[MUSIC PLAYING]
So today we're going to be talking
about manipulative people, some of the characteristics
of manipulative people, and the warning signs
that you might be being manipulated.
So some of the warning signs of a manipulator include--
low vibration, they tend to be negative.
They say things that are inappropriate.
They use projection.
They never offer help.
They are the people in our group that forget their wallet.
They are the people who talk badly
about other people behind their back.
They are the people who have a victim mentality.
They are the people who are always in our group,
but they are the people who are like, well, what about me?
Right.
So something's happening-- you're all
supposed to meet somewhere, at a bar
somewhere, or go to an event, and everyone's figuring out
how they're going to get there, but the one person in the group
is like-- well, what about me?
It's sort of like insisting that the entire group has
to worry about them.
And when it is suggested that everybody find their own ride
there, this emotionally manipulative person,
will go right into blaming, insulting,
and shaming the other people in the group
for not thinking about them.
That's just one minor example.
But emotional manipulators are generally takers, low energy,
and they have a victim mentality,
and they aren't able to support other people.
So you'll notice that someone who is manipulative,
they're sitting back and they're waiting for opportunities
to jump in and say what about me.
They like to stir the pot, so emotional manipulators
are great at poking the bear.
Let's talk about some of the warning
signs that you might be a victim of someone else's manipulation.
You feel guilty when you're around this person,
you don't know why, but you feel guilty.
You worry about them, after you have a conversation with them,
you worry about them.
You worry that maybe you said something that upset them.
You find yourself being accused of things
that you're not guilty of.
You're not cheating, but they accuse you of cheating.
You're not insecure about your job or anything,
but they accuse you of being insecure.
They accuse you of not caring about them
and about not paying attention to their feelings enough.
They gaslight you, right.
They accuse you of saying things that you
know that you never said.
They make you doubt your reality.
And what they're trying to do, consciously or unconsciously,
is they're trying to get you to worry about what they think.
That is first and foremost.
You tend to fear upsetting them, so they
make you feel like it's your fault that they're
angry or depressed, or sad.
Whatever is going on with a manipulative person,
it's everyone else's fault. You feel
overwhelmed with responsibility.
You find that you have no time to self-care.
You find that you're edgy and nervous around this person.
These are signs that you're being manipulated
by an emotional manipulator.
So what can you do?
The number one thing that has helped me in my life,
is identifying myself as someone who
has co-dependency, who is a rescuer, who is an enabler.
Or, has been--
I'm in recovery, I really am and I
try very hard to keep my rescuing tendencies in check.
This comes from being abandoned as a child
and feeling invisible, and wanting to feel seen,
and feeling like I have no worth unless I'm
taking care of other people.
So the most important thing I think
that we have to do in our lifetime,
if we feel like we're being emotionally manipulated
by other people, is to identify our own patterns
of co-dependency.
Identify whether or not we rescue, we fix,
and we lose ourselves in taking care of other people.
So another thing that we have to do-- number two
is, you have to know and identify what's healthy
and what's unhealthy.
You have to know what your individual rights are
in a relationship.
So let's talk about some of the commandments
that I use when dealing with manipulative people.
So it's not right to have someone twist your words.
So oftentimes we deal with people
who say that we said something that we never said and we
defend ourselves.
Right?
So I think it's important to pull back and gain
some objectivity and ask ourselves, wait a minute,
did I say that?
So remember to hold on to the facts.
So it's your right not to have someone twist your words.
If someone's twisting your words, be aware of that.
Number two, you're never responsible for someone else's
behavior.
So if someone goes out and robs a bank, and is in jail,
or gets a DUI, or whatever, or loses a job,
that is not your responsibility.
An emotionally manipulative person--
I coach clients with children who are emotional manipulators
and they will blame their parents
for why they lost their job.
These kids are 30 years old, not kids anymore--
it's their parents' fault that they can't get a job,
or it's their girlfriend's fault that they got a DUI,
because the girlfriend got them upset.
No, dude, it's no one's fault that you drank and got
behind the wheel of a car and put
everybody in jeopardy including yourself and innocent people.
It's no one's fault but your own.
So try to remember that you're not responsible for someone
else's behavior.
You're not responsible for someone else's bills.
You're not responsible for someone else's
financial irresponsibility.
So be careful when people start complaining about the idea
that they don't have enough money for this or for that.
So peoples' words should match their actions.
And it's so important that we get
in the habit of recognizing that what people say,
should match their actions.
So if people say they love us, we should feel that love.
If people say they're going to do X, Y, and Z,
that should be done.
And if they can't do it, there should be some explanation.
It just shouldn't be left floating out there, making
us wonder whether or not we're crazy,
or whether or not this person actually ever said that.
If you're not lying, then no one should accuse you of lying.
If you're not cheating, no one should accuse you of cheating.
And relationships should be healthy, happy, and safe.
If you're in a relationship with someone
and you are walking around on eggshells, that's a problem.
And that's something that you need to pay attention to,
because manipulative people are everywhere.
They are people who lack emotional intelligence.
They're arrested in some earlier stage of emotional development.
They may have been taught entitlement by their parents.
They may have never been held responsible or accountable
as children.
And they are unconscious, they lack self-awareness,
they don't know that they're takers.
They literally don't understand that you're not
supposed to cater to them, that society is not
supposed to cater to them.
