Nerd: Shitty games, shitty games, shitty games..!
Why do I waste all my time and money on these?!
But the sick thing is, I'm such a masochist, I need more shitty games,
but even the shitty ones are expensive!
I don't think I've any extra cash. How am I gonna afford--
Oh... the contest!
Treasure Master! This game has a contest!
Yeah, grand prizes are a Fantasy Rock Concert Sports Spectacular, whatever the hell that's about...
Fantasy Game Room... mm, basically have that...
$10,000 in cash!
Yeaaah... that's it.
All I gotta do is beat the game, beat the special prize world at the end,
call in the number, get the cash, and then all the shitty games are mine!
I've already commented on this 80`s spew canvas before,
with its cover art that combines everything gnarly, and awesome, and tubular, and mondo!
It's so raaaad! I mean look at this kid, you'll never know how fucking cool you're gonna be 'til you play this game.
You're never gonna get to wear this zebra-print shirt unless you play this zebra-print shit!
All right, let's do it, I got a contest to win.
Wow, one of the first things you even see is a disclaimer saying Nintendo had nothing to do with this contest.
Even Nintendo of America was like "Oh, no, fuck that, we're not taking any responsibility for this shit stew!"
That's not a good sign.
That music, it's...
not bad, actually.
Who wrote this track?
Oh, that's right, it's actually the same guy who did the Silver Surfer NES music.
So is this game gonna be ass too!?
Okay, before I cannonball into the deep end of the turd pool,
I'm gonna have to put in this secret code that unlocks the special prize world at the end of the game,
and you get that code because they announced it on MTV.
In other words, thanks, Google. I looked it up online.
But, man, this password's long as hell!
You already know how I feel about long-ass passwords,
but imagine how I feel when I have to enter this mile- long string of bullshit just to fully play the damn game.
Already this kid, Skooter, is bothering me.
I mean, who the hell walks like that? Is he Jazzercising?
Why does he punch the air with every step?
Kinda walks like Michael Jackson in Moonwalker, but a lot more aggressive.
Like he's really mad at that fuckin' air!
But come on, he's not Michael Jackson, he's a rad dude with orange shorts and a green cap.
Even Skooter is embarrassed by himself.
When he ducks down, look at him. It's like he has a secret.
What's the secret?
This game sucks!
Now, video game logic would dictate that Skooter would die if he fell into this pit,
so I should jump over it, right?
Wrong. You can actually plop your goofy, gnarly ass right down into the waters below.
And already you're battling killer sharks?!
What the hell? I just started the game, it's like,
"Oh no, you won't die from falling in the pit, but guess what? Time to get eaten by goddamn sharks in the first stage!"
At least they give me an oxygen meter, but too bad I'm not gonna have time to run out of oxygen
because the sharks will have already eaten my ass out through my lungs by then! Let's just stay above ground for now...
What? There's a sky section of the stage too? How am I supposed to see that coming?
This is so awkward. Even when I'm making seemingly normal jumps, I get stuck loading the upper screen!
Okay, here we go. The first enemy I might be able to deal with - a stupid caterpillar.
Bring it on, you multi-legged freak! What? I have no attacks?
The buttons, they do nothing! All I can do is jump around like I just popped off a skateboard. Now that's 80's!
Where's my raaaad skateboard power-up?
You might think maybe, there's a machine gun, or a shield, or a boomerang
you can get, but no, all you get are these sneakers,
which let you kick with the B button now. Great, and it's the shittiest kick I have ever seen in a video game.
DAMN!
Okay, so the kick is badass.
So the sneakers are actually radium plated boots, which, even if it is a weapon,
it's a really smart idea to be wearing radioactive fucking shoes!!
Seriously, is Skooter that fucking raaad that he doesn't care about
raaad-iation poisoning!?
Maybe it's actually a blessing in disguise.
I hope these boots provide me with a swift radiation death. Then I don't have to play anymore.
When you get into it, Treasure Master is nothing more than a giant collectathon. Get the radium boots,
then the time activated bomb, blow up the ground, get the magnet control box, lift the submarine out of the water,
Then another bomb, blow up the wall under water, then snag a bow and arrow,
but oh, look, we got a new weapon, right? Oh, it just fires a climbing rope.
