- Hey everyone we've been teasing a big new project
and now we're finally ready to spill.
On June 30th we'll be hosting our first ever
livestream sketch show since we did Smosh Live in 2016
and it is called Smosh Under The Influence.
(all cheering)
- This is gonna be very different from our last Smosh Live
because this time we're all gonna be drunk.
Drunk. Drunk.
- Oh. - Oh (beep).
- That's right like Ian's Drunk Funeral.
- We got a Happy Hour Eat It Or Yeet It.
- A drunk Try Not To Laugh
- And extra drunken surprises.
- Now this will all be done safely of course.
Don't worry I will be your Designated Damien
now for obvious reasons this can't happen on YouTube.
So if you wanna watch the show live,
you gotta get your tickets at the link right here.
- And we also have some exclusive merch
that we made just for the show like this right here.
- The sloshy.
- Aw, he's cute.
- And it's when? - [Kieth] June 30th.
- And when is the show?
- June 30th at 6PM PST, see you there!
- Hi, I'm Jackie, I'm single.
We knew that, but that doesn't mean
that I haven't been in relationships.
So today we're gonna meet some of my exes.
I am excited to see them again.
- Hey, yo, stop calling me bro.
I said, stop calling me, I'm handling some business.
- Hey.
- You know who this is, you know, Devante, Tay Tay,
AKA Big Daddy With the Slap,
AKA Big Daddy With That Thing,
AKA Cookie Crisp Crunch.
- Hey.
- What up baby?
- Oh, kill me.
(people laughing)
(Jackie screaming)
- Hey Jackie.
- Hey.
- It's me, Ramsses.
- Hey, Ramsses.
- From Pharaoh High.
- I know.
- I see you've done well since graduation.
- Yeah you know, I've tried to make something of myself.
- I've been making, you know, pyramids.
- [Kieth] Uh uh! (people laughing)
- Well, other people make them, I make them make them.
- You make them make them.
- I'm not gonna get into that.
- Oh, (laughs) no!
Hey.
- Oh, I've missed you.
- Your feet are out again.
- What do you mean?
I've always had my feet out.
- [Jackie] I know.
- I work the stables best that way.
I can sense what the horses need through my feet.
- (laughs) No!
- Sister Jackie! - [Jackie] No!
- Blessed be. - [Jackie] No!
Oh my God.
- Praise him.
- [Jackie] Oh God. - Sister Jackie.
(both laughing)
- Yes I bet you thought
you weren't gonna see me no more huh?
- No! - Oh, yes.
Haven't seen you since those garlic parm wings at Topgolf.
- Oh my God.
- What initially attracted you to me?
- You ditched your friend Keith to come hang with me
at CC's Pizza, you know, that's where I work,
I'm a busser.
- Yeah that was a big day.
That was like our first.
- Our first date, our first hoo rah,
you know what I mean?
It didn't last too much longer after that, but it was cool.
- Yeah.
- I slap that crying thing.
- You know what I'm saying?
- I learned my tongue thing from you.
- No baby, look, we only had like a day,
that was on you though, that was your fault.
- Why was it my fault?
- Because I don't take the blame for nothing.
- Are you on something right now?
- Maybe I don't remember.
- Okay we won't even-
- Oh, thugs don't sit like that.
- [Jackie] No!
- Here I was the runningback in Pharaoh High,
I had everything I thought.
- Mhm. - But something was missing.
And then I saw you at the Library of Alexandria,
you were reading the Book of the Dead
and I thought, wow, she's not like other girls,
you're someone who knows how to read hieroglyphics.
Like you don't see that, that much.
We hit it off,
even though we didn't have much in Tutankhamen.
- Did you say what?
In, in, in tu?
- And then when school was called off because of locusts
you came over to my place
and we binged our favorite NBC drama,
This Is Osiris.
- I hate you so much.
- I remember it like yesterday
you would take little saucy romance novels
and read 'em in the back of the Barnes And Noble
by yourself all secret like,
but then you decided to write one of your own.
You created me, but a humble stable hand
in a pirate village,
fell in love with the captain's daughter,
riding our horses. - Yeah.
- Down on the sand on my big old 19 inch peninsula
it was 19 inches on the cover, it's a big book.
You are truly the only beauty that I've ever truly known
because you created me from nothing,
and I have no memories from before then, so.
- Oh, sister, Jackie, your spirit, your hunger,
when you walked in the room
you lit it up like a Christmas morning.
