here's a question I get asked frequently how do I help my husband he's so
depressed I am always the positive one and he is such a drag now here's the
crazy thing this wife might actually be inviting that negativity with her over
positivity one really fascinating aspect of relationships is how we sometimes
create a dynamic that fuels the opposite of what we're trying to create so an
easy example of this is a girl who so badly wants attention from her crush
that she's overbearing she tries so hard to get close by writing notes and
sitting with him and pushing for closeness that he reacts by pushing her
away she wanted closeness but her overbearing attempts ended up getting
the exact opposite reaction from him in our family systems this is called
homeostasis this means the inherent nature of
systems is that they like to remain balanced or stable they resist change
and after something changes they try to revert back to the old status quickly if
that fails they seek a new balance so imagine oil and water in a bottle when
things are still they're separated and when you shake them up they blend
together briefly so this is like someone who learned some new skills or
techniques to manage their stress or depression but oil and water want to be
separate so they revert back to their old Balance oil on top water on bottom
in a family when someone tries to change their behaviors there's gonna be some
resistance so for example someone who has traditionally been a people pleaser
and they've always just kind of got along with everything if they go to
therapy and they start learning to express their wants or to speak up for
themselves people in the family are going to resist them by acting like
they're being very rude or wondering what's happened or confronting them and
pushing back on their attempts to assert themselves so the family seeks that old
balance that old status quo that they were used to even if it's unhealthy in
order to create a lasting change with oil and water you've got to add a
homogenizer something that helps things retain a new balance so if you add a
homogenizer like dish soap then the oil and water when shaken up create a new
balance they are now blended together and they'll stay that way and so the
change process in families often requires a homogenizer it requires
something that helps the new balance stay working and sometimes that's just
time so sticking with those new behaviors for a length of time and
sometimes that's helping other people meet the function and the needs of those
old behaviors in a new way and you know family therapy is intended to help shift
that balance in the family shift that that status quo to something new and
more functional so what does this mean people inherently resist change and they
inherently seek balance so some familiar examples are sometimes people seek
balance by recreating the environment they grew up in because that's what
feels natural and normal for them I mean how many people have you heard say I'm
turning into my mom let me give another example of polarization in my family
when one person is getting all stressed out and planning some big event the
others take a chill like I'll go with it type approach if everyone got hyped up
then there would be even more stress and tension so to balance things out one
person chills now this isn't a conscious choice it's an intuitive reaction when
taken to the extreme this could lead to one person assuming the passive role to
make up for the other person assuming to do it all role and the problem with this
isn't that each person is working to keep things balanced but rather the
problem is that when these roles become rigid and repetitive and inflexible then
one person almost always has to take the role of the chill person and the other
person always has to take the role of the do it all the most classic example
of this is polarizing so if one spouse is being really negative then the other
takes the role of being super positive the more negative the one the more
positive the other they're trying to balance each other out
but the gap between them just grows this becomes especially problematic if
each person progressively becomes further and further from the center this
can create an escalating cycle that's hard to step out of sometimes we're
positive just to be oppositional just to oppose our family member I've even been
in relationships where we basically took turns being sad or overwhelmed because
it was a way to connect so if we want to break out of these negative cycles and
improve our roles we have to be really intentional and flexible family
therapists are specialists at identifying roles and helping people
create systemic change a new normal environment in your home one of the
things they might recommend is this if you catch yourself in a cycle of
polarization so one person being really positive and the other person being
really negative you try to put yourself side-by-side with them instead of
opposing them that usually means going back to empathy so a statement like look
on the bright side usually evokes a polarizing response here's all the
reasons why my life sucks right empathic statements like woo sounds like you're
having a hard time right now can draw you together making statements like how
can we work together toward a solution can also build closeness instead of
polarization we aren't just trying to create like a balance in relationship
roles we're actually striving for closeness
because you can be really balanced but on complete opposite ends of this
teeter-totter so this requires us to be flexible empathic and intentional
drawing together also means not taking over for someone it means trusting them
to be able to handle things acknowledging their strengths and
capabilities and not using their weaknesses as your source of identity so
having this image of yourself like I'm the positive one on the relationship or
I'm the hard worker in the in the marriage that fosters that rigidity and
invites an environment where the other person underperforms which is
subconsciously supporting your identity needing things to be done in the right
way can also lead to a feeling of why am I the only one who ever does things are
here right what this all comes down to is understanding how your half of the
cycle is inviting the other person's behaviors so if you're feeling stuck
being the positive one or the only one who gets anything done around here then
checking yourself and what you're inviting may be more effective at
creating change than trying to get the other person to change so if your
problem is polarization with positivity I'm not saying that you should start to
be more negative you can stay positive while trying to close the gap between
you and them by showing empathy focus on understanding perhaps the problem is not
the thing they're talking about but they're complaining just to feel
important to you or they want to feel validated they're seeking connection
they want to matter to you or feel understood emotions are stored in our
mammalian brain that means that many of them are really about connection so look
for what's underneath that content if your problem is over work under work
allow them to have responsibilities and allow them to fail occasionally and to
have those natural consequences apply these are the outcomes that come
naturally check yourself for enabling behaviors look out for rescuing behaviors
these attempts to help too much are usually more about you and your need to
fix someone instead of about actually helping others if you can identify your
contribution to the cycle then you can take practical action to create change
as usual I recommend working with a therapist to help you identify specific
ways that you can change another helpful resource is the book the anatomy of
peace it can help you identify these self-justifying images that you're
taking on yourself and see the harm that they're causing and replace them with a
more flexible and you know heart based approach to your role in this system
to announce my upcoming course called how to help power the tools to help when
someone you love struggles with mental health I'll be including some videos
here but the full course is on udemy.com and is going to include over 40
instructional videos outlining specific ways to help someone with depression
anxiety or other mental health concerns