Well, at least I'm at the end of the stage, where I get electrocuted!?
It's just the bonus stage entrance? And I have to get another bomb, ugh, so much backtracking!
Why can't I just pick up multiple bombs?
Then I use the bomb to break the blocks to get the scissors, cut the hanging weight, get the emergency oxygen so you can swim farther...
At least they were nice enough to give me super-obvious directional arrows.
I don't want to get lost on these one-way paths.
Grab the hard hat to protect Skooter's dumb fucking brains from deadly ceiling spikes, and watch as a red devil ball
launches you from a tiny seesaw into the sky, to eventually reach a spaceship, and finish...
...world 1.
The hell with this! I'm not gonna subject myself to another five worlds of this garbage.
I have the power! The power of the Game Genie.
All right, yeeeaaah, that prize is gonna be mine now! Infinite lives, infinite energy,
infinite oxygen, infinite invincibility, even if that's redundant. All right, Skooter, game on!!
No, no, NO!
Damn you, Treasure Master, your contest is foolproof!
Making me play the game without fucking cheating, you piece of shit. Back on track.
Skooter makes it to the moon, and
holy shit, the moon has gone fucking crazy; UFOs, and aliens, and rocket robots?
They all want you dead, but now we can get a ray gun, with some juice! Yeah, DIE, DIE! Yeah, get him, get him! Nnngh!
Fuck those robots, fuck 'em! Take that, you space shits! And what's this, a fucking moon buggy of death?
Oh, my God! Yeah, fuck those robots.
Wow, did I just enjoy myself - No, no, no, no, no, no... Don't get honey-dicked by the moon world! This isn't DuckTales!
It's got - unh - the contest is the only reason anybody should be playing this hippopotamus diarrhea!
In the machine world you'll be getting murdered by wing nuts,
collecting machine parts, and busting flying enemies to the ground. Then you grab a key and exit. Easy.
Once you warp into the forest world, things get...
...pretty psychedelic, man, with giant 'shrooms, and flowers, and freaky hatchin' red lizard things... whoa.
There are doors you can enter as you explore the forest, but don't forget to also...
Enter the mushrooms! Who would figure that out!?
It's the most abstract gameplay I've ever seen. You find this weird
construction potion, and are supposed to just know that you can use it to make bridges.
And how would you figure that out, either? The game says nothing about it.
Then you use an apple on a barrel to make it fall into the water!
Why would you need an apple to knock over a barrel!?
Then you knock a spring into lava, destroying it for no reason.
Gotcha again, Nerd! The spring is now outside the door you entered earlier!
Nothing makes sense! I've got to get out of this forest, I'm losing it.
In world 5, Skooter makes his way inside his very own Nintendo Entertainment System.
Whoa, wow! Skooter needs to clean the damn thing out. There's spiders and shit everywhere.
And, what? Why are there televisions inside his NES?
The one thing that's kind of cool is that you can use "mutation coins" to transform into a robot.
But of course the robot sucks. If you make it out of the NES, you can enter the final world, the Prize World.
Here it is, the whole reason we put in that password, if you still remember.
Clowns... why did it have to be clowns? And kamikaze clowns, no less! They do not want you to win that prize.
Luckily, one of the death clowns leaves behind a coin you can use to play the carnival game.
Sp- S-spo-spon-de-sacks? Spondolacks? Sp-
What the hell is that? Just call it a game coin!
So, use the spondoshits to play the game, and collect these glowing, fuzzy turd nuggets, to activate the rides.
Now you can get on the roller coaster and get out of this clown infested world! Gun down some more clowns,
Pick up another spondococks to play the turd nugget game again, to open the exit gate! I did it!
It's over!! The quest is complete!!
$10,000, $10,000 spondoshits!
I'm the Treasure Master! Fuck you, Skooter!
All right, just gotta call the number...
Here we go...
1-900-370-UWIN. Yeah, I win!
Yeah, I did it, I did--
Phone: The service you are attempting to use has been restricted or is unavailable. Nerd: W-w-wait, wait, wait...
Phone: Please contact Customer Care for assistance.
Nerd: Oh, no, no, no, no, no...
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!