It's like if you show up
20 minutes early to a party,
you're not a loser.
You're smart.
-'Cause they usually have the food out. -[audience laughs]
They have the food out
and they're still doing the setup.
So you can get involved.
You go, "No, you carry on, don't worry about me."
You look at their table,
-you go, "Guacamole looks good." [laughs] -[audience laughs]
"I'm going to give it a go.
-[audience laughs] -Just going to try it for her.
Give her some valuable feedback if she needs it."
So you grab a chip.
Now, you're not a fool.
You know to go in slow, right? [laughs]
[audience laughs]
-You've been around food before. [laughs] -[audience laughs]
Don't worry.
When that chip breaks...
[audience laughs]
you're so disappointed in yourself,
you're like, "How am I this age
-and I can't nail a snack?" -[audience laughs]
'Cause now you know you're in deep shit.
You better get that chip out before she comes out.
Don't want to fuck up the table
before anyone else gets there.
You're gonna take another chip.
But you're gonna take a strong one. You know, the...
[audience laughs]
No, 'cause you know the ones that are curved,
the curved ones are structurally stronger than the others.
[audience laughs]
So, you take that curve. Also, pro-tip:
they always have more flavor 'cause they're sort of...
Anyway, so...
[audience laughs]
So you take that chip.
Now, you know, you're not a fool.
You're gonna go low and slow.
You're gonna go low and slow,
and you want to slowly curve it around the original chip.
Just make it a little... You don't want to go too close
'cause then it could structurally damage the...
So, you just want to go... slight--
When that second chip breaks...
[audience laughs]
...you question every decision you've ever made as an adult.
"I should probably not be alone."
[audience laughs]
'Cause now you know you'd better get that out before she comes out.
You've got two chips in there.
You're not gonna take another chip, you're not an idiot.
[audience laughs]
You're going to learn from your mistakes here.
You don't want her to come out to two half dead chips in the guacamole
-with a fucking moat around it. -[audience laughs]
[laughing continues]
-[thumps] -[audience laughs]
When you're second knuckle in,
she comes out and busts you.
[audience laughs]
Like you're at your high school dance...
and you just lock eyes with each other. [laughs]
[audience laughs]
-[laughs, snorts] -[audience laughing]
-I love that slow realization. -[laughing continues]
-Ooh... [laughs] -[audience laughs]
-My hand's still in the guacamole. -[audience laughs]
She walks out, she locks eyes with you.
She looks at you, you look at her.
She knows your hand's in the guacamole,
you know your hand's in the guacamole.
You look at each other, 'cause you don't know at what point...
should you pull your hand out.
[audience laughs]
There's no time like the present so you just pull it out.
Now the bigger conundrum.
Do you flick it or lick it?
[audience roars]
She just stares at you, never breaking eye contact
looking over to you, just taking the bowl, going,
-"I wasn't that happy with it anyway." -[audience laughs]
She walks in the kitchen, you can hear her throw it in the sink.
You feel like such a loser 'cause you go,
"It's out of season for avos, that would've cost her $400."
[audience laughs]
You're not a loser, but what you didn't realize
that if you normally show up 20 minutes late,
the guacamole's been sitting on the table for 40 minutes
slowly getting to room temperature,
and then it's smooth as anything.
You can fucking lift it
-with anything out of that bowl. -[audience laughs]
You can lift it with hopes and dreams into your mouth.
[audience laughs]
You don't know that because you're not a chef.
Neither am I, but I'm an enthusiast.
[audience laughs]