So you're not dealing with someone
who is going to be able to agree with you, hey, you're a taker,
it's not going to happen.
So know your rights in a relationship.
If you notice someone is switching up their personality
to suit the situation, it's very important-- that's a red flag.
And what you have to do in my opinion,
is you need to distance yourself.
You need to recognize that as a huge red flag
and renegotiate your opinion of this person,
and renegotiate your contact with this person.
So refuse to accept shame or blame
when people try to blame you for something that you didn't do,
or you didn't say, or for how they feel.
Emotionally manipulative people use shame
as a way to get people to do what they want them to do.
An emotionally manipulative person
will use blame and shame to get you
to feel bad about taking responsibility and not
taking responsibility for them.
So the other thing that you need to do
is, you need to focus on yourself and ask yourself--
are my needs being met in this relationship?
It's very natural for a giver and a rescuer
to match up in life with someone who's just more laid back
and just takes.
And you end up running to make them lunch,
and you end up running to mow their lawn.
And you just know that there's a need and you just fill it.
Sometimes they don't even ask, you just fill it.
But what you'll notice is that person is not
reciprocating your generosity.
And so I think it's important that we pay attention
to the energy that we give off.
Oprah Winfrey says this all the time, she had to get to a point
where she had to accept the type of energy she let in her life.
So if you are giving out energy, you
need to pay attention to that, especially
if you're giving it to someone who never reciprocates.
Because that's energy that's never
going to come back to you.
And that's creating a deficit in your life
and bringing your vibration down.
So renegotiate the balance.
If you're in a relationship with someone who's a taker,
see if you can confront it and have a mature conversation.
I noticed that I do this and it doesn't come back.
I notice that there is this sense
that if you forget your wallet, I'm always
supposed to pay for lunch.
And I notice that you never pay me back.
You know I'm not going to put up with that moving forward.
See if you can confront in a mature way, what
you feel is unfair and then wait to see what happens.
Emotionally manipulative people might get very angry
and might stomp their feet and say, you know what, screw you,
I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
You have to be able to let that go.
Because that is a relationship that's
pulling you down and that is a relationship that's
not reciprocating energy.
And that's something that you need to pay attention to.
Because that's your responsibility
to pay attention to what energy beings you have in your space.
So the other thing I think is really helpful
is, that we have to reduce our expectations
of manipulative people.
Doesn't mean, we have to take the baby
and throw it out the bathwater.
It means that we have to renegotiate our expectations
of other people.
And we have to renegotiate how we show up in their life.
I've had to do this in my life a number of times
because I am a rescuer, and I tend
to be co-dependent, naturally.
It's like my preset setting that I
have to work at renegotiating all the time.
And so if you know that you're in a relationship
with the taker, then you've got to pull yourself back and just
not give.
Whatever it is that's coming your way out
of an emotionally manipulative person's mouth, whatever
tactic they're throwing at you, you've
got to refuse to jump in moving forward.
And you're rescuing and you're enabling and make sure
that you're doing what you can to focus
on what is in you that causes you to jump in and rescue.
So if you are co-dependent, work on co-dependency,
work on co-dependency recovery, work on your abandonment
issues, work on loving yourself, work on setting boundaries.
The last thing that we need to do
when we're dealing with an emotionally
manipulative person, is we have to learn to respond and not
react.
To an emotionally manipulative person
is looking for your vulnerabilities,
they know that you have a high empathy,
they know that you're highly forgiving.
And they're looking for an opportunity to exploit that.
And there might be 10 people on that bus
and they will find the one person to shame and blame.
That is an open wound, yes, blame me, yes, shame me.
I feel responsible for everybody.
They're going to find you.
What we have to learn to do is monitor that in our own self.
We have to learn to respond and not react.
So we set clear boundaries.
That was not my responsibility, that was your responsibility.
I showed up on time, you didn't.
I got dressed an hour early, you got dressed at the time
that we were supposed to be at this event.
Or, I didn't tell you to buy a second car,
I only have one car, and that car is your responsibility.
Your bills are your responsibility.
Your kids are your responsibility.
Be very clear about the facts and learn
to respond rather than react.
Because they're going to want to pull you in.
I hope this video about emotionally manipulative
people, and how to end emotional manipulation, has helped
you get a little bit more clear about your boundaries.
And allows you to understand where
you're paralyzed when dealing with emotionally
manipulative people.
My name is Lisa A. Romano.
I'm the breakthrough life coach and creator
of the 12-Week Breakthrough Coaching Program.
And it's a coaching program for adult children
of alcoholics, adult children of narcissistic parents.
People who have lost their sense of self
and who need to find their authentic self,
and people who love to self heal, love to meditate,
or are willing to learn how to meditate,
and who understand the value of learning life skills.
Because life skills are going to help you change your life.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Childhoods repeat themselves in adulthood,
but the power to heal--
those programs lie within us.
And I'd be honored to show you how
to do that with my team in the 12-week Breakthrough Coaching
Program.
I ran two sessions a year.
I have one summer session and a winter session.
If you'd like to find out more, click the link below.
If you'd like to jump in to programs right now,
check out the Breakthrough Warrior Membership site.
The Loving Yourself video and meditation program
is available immediately.
Namaste, dear ones.
Until next time, be safe out there
and know that you are enough.
Bye for now.