( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND IT IS--
THIS IS THE FIRST FRIDAY OF 2022.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. THAT'S WHY I SHOWED UP.
IF I'M NOT HAPPY TO BE HERE, I DON'T SHOW UP.
THAT'S WHY ON SOME FRIDAYS MIGHT NOTICE WE DON'T DO A NEW SHOW.
I CALL UP CHRIS, AND I'LL SAY, "HEY, JUST NOT FEELING IT THIS
FRIDAY," AND THE NETWORK JUST GOES, "WHATEVER YOU SAY, CHIEF!
YOUR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT TO US THAN
MONEY!" BUT... THAT'S THE FIRST JOKE
TONIGHT.
TO WORK THESE DAYS. ACCORDING TO THE MOST RECENT
JOBS REPORTS, IN NOVEMBER, "THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE QUITTING
JOBS HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH" IN WHAT IS BEING CALLED THE "GREAT
RESIGNATION." WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT ON THE
GREAT RESIGNATION, ONE ECONOMIST SAID, "ASK SOMEBODY ELSE.
I QUIT!"
COMES STRAIGHT AND HOT FROM THE BUREAU OF LABOR STATISTICS'
LATEST "JOB OPENINGS AND LABOR TURNOVER SURVEY-- OR 'JOLTS'--
RELEASE." INCIDENTALLY, IF YOU'RE JOLTING
YOURSELF TO RELEASE ON THE JOB, YOU'LL PROBABLY GETTING FIRED
BEFORE YOU GET A CHANCE TO RESIGN.
( APPLAUSE )
ONE SECTOR HAS BEEN HIT HARD. WORKERS PARTICULARLY QUIT THEIR
JOBS IN THE HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY, WHICH IS WHY ROBOTS
ARE FILLING IN STAFFING SORTAGES AT SOME HOTELS.
THAT'S RIGHT-- RUTHLESS KILLING MACHINES PROGRAMMED TO DELIVER
YOUR LUGGAGE TO YOUR ROOM. IT'S ROBO-HOP.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS ACTUALLY-- THIS IS ACTUALLY ALREADY HAPPENING.
LET'S SEE THE FUTURE OF HOSPITALITY IN ACTION:
>> THE ROBOT NEEDS TO BE TRAINED ONLY ONCE TO NAVIGATE THE LOBBY
AND HALLWAYS. IT EVEN HAS BEEN ADAPTED TO CALL
FOR AN ELEVATOR. ONCE INSIDE, IT CAN PRESS THE
BUTTON FOR THE DESIGNATED FLOOR. >> Stephen: WAIT, WAIT, ROBOT.
AT LEAST BUY THAT ELEVATOR DINNER FIRST!
CAN WE SHOW THAT ON CBS? I DON'T KNOW.
AND IT'S GREAT AT ROOM SERVICE. >> ONCE IT GETS TO THE ROOM, IT
CALLS THE GUEST TO ANNOUNCE ITS ARRIVAL.
>> OUR ROBOT IS WAITING OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT AS COMFORTING AS YOU THINK.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY, OR YOU WILL BE INCINERATED AND
THEN CHARGED FOR A MINI-BAR TOBLERONE."
( LAUGHTER )
WHO DOESN'T LIKE CHOCOLATE? BUT SOME FOLKS ACTUALLY PREFER
THE INHUMAN TOUCH. ACCORDING TO THE C.E.O. OF THE
ROBOT HOSPITALITY COMPANY, "YOU DON'T HAVE TO TIP IT, AND YOU
DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET DRESSED FOR IT."
OKAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO, BUT YOU REALLY STILL SHOULD PUT ON A
ROBE. JUST BECAUSE IT'S A ROBOT,
DOESN'T MEAN IT NEEDS TO SEE WHAT YOU USE TO PUSH ELEVATOR
BUTTONS.
"GOING UP?" RESTAURANTS, RESTAURANTS ARE
ALSO FILLING THEIR JOB OPENINGS WITH ROBOTS, SUCH AS "FLIPPY,"
FROM MISO ROBOTICS, WHICH "USES ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE,
SENSORS, COMPUTER VISION, AND ROBOTIC ARMS TO FRY FAST FOOD."
THIS THING IS CAPABLE OF SOLVING THE MOST COMPLEX MATHEMATIC
CALCULATIONS, AND IT'S FRYING FAST FOOD.
