
And she's like, just be cool, you know.
[LAUGHTER]
It's like, please, don't embarrass me.
She looked beautiful.
I mean, oh, she just was a vision, is a vision.
And Barack's trying not to cry.
And he's trying to act cool.
And we greet the young man in a nice tux.
And, you know, god knows what happened
to him getting in, because I tried to make security know
he's coming, don't hassle him.
I told Malia, make sure his car is clean,
if you know what I mean, because dogs sniff the car.
I said, I don't want him to be embarrassed.
[LAUGHTER]
So I said, I don't know the kid.
But, you know, he's picking up at a different house.
[LAUGHTER]
I had met him, but I didn't know-him know him.
So he comes in.
And you can tell he's a little nervous.
And we shake his hand, take a picture.
And they get in the car.
And they go off.
And then like, three cars follow.
[LAUGHTER]
It's like them and then three cars with men with guns.
And Barack was like, this makes running for a second term all
worthwhile.
My daughter is being followed by men with guns to prom.
He's like, I'm good.
[LAUGHTER]