WELCOME! I'M SORRY.
THE RHYTHM IS GOING TO GET YOU. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY L'SHANA TOVAH! JEWISH
VIEWERS. IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT YEAR.
( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S ALWAYS LUCKY. 5763 IS AN INTERESTING START.
BECAUSE THIS EVENING A NASA SPACECRAFT DELIBERATELY HIT AN
ASTEROID HEAD ON AT 15,000 MILES PER HOUR.
THIS IS TO SEE WHETHER SPACE ROCKS CAN BE DEFLECTED.
NOW, BEFORE YOU START HAVING PANIC SEX WITH STRANGERS ON THE
SIDEWALK, I HOPE IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF THIS ASTEROID.
( LAUGHTER )
ENDER THAT BEN AFFLECK HAD TO SAVE US FROM.
IT WASN'T EVEN HEADED FOR EARTH. THIS WAS ALL JUST A TEST TO SEE
POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS ASTEROID IF NASA COULD PUSH A OFF COURSE
WITH EARTH. THE MISSION IS CALLED THE
"THE DOUBLE ASTEROID REDIRECTION TEST," OR "DART."
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE MISSION TO STOP A REAL ASTEROID
THAT'S GOING TO DESTROY THE EARTH: THE SPACIAL HYBRID
ASTRONAUT REDIRECTION TECHNIQUE, OR "SHART."
I THINK THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED.
WE RECORDED THIS SHOW EARLIER, SO WE DON'T KNOW HOW THE IMPACT
BUT, ON THE SLIM CHANCE THAT WENT. THE
ASTEROID WAS NOT ACCIDENTALLY REDIRECTED INTO A COLLISION
COURSE WITH EARTH, AND WE'RE NOW ALL CLINGING TO CHUNKS OF
CONTINENTAL SHELF, DRIFTING TOWARD THE SUN, THAT DOES NOT
BUT, ON THE SLIM CHANCE THAT THE HAPPEN, THERE WILL BE ANOTHER
WEDNESDAY. AND WE GOT THE JANUARY 6 HEARING ON INSIDE DOPE ON
SOME OF THE COMMITTEE'S FINDINGS LAST NIGHT ON "60 MINUTES"-- OR
AS I'VE BEEN TOLD NOT TO CALL IT: "TIKTOK."
CORRESPONDENT BILL WHITAKER
DOWN WITH FORMER SENIOR TECHNICAL ADVISER FOR THE
JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE AND SIX-YEAR-OLD WHO WAS ALLOWED
TO CHOOSE THEIR OWN FIRST AND LAST NAME, DENVER RIGGLEMAN.
( LAUGHTER )
ADMINISTRATION WAS TO THE RIOTERS ON JANUARY 6th:
>> YOU GET A REAL AH-HA MOMENT WHEN YOU SEE THAT THE
WHITE HOUSE SWITCHBOARD HAD CONNECTED TO A RIOTER'S PHONE
WHILE IT'S HAPPENING. THAT'S A PRETTY BIG AH-HA
MOMENT. >> Stephen: AN AH-HA MOMENT?
WELL, MAYBE THE "HA" WILL COME EVENTUALLY, BUT RIGHT NOW,
I'M STUCK ON THE AHHHH!
AAHHH! HA.
WE DON'T KNOW WHO MADE THE CALL, BUT WE DO KNOW THAT THE CALL
LASTED FOR ONLY NINE SECONDS. SO, PROBABLY A PRANK CALL.
( AS TRUMP ) ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, THEN YOU BETTER CATCH MIKE PENCE AND HANG HIM."
( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF WHICH, THE
ARE CLEARLY GETTING UNDER THE SKIN OF FORMER
PRESIDENT PILLSBURY DUH BOY. IN A NEW TELL-ALL FROM THE "NEW
YORK TIMES'" MAGGIE HABERMAN, THE FORMER PRESIDENT TRIES
TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR DURING THE
INSURRECTION, SAYING: "I WAS NOT WATCHING TELEVISION
ON JANUARY 6th." REALLY?
REALLY?
ANGRY MOB TO STORM THE CAPITOL TO PREVENT THE PEACEFUL TRANSFER
OF POWER FOR THE FIRST IN OUR NATION'S HISTORY, AND THAT'S THE
PART OF THE TESTIMONY YOU'RE TAKING ISSUE WITH?
ACCUSED OF KILLING THAT
CATEGORICALLY DENY I WAS LAST SEPTEMBER, BUT I WEARING
WHITE PANTS. IT WAS AFTER LABOR DAY.
I'M A MURDERER, NOT A MONSTER."
YOU!"
OTHER THINGS TO HABERMAN, INCLUDING THIS ANECDOTE ABOUT
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT: "THE QUESTION I GET ASKED MORE
THAN ANY OTHER QUESTION: 'IF YOU HAD IT TO DO AGAIN, WOULD YOU
HAVE DONE IT?'" OKAY, THAT'S CLEARLY A LIE.
THE QUESTION HE GETS ASKED MORE THAN ANY OTHER IS "DO YOU WANT
FRIES WITH THAT?" THE ANSWER IS YES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"THE ANSWER IS, YEAH, I THINK SO.
BECAUSE HERE'S THE WAY I LOOK AT IT-- I HAVE SO MANY RICH
FRIENDS, AND NOBODY KNOWS WHO THEY ARE."
YEP. THE REAL PRESIDENCY IS THE
RICH FRIENDS WE MADE ALONG THE WAY.
ALSO, I LOVE THAT SHE DIDN'T EVEN ASK HIM THAT.
HE ASKED HIMSELF THAT, AND THEN ANSWERED HIMSELF.
WHAT'S THE MAIN QUESTION I GET "A LOT OF TIMES I'M ASKED ASKED.
