- 29 sucks because 29 is the end of fun
without being judged for it.
At 29, you and your fun friends stop partying
and start having addictions.
That's what they call it.
Can't get drunk on a Monday without raising some eyebrows.
It's bullshit.
I don't know.
I'm not really like an aggressive guy
when it comes to like meeting women.
You know what it is?
I recently realized that I have a very medium sex drive.
And that's okay.
You hear how awkward it got here when I said that.
Every guy's like, I wanna bang all the time.
I don't know what this giant eunuch's talking about.
Someone better get this sack-less wonder off stage.
Just saying our culture is super sexed up.
Everything's about sex.
Like every commercial's like,
You're an American man, you should want to have sex.
You're like, alright.
Trying to watch football right now.
It's the Lord's day.
You're a dude. Got a dick, wanna bang?
What?
I like to nap too.
Why can't you advertise like that?
Drink a Budweiser, take a nap.
Done. Done.
It is fun, going to bars and watching those
alpha male douchebags hit on girls.
Just walk up with their tight Ed Hardy shirts on just
I'm so full of (bleep).
That's why I'm all veiny.
It's the (bleep) trying to escape.
It's silly.
They say silly shit.
It's like, hey babe, come home with me.
I'll bang you all night.
Gross.
First off, who's got that kind of upper body strength.
If you say a sentence like that,
you're committing yourself to a five hour locked pushup.
If I tried doing that, by minute three
my arm would be doing that goofy outta shape jiggle.
It was like, can't hold it, can't hold it.
You bang me. You gotta bang me, now.
Your turn.
All I'm saying is if you come home with me,
the night might start with sex.
Maybe.
It's definitely gonna end in deep, deep sleep.
That's how I hit on women.
I'm like, you wanna sleep in girl?
Sleep in all day.
Wake up, smoke a bowl, go back to bed.
I am lazy.
I just hung out with my grandma for a week.
A week with an 88 year old lady.
You run out of topics to talk about quickly.
Just sitting there, staring at her like,
well.
Dude, 88, crossword puzzles every day.
She drives, that's super dangerous.
We play gin rummy all the time.
Oh, she talks about death with an ease
that rattles my bones.
Holy shit, it's creepy.
It's like gang members and my Nana
talk about death the same way.
Like these streets won't take me out?
I ain't no mark ass bitch.
And you're like, all right, Nana, stop it.
Stop it, Nana.
You ever talk to anyone over 80 about death?
It's just facts.
No emotions.
Closest I've ever came to interviewing a serial killer.
Just sitting there like Nana,
what happened to Rose, next door?
She's gone.
She move?
You're never gonna find her.
Did you kill Rose?
She's like, gin, oh, you sneaky bitch.
You're so good at this game, Nana.
29 sucks.
No one tells you what's gonna suck.
Like people in their thirties and forties complain.
And they should.
Because their lives are almost over.
So go ahead and die.
I need walking room.
No you shouldn't.
You shouldn't applaud.
That's everyone in their twenties.
Like (bleep) you.
Eat a dick.
Nah, 29 sucks because 29 is the end of fun
without being judged for it.
At 29, you and your fun friends
stop partying and start having addictions.
That's what they call it.
Can't get drunk on a Monday without raising some eyebrows.
It's bullshit.
It's just weird to me that things that in my early twenties
that used to make me cool, now make people nervous.
I used to get drunk before class in college
and everyone was like, this guy is (bleep) awesome.
He's hammered before intro to Roman lit.
That's an 8:00 AM class.
Now, if I get drunk before work,
everyone's like, hey,
are you cool?
You need to talk?
No, I'm still awesome.
No, no, you're not.
You're almost homeless.
That's what you are.
I know drinking is, if you do it too much,
it is a bad thing.
But it also at the same time is a good thing.
I think you understand life better
if you get shit-faced all the time.
Everyone that clapped will be in a program.
Yeah.
Programs!
Finding God, gettin chips.
I'm just saying I understand a lot of things better
because I'm a hard drinker.
Like homelessness.
I get it.
I get it, now.
When I was a kid and I saw homeless people
I was just like, why are you outside?
Go inside.
But now that I've been a booze bag for 12 years
every time I see a homeless person,
I'm just like, oh man,
you were probably so much fun 10 years ago.
Here's a quarter for your Kickstarter.
Fuck dog shows.
The Westminster Kennel Society.
It's people in suits, walking dogs.
That's what it is.
But they trick you by using broadcasters with hush tones
who, by the way just oddly sound
sexually attracted to the animals.
They're like up next is,
oh that's a pure golden retriever.
Is he trying to fuck that dog?
They always bring up the lineage of the animal,
like it's better than you
'cause they know you're watching a dog show.
They're like, this is Roscoe,
a pure beagle who hails from seven champions.
No he doesn't.
I bet none of those dogs fought anybody.