IT'S A SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH. THEY'VE INVENTED A SYNTHETIC
GRAD STUDENT!
AND THE MAKERS-- YUP. THE MAKERS OF FLIPPY ALSO MAKE
"SIPPY," A ROBOT MACHINE THAT AUTOMATICALLY DISPENSES COLAS
AND SOFT DRINKS. AND IF YOU BUY THEM BOTH, THE
FLIPPY AND SIPPY ROBOTS COMBINE TO FORM "DIABETES VOLTRON."
( LAUGHTER )
POURING MUCH OF THE HARD STUFF, BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
USING THE NEW YEAR AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE A BREAK FROM
ALCOHOL-- A.K.A. "DRY JANUARY." PERSONALLY, I'M GOING TO DO A
THIRD OF THAT. I WILL NOT BE DRINKING FOR THE
EIGHT HOURS A DAY THAT I'M SLEEPING.
BUT, BUT, JUST FOR JANUARY.
BEVERAGE COMPANY HAD A BIT OF ADVICE.
PABST BLUE RIBBON POSTED THIS ACTUAL TWEET: "NOT DRINKING THIS
JANUARY? TRY EATING ASS!"
( APPLAUSE )
TASTE OF PABST BLUE RIBBON, THE CLOSEST SUBSTITUTE IS ASS!
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S WHY TRUE CONNOISSEURS CALL IT, "PABST BROWN RIBBON."
( LAUGHTER )
INSTEAD, THEY SEEM TO BE PLAYING IT SAFE-- AND THIS IS TRUE--
BY TWEETING JUST THE WORD "BEER."
OR, IF BEER'S NOT AVAILABLE, TRY PABST BLUE RIBBON.
OF COURSE, COMPANIES AREN'T JUST PROMOTING THEMSELVES HERE ON
EARTH. AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE
LATEST IN MY SEGMENT, "SPACE NEWS: BRANDS IN SPACE EDITION."
( APPLAUSE )
IN OUR-- VERY EASY, CHEAP DATE. IN OUR FIRST PIECE OF ORBITING
BRAND NEWS, AMAZON'S ALEXA MAY SOON BE GOING TO SPACE.
REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS SCENE FROM "2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY."
>> OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS, ALEXA >> PLAYING "BEST OF THE DOORS."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> NO!
ALEXA, NO! >> Stephen: A SPOKESPERSON FOR
AMAZON SAYS THAT THE DEVICE COULD ALLOW ASTRONAUTS TO OBTAIN
REALTIME DATA BY ASKING THINGS LIKE, "WHAT SPEED ARE WE GOING
ON? WHAT'S THAT ALARM THAT JUST WENT
OFF? REMIND ME WHAT THAT IS."
"REMIND ME WHAT THAT IS"? HOW DUMB ARE ASTRONAUTS?
"ALEXA, HOW MANY SPEEDS IS SPACESHIPS DOING FOR?
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A POTATO!" ALEXA, EVIDENTALLY, COULD ALSO
COMMUNICATE WITH EARTH TO RETRIEVE ALL SORTS OF
INFORMATION, SUCH AS NEWS, THAT WOULD HELP ASTRONAUTS TO FEEL
LESS LONELY. YES, BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE
THING THAT ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP WHEN I'M FEELING DOWN, IT'S THE
NEWS.
BACK HERE ON EARTH--
NEWS? >> Jon: NEWS FANS.
>> Stephen: BACK EARTH-SIDE, OMICRON CONTINUES TO RAGE ACROSS
THE WORLD, AND IT'S HAVING DEVASTATING CONSEQUENCES.
FOR INSTANCE, IT WAS RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THAT THE GRAMMY AWARDS
HAVE BEEN OFFICIALLY POSTPONED. AND I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE LATIN
GRAMMYS HAVE BEEN POSTPUESTOS. BUT THERE IS ONE AWARD SHOW
THAT'S STILL GOING TO HAPPEN: THE GOLDEN GLOBES.
