Hello, I’m Jessica and I have a positivity problem.
I could blame it on having a bit of brain damage. I could blame it on taking medication
that’s effectively equivalent to six pints of beer a day. I could blame it on early internalisation
of inspirational narratives (I was little in the 90s)
But the thing is… I don’t see my unwavering zeal as something to ‘blame’, I see it
as something to be thankful for.
- Because aren’t all hardships just chances for us to learn and grow...?
Ok, ok, I’m sorry! Don’t click off this video!
Look, just because I can see that every cloud has a silver lining and you have to look through
the rain to see the rainbow doesn’t mean I can’t also roll my eyes at the sickening
but entirely genuine positivity that my brain spews out.
Thank you to the members of the Kellgren-Fozard Club for helping me to choose this video topic.
If you would like to have a say in future videos, along with gaining access to a monthly
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then click the ‘join’ button below. It’s next to the subscribe button which I can see
from my analytics some of you are missing, even though you’re watching a number of
my videos…
I’m just saying.
[wink]
The other day I was part of a conversation in which Person A told Person B that they
were setting their goals too high and I had to bite my tongue because my brain said:
- “At least failing when you shoot for the moon means you’ll land among the stars”
What? What?! What, Jessica?!
Where do these corny lines even come from?! How does my brain
do this?
I even saw the good in everything as a small child, to an apparently frustrating degree,
as my parents nicknamed me Pollyanna. Which, if you haven’t read it, is a wonderful book
about a little girl with a philosophy of life centred around “The Glad Game”, where
she looks for the good in absolutely everything, even terrible things. Optimism was really
important to me as an ill child who no one believed… I wanted to make my life great
and lovely so I focused on that, just like Pollyanna who, when put in a stuffy attic
room without pictures or carpet by her aunt, rejoices in the beautiful view from the window.
- A buoyant refusal to be downcast can be a useful weapon.
But if that nauseatingly sweet positivity isn’t natural, if it isn’t coming from
within you, if it’s being forced upon you… then it’s what we call ‘toxic positivity’
and it’s a real problem.
And sometimes I’m part of that problem. I’m turning it on myself.
‘Toxic positivity’ refers to the concept that staying positive- and ONLY being positive-
is the right way to live your life. It means purely focusing on positive things and refusing
to acknowledge any negative emotions or even things that it’s felt may trigger negative
emotions.
And when I learnt the phrase ‘toxic positivity’ I was like…
- oh. That’s me.
So I’m calling myself out. Yes, I’m making an entire video to hold myself to account
for subjecting myself to my own toxic positivity.
Because positivity is all well and good when it’s just going on inside your own brain:
if you don’t want to deal with the one negative comment in a sea of positive comments about
your new haircut and you’re able to just ignore it then more power to you, we’re
all very impressed.
BUT when extreme positivity is being pressed upon you from the outside (even when you’re
doing it to yourself), that’s when it becomes damaging and it’s something that those of
us with disabilities or chronic illnesses have to deal with ALL THE DARN TIME.
Also, I know a lot of you send my videos to friends and family members to help them understand
when they’re not being helpful so there are probably some parents watching, in which
case
- hi. I’m assuming your child sent you this because you did one of the bad things I’m
about to tell you not to do. Don’t worry though, I’m not going to yell at you about
it or tell you off. We’re just going to talk through it and why telling someone they
have to be unrelentingly positive is not as helpful as you might think. Thanks for clicking
on the video link though. It shows you care.
Positivity is incredibly powerful and it’s seen me through many a struggle, I’ll grant
you: holding onto threads of hope, knowing that there is a light at the end of the illness
tunnel, that ‘this too shall pass’ has pulled me through life-threatening challenges.
Seeing the sky clear to once again reveal the sun reminds me that the world isn’t
really as catastrophic as it can sometimes feel BUT positivity can have a negative impact
too. It isn’t always the best way to help other people and can have a really damaging
effect on others if they’ve come to you for support. It’s almost an unintentional
gaslighting which stops someone from expressing how they really feel.
Saying things like “it’ll get better”, “you just need to keep fighting” and “once
you’re well again…” may be meant as a kindness but it’s actually awful to hear
from the other side. You’re pushing for a future version of me but not accepting me
as I am right now. I need the space to be able to say “I wish I could do that but
I know I can’t and I’m learning to accept that” without having “Well maybe one day!”
pushed upon me.
Oddly, even though I’ve been unwell basically my entire life, when I think about my future
I picture my own body as being entirely capable. I’m not sure why that is… maybe I can
blame films and TV for it… a lack of disabled role models growing up or something. But when
I picture myself as a mum, I don’t have any physical limitations. Which is unhelpful.
Because as I grow (hopefully) closer and closer to that point I have to come to terms with
“oh, right. I’m not changing. Huh.”
Acceptance is important. I can hope for improvements in treatment, but I can’t really hope for
being magically better because that hope itself is a damaging thing. Eventually time runs
out and you hit that milestone without being fully better.
