ANNOUNCER: And here they are, the Sofa Speedsters--
the Simpsons on Brown Lightning!
The Piggly Wiggums!
Glasgow-A-Go-Go!
Hick Dastardly...
and the Franken-continental!
Who will be sitting pretty at the finish line?
(crashing)
(engine chugging)
(cackling)
Beat ya!
D'oh!
Pushy sign! Don't tell me what to try!
Homer! Dr. Hibbert told you to eat healthier!
One onion rings, please.
Can I borrow ten bucks from the cash register?
I've gotta get drunk before a party.
(kids yelling)
Karate class is here and hungry!
You got any scented candles?
(Homer screams)
Ow! This is the worst pain imaginable!
This one's cold.
My burns have affected our...
(whispers) intimacy...
Money? What I am concerned about is your burns.
(grunts skeptically)
They have healed much too quickly.
(screams) Oh, God! It hurts worse than the burns!
Yes, these are special acid markers.
Homer Simpson, you shall receive $5,000 after legal fees.
So, uh, what are you gonna do with the money, Homer?
Well, thought bubble Marge said we should
put it in a college fund for Lisa.
but, uh, banks are not as safe as they used to be.
Yeah, when you give the bank your money,
they lend it to other people!
I saw a Sesame Street about it!
Kermit was wearing his trench coat and everything.
That settles it. No banks for me.
I'll tell you where you should put your money.
The one safe place left in this world of woe:
The poker website just keeps it nice and safe,
where the FDIC can't get its grubby little hands on it!
(cash register dings)
...invested!
Hey, Lisa, check out your college fund!
You put my college fund on a poker site?!
It's a classy operation.
On a poker site!
More importantly, it's a college fund.
On a poker site!
Dad, please!
(sighs) Where did you get that shirt?
I've had it for a long time.
I was just about to throw it out, and then this happened.
Yesterday's the day we were supposed to visit Grampa!
What the...?! Stupid calendar.
First you put the Fourth of July on Sunday, and now this!
Okay, remember the plan: Apologize to Grampa.
Then when he wants us to take him out to lunch,
point to the leftovers,
tell him we already did, but he forgot.
(curious grunting)
I'm very sorry to tell you your father... is missing.
Missing?! What kind of a prison are you people running here?
If it's any consolation, we'll probably find him
when the river thaws in the spring.
A lot of bobbers then.
Oh, it's hopeless!
This room is like a museum of meaningless old crap.
By which I mean every museum.
Grampa's army footlocker!
MARGE: "Spiro's...
The place that changed my life..."
Flimsy lead, take me away!
Okay, baby, let's see the flop.
(gasps)
Are you playing poker with my college fund?
I'm only down $62.
Get your hands off my future!
New low, even for this family.
College fund on a poker site.
I'm just gonna log right out.
Huh. Two queens.
That's a great start.
(beeping)
Four queens! Yes! Yes...!
(cash register rings, game trills)
Yeah! $50 up! (laughs)
Time to play with house money!
-Or time to walk away from the table. -Shoo!
(dogs growling)
(both whimpering)
(patrons murmuring, laughing)
Excuse me, have you seen this man?
We don't like questions, man.
Yeah, but I'm just trying to get information,
Hey, what are you doing? (screaming)
(Homer gibbering)
Abe Simpson... used to work here. Put him down!
Ow!
Did you say my dad worked here?
Yes, in the old days.
When people ate steak, drank champagne, and the music...
Simpson! I pay you to clean tables, not to write songs.
(plays light melody)
♪ My heart does the two-step ♪
♪ When you waltz in the place ♪
My dad was an aspiring songwriter like Charles Manson?
I never knew that.
Me.
Rita Lafleur singing one of my tunes?!
Can a 35-year-old busboy's life get any better?
♪ Yeah, you'd better call the doctor before we embrace... ♪
Busboy, that breadbasket napkin's so opened up,
you can see everything! Disgusting!
I never saw either of them again.
If you find your Dad, tell him sorry
from Spiro Papadapaconstanti- kasgianopolopodopotopolis.
(gasps) There's exactly one Rita Lafleur living in Springfield!
That's where we live!
Homer, she's married to your dad!
Whoo-hoo! I get two Christmases!
I've read every expert on poker
and watched Jennifer Tilly's DVD.
Start with your Simpsons money,
(high voice) use a little girl voice,
and take 'em for everything they've got.
And money is college,
which should lead to more money someday, but who knows anymore?
-Tim, what are you doing? -Bible trivia.
You've been doing that an awful lot lately.
(bird caws)
I can't believe you're here.
I'd finally gotten over your father
just a week-and-a-half ago, and then you two show up.
Well, just what attracted you to my father?
Beneath his mediocrity there was genius.
Then a layer of anger.
Then a beautiful soul.
(scat singing)
(sighs) After we were fired from Spiro's, we teamed up...
for more than music.
Oh, Abe! (moaning)
I was alive when my Dad knew you?
Alive, but very clueless.
So this was after Homer's mother left?
I love men on the rebound.
RITA: One day, when we were walking through Proposal Park,
Abe popped the question.
We got married in the city hall,
Then tragedy struck.
(yelling, screaming)
We celebrated in your hospital room.
Our first night together as a family.
Abe! They want to book us on a European tour!
That's fine, doll. Real fine. Why, we'll...
(electricity crackling, Homer yelling)
You know, Europe's no place for a six-year-old.
He can handle 110 volt, but 220 would kill him.
but I'm all the family this boy's got.
If I don't take care of him now,
he'll forget the day he's supposed to come
and see me when I'm old.
Good-bye, Rita.
This is why "life" comes before "love" in the dictionary.
Now to make sure neither of us ever remember this.
(sniffling) Oh, my God.
I never knew the sacrifices my father made.
Move over, Fonzie.
I've got a new hero.
Life isn't all major chords.
Sometimes you gotta hit the minor keys.
What does that mean?
I got super-addicted to heroin.
Okay, education paid for,
with a gap year to find myself.
Every nerve in my body is screaming
"Cash out now," and yet... (giggles)
Ha! Full house!
Aces over threes!
Take that, Rich Texan 001,
and Sideshow Bob @ Springfield Penitentiary-- Hah!
Aw, doggone it!
I give up!
He didn't fold?
But that's insane unless he has...
Oh, no!
No-no-no-no-no, no!
(trilling)
(cash register dings)
(buzzing)
I've lost, I've lost everything.
(sobbing, muttering)
We can all hear you.
Please log off.
(sobbing)
Aw, come on, Lis. No gambling story has a happy ending
except Seabiscuit.
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me!
I was Ivy! Strong Ivy!
(sobs)
I'm Sideshow Bob!
I've been using his avatar to play poker
and trash his favorite restaurants on Yelp.
You must have nearly a million dollars!
I can go to college and live like a Kennedy!
Listen, after I won, the website found out
we were both under 18, so we're back to the original $5,000.
Well, back to square one is a major victory
in this house, but why did you help me?
Because I actually like you and felt sorry for you.
What?! You did?
Forget I said anything!
-Listen, do you know this man? -Let me ask around.
Abe, you seen this guy?
Oh, I know him.
He's a man who has no son!
Dad, promise me you'll never wander off
and make us explore your fascinating past again.
-What?! -You think I'm boring,
and you never visit me, and I got sick of waitin' for ya!
So I got a job and found a new dump to live in
and I didn't tell you about it,