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. WELL, I TEND TO ASK MYSELF THE
THING PEOPLE ARE ASKING THE MOST, WHICH IS WHAT QUESTION
ABOUT WHICH QUESTIONS I GET ASKED.
ANY QUESTIONS?" AND-- AND--
( APPLAUSE )
HABERMAN MET WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT IN MARCH OF 2021 IN
MAR-A-LAGO, WHICH AT THE TIME WAS SHUT DOWN DUE TO THE COVID
OUTBREAK. WHICH LEADS TO THIS STUNNING
CONCLUSION, COVID-- TURNS OUT, NOT GOOD.
A YEAR NHALF A MILLION MARCH OF 2021. AMERICANS
DEAD, BUT WHAT REALLY SOLD THIS DINGUS ON A PANDEMIC NOT BEING
GOOD WAS HE HAD TO SHUT DOWN HIS SPECIAL CLUBHOUSE WHERE
WELL-TO-ORTHODONTISTS CLAP FOR HIM WHEN HE EATING CHOCOLATE
CAKE. HERE'S ANOTHER SECTION OF THE
BOOK-- "NOT GOOD."
ITALY HELD AN ELECTION, AND THE BIG WINNER WAS
ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT AND STAGE MOM WHO
NEEDS YOU TO DO THE DANCE LIKE WE PRACTICED-- GIORGIA MELONI.
MELONI'S VICTORY HAS A LOT OF FOKS WORRIED, BECAUSE SHE'S SET
TO BE ITALY'S MOST FAR-RIGHT PRIME MINISTER SINCE MUSSOLINI.
YIKERS. EXPLAINS WHY STANLEY TUCCI'S
CHANGING THE NAME OF HIS SHOW TO "MAYBE I'LL SEARCH FOR BELGIUM
FOR A WHILE."
"I LIKE WAFFLES. THEY HAVE WAFFLES, RIGHT?
THAT'S IT. THEY HAVE WAFFLES.
BUT THE PART THAT HURTS THE MOST FOR ME PERSONALLY IS THAT
MELONI, WHO LEADS A PARTY THAT HAS BEEN OFTEN DESCRIBED AS
BIG TOLKIEN FAN, WHO USED TO NEO-FASCIST, CLAIMS TO BE A DRESS
UP AS A HOBBIT. NO!
OR AS THEY SAY IN ITALIAN, NO! "NO!
( LAUGHTER )
NO SELF-RESPECTING ADULT DRESSES LIKE A HOBBIT!
UNLESS THEY'RE ON THE COVER OF "ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY"!
ITALIAN POLITICIAN MIGHT LOVE NOW, I GET, I GET WHY AN TOLKIEN.
THE TRILOGY IS FULL OF ITALIAN CHARACTERS.
>> MAMA MIA! >> Stephen: AND YOU GOTTA LOVE
THE SOUNDTRACK BY HOWARD SHORE.
FLAMING UP IN THE SKY THAT'S A-SAURON! ♪
( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A-ELRON ♪ BUT MELONI TAKES HER FANDOM TO
THE EXTREME, SAYING, "I DON'T CONSIDER 'THE LORD OF THE RINGS'
FANTASY." ADDING THAT, TO HER, IT'S
I HAVE NEVER SAID THESE WORDS "A SACRED TEXT." TO
ANYONE, BUT I THINK YOU'RE TAKING "THE LORD OF THE RINGS,"
EVEN WORSE, THIS ISN'T JUST CONFINED TO MELONI.
LORD OF THE RINGS" HAS BEEN A APPARENTLY, IN ITALY, "THE CENTRAL
PILLAR OF THE HARD-RIGHT IDENTITY.
NO. NO, FASCISTS.
SOME SACRED TEXT FOR THE FAR "LORD OF THE RINGS" IS NOT RIGHT.
MISUNDERSTANDING THE WORDS OF THAT'S TOTALLY ULMO, LORD OF THE
WATERS, WHO CHOSE TUOR AS HIS INSTRUMENT TO TELL THE ELVEN
KING TURGON AFTER THE FOUNDING OF THE GREAT KINGDOM OF
GONDOLIN: "LOVE NOT TOO WELL THE WORK OF
THY HANDS AND THE DEVICES OF THY HEART."
HEY! HEY!
YOU GET BACK HERE! YOU GET BACK HERE!
( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE, I'VE FELT A GREAT A BECAUSE WE JUST
LEARNED THAT JAMES EARL JONES IS RETIRING FROM THE ROLE OF
DARTH VADER IN "STAR WARS." HE WILL NOW BE PLAYING BABY
YODA.
BUT DON'T WORRY. THE VOICE OF DARTH VADER LIVES
REPORTEDLY SIGNED OVER THE ON, BECAUSE JONES HAS RIGHTS TO HIS
AND NOW DISNEY HAS HIRED AN A ARCHIVAL VOICE WORK. .I.
FIRM TO BUILD VADER'S VOICE FROM JONES' LIBRARY OF WORK.
OKAY, THAT IS CREEPY. DUE TO ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY,
HOLLYWOOD WILL NOW BE ABLE TO USE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE TO
MAKE STARS ACT FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.
LUCKILY, THIS ONLY APPLIES TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN RECORDED
FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF OH, MY GOD.
LISTEN, IF THEY TRY TO DO THIS TO ME, PLEASE KNOW THAT...
>> I LOVE PARMOINT. THEY ARE AMERICA'S FAVORITE
MEDIA CONGLOMERATE AND HAVE MY PERMISSION TO DO WHATEVER THEY
WANT. >> Stephen: AND I MEAN THAT!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE SIGOURNEY WEAVER AND "FBI" STAR ZEEKO ZAKI.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE!
♪ ♪ ♪