Telling someone who can’t get better that they just need to ‘believe’ in order to
make it happen puts the onus of blame onto them. You’re saying that the only reason
they’re still ill is because they don’t ‘believe’ they can get better, or- much
worse- that you’re accusing them of ‘wanting’ to be ill. By only choosing to acknowledge
or laud their happy feelings but not their bad ones, they’ll be left questioning whether
they have a right to those negative feelings at all.
- Spoiler: You cannot cure someone with relentless positivity, you can only make them feel bad.
In my opinion, we’re so used to seeing disabled or unwell people as inspirational characters
in media that when we’re anything other than unnaturally upbeat it seems like we’re
playing the victim when really we’re just having a little moan as anyone else would.
Is just that our ‘little moans’ just seem like ‘big problems’ compared to your flat
tire but we don’t necessarily see them that way, it’s just an issue of perception.
Toxic positivity has a negative impact on those with ‘othered’ bodies because it’s
suggesting that acceptance of being in a place society judges to be ‘not good enough’
is worse than making myself ill in the off chance that I may ‘improve’. Knowing that
your body will not become ‘the norm’ isn’t pessimism, it’s just reality and that can
be even more powerful than blind positivity.
Taking disability or ill health out of the equation for the minute: The funny thing about
unrelenting positivity is that when you deny or avoid unpleasant emotions, you make them
bigger. Because you avoid the negative feeling and don’t pay attention to it, it sits in
the back of your mind getting bigger and more significant because it’s unprocessed.
It is completely healthy to sometimes feel worried or traumatised or sad when you’re
dealing with a difficulty with your body. You don’t have to be inspirational 24/7
because the only person you need to inspire is yourself. In fact, research shows that
accepting, not rejecting, negative emotions helps diffuse them and over time leads to
better psychological health. The study, published in the journal ‘Emotion’, found that focussing
too intently on happiness can cause us to actually obsess over any not-happy feelings,
leading to greater unhappiness overall. This is because the negative emotions are experienced
as signs of failure rather than just being what they are:
normal.
Having said that, if your negative feelings are overwhelming and affecting your everyday
life, please do seek help for them.
And since we’re talking about mental health: sufferers of severe depression do not need
to be told “it gets better” and “try to be positive” because, come on, think
it through, is that actually helpful or is that just berating them? Yep, you’re correct:
it’s unhelpful.
It’s something I’m trying to unlearn myself because it’s really, really not sustainable!
By avoiding difficult emotions you’re actually losing valuable information and learning experiences
that could help you in the long run, even if that’s just appropriately identifying
a fear and… I’m just realising I turned dealing with negative emotions into a positive.
- I’m still learning!
So how do we avoid ‘toxic’ positivity whilst still being generally pleasant people?
- unless you only find happiness in being a Disney villain. In which case: you do you,
you do fabulous you.
Well, firstly, saying “get well soon” is all well and good but doesn’t work for
those with a chronic illness: they’re not going to ‘get better’, it’s an identity,
not a state of being and accepting that doesn’t mean they’re ‘giving in’, just that
they’re appreciating themselves for who they are. Of course you can say ‘get well
soon’ to your mum if she has a cold. But to your friend who is NEVER going to ‘get
well’ anyway try something like ‘I hope you have a better day tomorrow’ or ‘hope
you have lots of spoons later’.
Secondly, avoid platitudes like “it will get better” or “it could be worse” and
instead just listen to the person. Ask them how they’re really feeling and what they
want to talk about. When they tell you that they’re sad, sympathise with compassion
but neutrally.
And lastly, let the person know that you love and support them as they are right now, negative
feelings and all. This applies to more than just mental health concerns: whether it’s a break
up or a job loss, let the person know that they don’t need to show their happy, positive
face in order to receive your acceptance.
Of course, I don’t want to take away from the fact we all have very different brains
and that, for some of us, a diet of pure positivity is the best way forwards and there is absolutely
no reason to feel guilty if you don’t want to deal with your own negative feelings but
instead prefer to live a life full of only #motivational instagram posts.
For me personally, I don’t find the idea of fighting against my illness to be helpful-
even if it’s framed in a really positive light. I work daily to maintain the health
I do have and to manage my conditions. Mainly that’s through very boring things like checking
the list of ingredients carefully or making sure I have enough pills in case a zombie
apocalypse happens.
You know, normal stuff(!)
But I’m also going to, for my own mental health, start actively imagining my future
with me as an ill person
- I have a very overactive imagination. You name a potential scenario I might be in 10
years from now and I can bet you I’ve already imagined it.
And, to me, that’s actually the most positive and exciting thing I can do.
Try it yourself and let me know your own experiences with toxic positivity in the comments below.
Also, yes, Pollyanna does become disabled in the book and it actually makes her stronger
and I really associated with that as a child and I love that book despite parts of it probably
being problematic through a modern gaze so let's just roll with it.
[beat]
That’s a disabled joke.
See you next time!
[kiss]