You are like the little baby born in a manger.
You seem a bit flabbergasted.
- I'm a little flabbergasted.
I just didn't think I'd see you again
after I left the church, I didn't think you'd follow me.
- I'm always watching.
What attracted you to me, Sister Jackie?
Why would I extended my everlasting arm-
- Ew, no!
I just, I saw the God in you,
and I wanted a little piece.
- The little piece of the Lord.
- A little piece of the Lord, I'll be honest.
- Honesty is the best policy,
it says that right in here.
You know this book is from 1940.
It tastes like it.
- Is that a Bible?
- You can say that.
- Rejoice Sister Jackie.
- What's my biggest flaw?
- Your biggest flaw is that you too eager,
you know what I mean?
Like I'm a sketchy dude, like honestly.
Like, on my Tinder, you know it said
that I like to get money, you know?
And your money specifically.
First thing you asked me was
did I want your social security number?
Which I did, but that was just way too easy.
- Okay I thought being open was like a good thing
but I guess it's not.
- No, no, no I like closed, I like to open closed doors.
- I could be a closed-
- See, that's that eagerness that I'm talking about baby.
You just too eager.
It's like let me steal from you or something.
- You can never remember my favorite Brendan Frazier movie.
- You're right, wait, the Mummy?
- Bedazzled. Every time.
- Sorry.
- You can just never remember it.
Why, oh, the Mummy, I hate that movie,
it's too real for me.
- You know, it's a big flaw to me, but maybe not for you
you know, it's fine.
Whenever you wrote our stories
and you went back and read them,
that's when I get to really live them with you
and you'd always read the parts
where I was pleasing the woman
and then when it was my turn,
you would skip to the next time in the later pages
when I was pleasing the woman again,
so I never truly, really ever have ever finished in my life.
And that's, that's fine, it's your book.
It's just me and the horses at the end of the day,
and you know,
as many books as there are that write about that,
that's not what I'm into.
- Your biggest flaw,
when you are eating garlic parmesan wings at Topgolf,
you don't finish the whole wing.
You leave so much meat on the bone,
also who uses thousand island dressing as a wing dip?
There's ranch, there's blue cheese.
- Do you need help?
- Oh, I got it. I got it, got it.
- Why did we break up?
- I, I, honestly, I didn't even know we was together
to be totally honest, to be frank, you kind of crazy
'cause we only hung out one time, it was a date.
- Yeah this happens to me often,
usually I think I'm dating someone,
and we're actually not together so this tracks.
- Makes sense huh?
- I'm a, I'm a little crazy.
- See that's one thing I do love about her though,
she is crazy but like she honest, she honest about it.
She is honest.
- Probably because you (beep) Moses.
I get it, he's the coolest guy,
I couldn't believe you would do that to me.
You chose my brother even after
he put a whole plague on the school
- And your brother is?
- That's Moses.
- [Jackie] Okay wait.
- I think I haven't read up on it in a long time.
- I wasn't enough for you.
You were always off reading other romance novels Jay,
Mad, Bad, and Dangerous in Plaid.
- That's a good one.
- Aroused by Two Lions, Punishment from the Minotaur Herd,
Sleeping with the Fishes.
These are all real romance novels by the way,
look it up.
- I know. - Yeah.
- I don't have to look it up, I read 'em.
- You were unfaithful Jay,
and that's why I had to leave your dreams forever.
You, you and me were one and the same in fantasy land.
- You were me and I am you.
We have matching toes.
- Yeah, we do.
Sorry about the callouses, ignore those.
It's from kicking off, kicking (beep),
not the, I don't kick the horses.
No, unless you wrote me too, I would,
I will kick whatever horse you write me to do.
- I would never do that. - Okay, sick.
- I'll tell you exactly why, it was you.
- Oh. - Your fault.
You broke up with me,
I went to the restroom to relieve myself
of the devilish urine inside of my bladder,
came back to the bay at Topgolf, you were gone, vanished.
- Yeah I mean, I was done with my wings
so I thought it was time to go.
- Oh, that's all I am to you Sister Jackie?
A nice free 12 piece, french fries, tacos,
carrots and celery.
Celery's too stringy for me.
- It does- - Gets in your teeth.
- Your teeth. - Yeah.
Yeah you don't have any floss,
you're just walking around with strings all in your teeth.
- Yes.
I miss you.
- You miss me now, oh, now you miss me Sister Jackie?
- I do, I do.