NOT THAT YOU'D KNOW IT. THEY ALREADY WEREN'T GOING TO BE
TELEVISED BECAUSE NBC YANKED THE GLOBES AFTER ACCUSATIONS OF
RACISM, SEXISM, AND GREED WERE LEVELED AGAINST THE HOLLYWOOD
FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION. AND NBC WILL NOT TOLERATE
RACISM, SEXISM, AND GREED FOR MORE THAN 15 SEASONS.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THE CEREMONY. THIS SUNDAY, THE GLOBES WILL
TAKE PLACE WITHOUT CELEBS, PRESS, OR AUDIENCE IN
ATTENDANCE. WHAT?
HOW? HUH?
THE GOLDEN GLOBES WITHOUT PRESS OR CELEBRITIES IS JUST A HOTEL
BALLROOM FULL OF AUSTRIANS WHO LOVE "EMILY IN PARIS."
( LAUGHTER )
AUSTRIAN-- PEOPLE OF AUSTRIA JOKES.
THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION CLAIMS THAT THESE
CHANGES WERE CAUSED BY OMICRON, BUT "VARIETY" OBTAINED AN EMAIL
THAT THE GLOBES SENT TO SEVERAL PUBLICISTS ASKING THEIR CLIENTS
TO PARTICIPATE IN THE SHOW, AND NO CELEBS HAVE AGREED TO TAKE
PART. THEY COULDN'T GET ANYONE.
EVEN MEL GIBSON.
WITH THE GOLDEN GLOBES. THOSE PEOPLE ARE RACISTS."
( LAUGHTER )
ANNIVERSARY OF THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION, AND MORE AND MORE
OF THESE TRAITOR JOES ARE FACING TRIAL.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST
ROUND-UP ROUNDUP." >> THESE BAD HOMBRES ARE
UN-STABLE. >> Stephen: FIRST UP ON THE
COLLUDE RANCH IS BUFFALO NATIVE, AND GUY WHO'S "JUST HANGING
OUT IN THE BUSHES, OFFICER. NO LAW AGAINST THAT," TOM
SIBICK. SIBICK IS FACING MULTIPLE FELONY
CHARGES, MAINLY FROM ASSAULTING CAPITOL POLICE OFFICER MICHAEL
FANONE. HE'S STILL AWAITING TRIAL, BUT
THIS PAST WEEK, HE ASKED A FEDERAL JUDGE TO ALLOW HIM TO
USE DATING APPS. HIS DATING APP OF CHOICE?
O-K.K.K. CUPID.
NEXT UP-- SURE. WHY NOT?
NEXT UP IN THE CHICKEN COUP IS FLORIDA NATIVE JEFFREY REGISTER,
SEEN HERE ASKING A RACCOON IN A DUMPSTER, "HEY, YOU GONNA FINISH
THAT?"
IS REGISTER-- STORMED THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6, AND THEN A
FEW WEEKS LATER, SENT A TEXT TO HIS DAD SAYING: WOULD YOU SETTLE
FOR "MY KID IS ON THE DISHONOR ROLE?"
AFTER SENDING THE TEXTS, THE F.B.I. CONTACTED REGISTER, AND
HE LIED TO THEM AND TRIED TO COVER UP HIS TEXTS AND SOCIAL
MEDIA ACTIVITY BY DOING A FACTORY RESET ON HIS PHONE.
UH... THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS, BUDDY.
YOU ALREADY SENT THE TEXT. IT'S LIKE SAYING, "I KNOW
THERE'S VIDEO OF ME BURNING DOWN THE ORPHANAGE, BUT IF I DID
THAT, HOW COME MY GASOLINE CANISTER IS TOTALLY EMPTY?"
LAST UP AT THE NOT-O.K. CORRAL IS PENNSYLVANIA RIOTER AND
DOLLAR GENERAL JUSTIN BEIBER, LEONARD RIDGE.
RIDGE IS 20, SO HE'S ONE OF THE YOUNGEST DEFENDANTS IN THE
CAPITOL RIOT. SO RIDGE'S LAWYER ARGUES THAT
THE JUDGE SHOULD BE MORE LENIENT BECAUSE HE SPENT HIS SENIOR YEAR
IN VIRTUAL LEARNING, AND HE MISSED OUT ON "SENIOR SPIRIT
DAY, THE SENIOR YEAR PICNIC, AND PROM."
HE MAY HAVE MISSED OUT ON PROM, BUT THE THEME OF THE
INSURRECTION WAS "ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE SIEGE."
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT. "MEANWHILE!"
COME ON, IT'S "MEANWHILE!"