♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON!
HEY, JON, TELL ME ABOUT "PLAY ON LIVE" TONIGHT.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE ON THE CBS TONIGHT WITH "THE PLAY ON
LIVE."
TELL ME ABOUT THAT.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, WITH MY FRIEND EMILY KING AND SARAH
BERRALIS.
WE DID A SONG WITH MANY GREAT ARTISTS AND IT BENEFITTED THE
N.A.A.C.P. LEGAL DEFENSE FUND, AND AN ORGANIZATION I HAVE BEEN
INVOLVED WITH AND A FRIEND OF FOR MAN YEARS, THE LAST FIVE,
SIX YEARS.
WE PLAYED A CURTIS MAYFIELD SONG WITH THE IMPRESSIONS.
BEFORE IT WAS JUST CURTIS.
♪ PEOPLE GET READY THERE'S A TRAIN A-COMING ♪
WE DID THAT AND IT WAS KILLING.
STEVE ON THE DRUMS.
IT WAS GREAT.
I WAS SO HAPPY WITH IT.
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, JON.
FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME PICKING THE TIMELIEST
STORY APPLES, GRINDING THEM INTO THE PERFECT TOPICAL EXTRACT AND
MIXING IT WITH CINNAMON, MAPLE SYRUP, ALLSPICE AND OTHER
SEASONALLY-APT AROMATICS TO BREW THE GOURMET ARTISANAL HOT APPLE
CIDER MUG THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I DUMP SOME APPLE SHASTA AND GRAIN
ALCOHOL INTO A ONE-GALLON ZIPLOC BAG, ADD SOME CRUSHED UP FRUIT
BITS I PICKED OUT OF OLD FIG NEWTONS, AND THE RIND OF A
JACK-O'-LANTERN LEFT OUTSIDE SINCE HALLOWEEN, TOSS IN SOME
YEAST, AND FERMENT IT UNDER MY MATTRESS, THEN STRAIN IT THROUGH
A SOCK TO CREATE THE CONTRABAND TOILET-HOOCH OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A
NEW STUDY, YOUR DOG DOESN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
YOU CAN SEE ALL THE DETAILS IN THE PRESTIGIOUS "NEW ENGLAND
JOURNAL OF THAT'S WHAT WE ASSUMED."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A PHYSICIST DISCOVERED A NEW WAY TO MAKE
CHEAP N-95 MASKS BY USING A COTTON CANDY MACHINE.
THAT IS AWESOME.
BUT HOT TIP: DON'T EAT YOUR MASK AND THEN IMMEDIATELY GO ON THE
TILT-A-WHIRL, OR ELSE YOU KNOW THAT THING'S COMING RIGHT BACK
UP.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, FOLLOWING A REPORT FROM THE FRENCH MILITARY
ETHICS COMMITTEE, THE FRENCH ARMY GOT AN ETHICAL GO-AHEAD TO
CREATE BIONIC SOLDIERS AND NOW HAVE PERMISSION TO DEVELOP
"AUGMENTED SOLDIERS," BUT HAS FORBIDDEN ANY MODIFICATION THAT
WOULD AFFECT A SOLDIER'S SENSE OF "HUMANITY."
ALWAYS COMFORTING TO SEE "HUMANITY" IN QUOTES.
NOTHING TO "WORRY" ABOUT, WE'VE REALLY "THOUGHT" THIS THROUGH,
SO FEEL FREE TO LET DOWN YOUR "DEFENSES."
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
FURTHER EXAMPLES OF BANNED MODIFICATIONS INCLUDE COGNITIVE
IMPLANTS THAT WOULD AFFECT THE EXERCISE OF A SOLDIER'S FREE
WILL.
SO, EVERYBODY OUT THERE WORRIED THEY ARE GOING TO BUILD A
TERMINATOR, CALM DOWN.
IT'S GOING TO BE "LE TERMINATEUR!"
