When desire to punish someone creeps up in the heart, or the ego says, “How could I have been treated like this
and I have got to do something about it,” under those circumstances, we generally lose our compass
because of this anger. So, is there any other solution to erase these emotional scars?
If one really, really, wants to take a revenge, there is no better way than returning abuse with love. Think for a moment.
Abusive parents especially in the case of children, at a very young age, can create a pattern of hurt that
later on in life can lead to dire psychological consequences. How to deal with emotions that result from this
kind of deep abuse? Can we actually override that and be kind towards an abusive parent, with the same moral
obligations that we feel towards a caring, loving parent? Even towards loving parents, I think we have some
sort of reservations, for one reason or the other. Abused ones develop a mistrust towards majority, having failed with
parents who were trusted completely. Now there are so many ways in which abuse happens. Force feeding
a very young child is like overriding the little one’s inner compass. When a child does not want to eat and
when you force him to eat, is this not an abuse of some sort? There are times when parents give the children
the silent treatment. They ignore the child to show that they are not living upto their expected behavior from parents.
This is very immature. This is even worse than physical harm. Another card that parents sometimes use and
which leaves a deep scar on the child’s mind, with a lot of guilt and shame is the victim card. When parents
say things like, “Oh, you see, it is because of you, that I am in such a situation.” The child takes up these
feelings and feels guilty about the whole situation. Of course, there is the classical situation of physical abuse,
when parents threaten to beat up a child, or actually do so. Psychological abuse is just as violent.
Take for example the case of parents comparing siblings or favoring one child over the other. It is so demeaning
for the children. At times, such criticisms that sound so negative are terribly harmful. Like when parents
make statements such as, “ You always do this. You do not listen.” Even when children grow up parents can
continue to be abusive towards them. Parents retort to emotional blackmailing at times of financial manipulations,
in order to get what they want from their children. Have you not heard often enough, parents saying things like,
“If you do not take care of me or do as I say, then I will have you excluded from my inheritance. Your sister
or brother are better at this. And I would likely leave everything to them.” Another terrible manner of abuse is,
especially seen in divorced families. This is manifested by emotional disconnect. Just to please, your new
found joy in the form of new partner or spouse, you do not look after your children so well. That attention towards
them somehow fails. Instead, caught up in the new relationship, you somehow choose to disconnect yourself
from your children, just to satisfy your new partner. Sadly, this is a rather common pattern in divorced families.
Using guilt tripping or humiliation is observed in many families. Love of parents is supposed to be unconditional,
is it not? How then, can it be a manipulative force? A mother’s love especially is supposed to be always
unconditional. There is no question of reward mechanism there or the use of bargain in love and affection. So,
how come we begin using such things in our relationships with our own children? Abuse also occurs when
parents use their power to continue to ensure that the children remain dependent on them. I have also
observed that parents at times blame their children for having sacrificed their successful career or missing out
on certain opportunities in life. This choice is entirely the parents’ own and by expressing it in this manner
to the child, it can create a terrible feeling of guilt, especially when the parents blame their children
for their marriage. Such a blame can create one of the worst feelings of unworthiness in a child. Sometimes abuse
manifests in apparently positive things such as when parents force their children to follow the lifestyle they
themselves lead or to follow the faith that they have inculcated from their early childhood. Have you not
observed parents pushing their children to attend Sunday church, or go for some group meditations? To my mind,
pushing children in such a manner is a form of abuse too. Parents abusing each other can also be
classified as an abuse towards the children. This is much like a second-hand smoke that a child is subjected to.
Abuse by parents towards children of a very young age or a teenager, or an adult, will have a different implication
in their psyche. Out of these, the worst is when you are affected as a child. A teenager can atleast in some manner
manifest his or her anger and do not permit the negative to settle in their mind. They let go of it through
anger to a large extent. They are quite capable of reacting violently to the abuse of parents. The question is,
‘Should one shut the doors once and for all on such parents?’ Should one try to forgive? We are often engaged
in debates on forgiving and forgetting when considering such situations. Each situation is so unique that it demands
a careful study before one can mindlessly end up offering any healing concoctions. I would not dare to.
Solutions are difficult to find because even if you want to forgive, past memory does not let you. For it is
perhaps to a certain extent possible to forgive but to forget is a whole lot different thing. It is practically impossible.
The more one tries to forget, somehow it deepens its roots in our psyche, in our subconscious. How to deal with
all this remains a big question. Many believe that forgiving would help them and find closure, but then the idea
of justification arises in the heart. Should such abusing tyrants be forgiven at all? Emotions versus rationale are
considered epic stand-offs. But are they? Yes. Under the most situations, emotions and logic, heart and mind, sync well.
Stand-offs, they are felt only when things are at crossroads with each other. The heart says to let go of all that
happened once upon a time. Yet there is a lingering feeling of otherwise. Mind says, “No.” Often one even
feels like taking revenge later on in life, when there have been childhood abuses. But that kind of behavior
can have other legal consequences. We do not want to put ourselves in such situations. Let me repeat.
Will punishing someone solve my problem from the past? Emotional scars are very tough to heal - anger,
fear, restlessness, frustrations. When desire to punish someone creeps up in the heart or the ego says,
“How could I have been treated like this and I have to do something about it,” under those circumstances,
we generally lose our compass because of this anger. So, is there any other solution to erase these emotional scars?
Erasing these emotional scars can begin to some extent, I think, once we accept what has happened and we
learn to see that we were not party to it. The moment we realise
that we are not responsible for it then we begin to find some level of solace.