- All outta wings, huh?
- Yeah I haven't had wings in a long time.
- Yeah. - I'm sorry.
- You are forgiven.
- Did you keep any secrets from me while we were together?
- Yeah I'm be honest with you.
I took the incense by your bed,
I needed some smell good for my house
and my baby mama's house,
I was gonna steal your purse,
but you know God delivered me from that.
- You stole the incense
but you never told me about your baby mama.
- I didn't? - No.
- Oh man my fault.
Well actually she the one that signed me up for Tinder,
she was just trying to get rid of me.
- And I fell into her trap.
- You did look, we got a date out of it, that's it?
- Yeah. - You, you fun.
You're fun I just got, got kids at home.
- Okay I put a hex on you.
- You just put a hex on me?
- I put a hex on you okay.
- What was the hex?
- It, I made a deal with Anubis,
I think his name is or whatever.
So I cursed your soul to go to the underworld
but I fixed it, I sent someone else, Jeff from third period.
- You sent Jeff from?
- Yeah but, but he really, he was just a side character
so I felt like it was fine.
- Jeff was waiting for that day when he like got pulled.
- Oh, did you you cheat on me with Jeff too?
- No I didn't.
I'm not a big cheater, just a small cheater.
I'm better than that.
- You're so unpredictable, Jackie.
- Ah, sorry I thought that's what you liked about me.
- It is.
- Truth is I did finish once.
- What?
- One time I was walking through the stables one day,
this stallion turns to me.
- Oh. - Becky the stallion
- With the good mane.
- With the good mane and tail.
Becky said there's just a mermaid rearing to go.
Just rolling around the sand all by herself,
and I was like, I'll go see if she's interested,
and I went and it was, it was okay.
I didn't know where to go, I didn't know where to go.
Not worth writing about I'm sorry.
You don't even, you don't want to write about that one.
- So you cheated on me to help me.
- That's right for your art, just as like you did on me,
I tried to immerse myself elsewhere.
- I don't know if I like that.
- But that's okay you moved on to Christian Gray.
Yeah I know you read that one.
- I did.
- You did, I know with his chains and whips, gross.
- You have chains and whips though with the horse-
- For the horses to keep them safe and secure
and moving fast.
- All of the money I use from the donations
for my own personal use.
Don't tell anyone.
Why do you think we haven't replaced that doorknob
on that church in 35 years.
Also I invented the religion.
- Oh no how many people are still in your church?
- 400, and I'm hoping to make it 401.
- Oh my gosh.
If you had the last word, what would you say?
- To be totally honest
I really think you're just too good for me.
I think you are a beautiful young lady.
I mean, besides everything that's wrong with you
you are incredible.
I'm doing the best I can with what I got.
- Okay.
- You deserve the world, but I can't give it to you.
- Thank you for your, your honesty I appreciate it.
- No for sure, for sure.
All right somebody said I was gonna get $500 for pulling up.
Has anybody got any money?
- I don't know how to say it, so I wrote it down.
(peaceful music) (Jackie laughing)
- Oh (beep) sorry, anyways, you get it.
- I get it, I heard it, I received it.
- I just want you to know
that no matter what I love you, pyramid.
- The horses are calling.
Just do it.
- Oh I'm in work shorts! (laughs)
- I hope someone out there does this to you every day.
- [Shayne] Kiss her, kiss her!
- I just put fresh lip gloss I'm not gonna do that.
Alright never forget that, I hope you remember it.
- I'll always remember that.
Wow.
- If you had the last word, what would you say?
- Hosana!
What do you say more wings at Topgolf?
They just built a new one in El Segundo,
we don't have to drive all the way to Phoenix.
- Yeah, I'd be down,
and maybe I'll come back to the church.
- Ah, yes, that's all I want, to date my parishioners.
Well, the Lord callth,
but I'll leave you with this parting word.
How the powers of darkness rage thy steps around.
(people applauding)
- Well that was a blast from the past.
Oh my God, hi.
Yeah if you wanna see more of this, see-
- And see more of me.
- Yeah if you wanna see other people
have their exes come back and visit them
please let us know on the comments.
Also, we have more things for you to watch,
we have a video over here, we have a video over here.
- Right.
- Make sure that you subscribe,
we would love for you to join this family.
Come join our church it's cool over here.
- Eight o'clock on noggin.
- Join our fantasy you won't regret it.
It'll bring you much pleasure.
- What? - Bye.