NOW, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE CONSOLIDATED PETROLEUM AND HUMOR
PRODUCTS" SOMETIMES COME ACROSS SO MANY PENIS-RELATED STORIES,
WE HAVE TO CORRAL THEM IN OUR GROIN-FOCUSED "QUARANTINE-WHILE"
SUB SEGMENT: "PEEN-WHILE."
PEEN-WHILE, NEW FOOTAGE FROM CENTRAL CHINA SHOWS ANOTHER
REASON THEY HAVE BECOME OUR MOST FORMIDABLE ENEMY.
>> WANG LIUTAI IS NO ORDINARY KUNG FU MASTER.
THE 65-YEAR-OLD PRACTICES A UNIUE AND EXCRUCIATING-LOOKING
TYPE OF MARTIAL ARTS KNOWN AS "IRON CROTCH KUNG FU."
ITS MOST FAMOUS TECHNIQUE INVOLVES SWINGING A
STEEL-PLATE-CAPPED, TWO-METER- LONG LOG THROUGH THE AIR TO
SMASH INTO A MAN'S CROTCH.
>> Stephen: PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER SAID, "I LOVE MARTIAL
ARTS, BUT THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH NUT SHOTS.
SOMETIMES I LEAVE A SPARRING LESSION, AND MY GROIN ISN'T
BLACK AND BLUE.
IT'S LIKE, WHAT AM I DOING THIS FOR?"
ALSO, THAT'S A LOT OF EFFORT JUST TO GET HIT IN THE NUTS.
BUDDY'S GOT A BEAM TRESTLE, CHAIN RIGGING, FORESTRY... I
KNOW FOR A FACT THAT, WHETHER YOU ASKED FOR IT OR NOT, YOU CAN
GET THE SAME EFFECT FROM A 10-YEAR-OLD WITH A NERF GUN.
PROPONENTS OF IRON CROTCH KUNG FU INSIST THAT NOTHING
BEATS A GOOD TREE TO THE GROIN.
AS ONE PUT IT, "WHEN YOU PRACTICE IRON CROTCH KUNG FU, AS
LONG AS YOU PUSH YOURSELF, YOU WILL FEEL GREAT."
YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH YOURSELF.
WHICH RAISES A QUESTION: WHO SUSPENDS A LOG FROM A CHAIN,
POSITIONS HIMSELF INSIDE THE LOG'S PROJECTED PARABOLA, AND
THEN DECIDES TO PHONE IT IN?
STILL, THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME OF YEAR TO TAKE UP CROTCH-FU,
BECAUSE YOU'LL FINALLY HAVE A USE FOR YOUR TREE BEYOND
CHRISTMAS.
RIGHT IN THE JINGLE BELLS!
PEEN-WHILE, A RUSSIAN AIRLINE OFFICIAL WAS FIRED FOR CREATING
A PENIS-SHAPED FLIGHT DETOUR.
FUN FACT: "PENIS-SHAPED FLIGHT DETOUR" WAS THE NAME OF MY
JEFFERSON AIRPLANE COVER BAND.
AND I WOULD HATE TO BE ON THAT PLANE:
"UHH, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
NORMALLY WE'D BE STARTING OUR DESCENT, BUT I'M GONNA TAKE A
BEAT TO DRAW A GIANT SKY DONG.
IT WILL DELAY US SIGNIFICANTLY, BUT IT WILL BE HILARIOUS--
I REPEAT, HILARIOUS."
ANYWAY, HOW ANATOMICALLY ACCURATE CAN A PENIS DRAWN USING
A FLIGHT PATH BE-- WOW.
ALSO, GIVEN THE TEMPERATURE AT 30,000 FEET, VERY IMPRESSIVE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S OFFICIAL: HARRISON FORD WILL RETURN IN A
FIFTH "INDIANA JONES" MOVIE.
DESPITE BEING 78-YEARS-OLD, SO, IN THE SUMMER OF 2022, LOOK
FORWARD TO "INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF SOUP," FOLLOWED UP
BY "INDIANA JONES AND THE LOST ARK, BUT IT WAS ON TOP OF HIS
HEAD THE WHOLE TIME."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY COHEN.
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