Most of those dogs are inbred.
Do you know that about show dogs?
Yeah.
They have to fuck their family, like some sort of
Game of Thrones plot line.
They're blue blooding it.
Which humans don't do, by the way anymore.
We're not doing that.
But I guess if humans inbreed, it's hillbilly,
but dogs do it and it's regal.
That kind of does sound like I'm arguing for inbreeding.
Like if you walked into the show right now,
you're like what the fuck is this guy talking about?
Like, come on you.
Maybe that's what we should do.
Maybe we should just do a Westminster hillbilly show.
Just have a guy in a suit with a leash.
And on the other end is some fat guy in overalls,
just sweating, doing simple tasks.
Just say, Obama's a terrorist.
And I go, oh,
is he pure Appalachian?
I think he's a hundred percent Ozark, check his genitals.
It sucks being single at 29 because it's like, you know
which way do I go?
Do I go older or younger?
Right? Like I know 18 to 22.
I know that's done.
I can't fight in that weight class anymore.
I just can't compete.
18 to 22 year old girls live different lives.
They get things for being young and hot.
They're like, I wanna be on a boat.
Then they're on a boat.
Like shit that just happens.
Just manifests.
What's France like?
And they live there for three months, rent paid.
Very frustrating.
I just think I'm at a different stage in my life.
I think right now I'd rather just try to
bang a 47 year old mother of three,
that could tell me what Zeppelin's like live.
Like, that's what I want.
Stories, history.
I like older- you can talk to older women.
You're gonna have deep conversations with older women.
You can't talk to young girls.
They changed language.
They (bleep) up the English language.
They started abbreviating all of their words.
It's a real thing, now.
I heard a girl once go, oh that's delish.
Where's the rest of that word?
You know how confusing that is to be at a bar
having a decent conversation with a girl,
and she randomly turns to her friend and she's like,
I just got back from vacay.
It was totes abfab.
What?
Did you have a brain injury?
Why are you talking like that?
If that girl keeps that up, 20 years from now,
all of her conversations are gonna be like
(gibberish)
Soho.
And by the way,
that is just me doing Jabba the Hut in a bimbo voice.
(gibberish)
That's all that is.
I was a weird kid.
I talked to myself a lot.
Did other weird shit.
I'll admit it to you guys,
for two months when I was eight years old,
I thought I was possessed by the devil.
Thank you for laughing at that.
Some audiences just don't react.
Like it's an admission of guilt.
They're like, oh you were the dark Lord, okay.
I watched The Exorcism and The Omen back to back,
left my friend's house and I was like,
I'm probably the devil.
If I wasn't, why would all dogs bark at me
every time I walk down the alley.
Here's the shitty part, I wasn't even confident about it.
Like how much does that suck?
I imagine if you're the devil, you're like,
bow down before me.
I was walking around like, everyone's gonna hate me.
I don't wanna rule the world with evil.
I was like an emo devil.
That's what I was, an emo Satan.
I was like, I'm a fallen angel.
Couldn't even fucking enjoy it.
That summer, my mom sent me to summer camp
for the first time.
And when you don't have a lot of money
and you go to summer camp, it is always church affiliated.
Which I didn't know.
I just showed up for the first day of camp,
saw a bunch of crucifixes and I was like
they are gonna be so mad
when they find out the devil is in cabin six.
Ironic booking.
Honestly, completely forgot that I might or
might not be the dark Lord.
Completely had such a great time, I made new friends.
I zip lined.
I learned how to build a fire.
It's pretty important, if you're the devil.
I touched a horse for the first time.
Me and one lady, everyone else apparently
grew up riding fucking show ponies, so.
I didn't know the show in Philly
was gonna be all equestrians.
They're like, oh look the peasant boy
touched a horse when he was-
It even made that horse noise when I touched its face,
it was like
(horse neigh)
I was like, oh.
That night they were like, all right everybody,
it's dinner time.
We're gonna serve Salisbury steak, which it wasn't.
It was just hamburger patties covered
in this mushroom sauce, but I'm dumb.
So I was like, oh, Salisbury steak.
I wonder how many I can fit into my giant head.
I ate probably good five or six.
And then almost immediately after I was done eating
they're like, all right, everybody time to go outside
for a prayer circle, which I had never seen.
I wasn't raised religious.
So it just looked like a fucked up game of red rover.
But I'm a follower.
So I joined in, I also harmonized badass, I found out.
And what it is is it was just a bunch of little kids
singing to Jesus.
And I was having the greatest time of my life
just singing these love songs to the sky.
About five minutes in, my stomach turned
and I started sweating uncontrollably.
I had two thoughts at that exact moment.
Number one, that wasn't Salisbury steak.
Number two, if you throw up,
everyone will know that you're the devil.
Everyone.
What would make the devil throw up more than young children
singing love songs to Jesus.
I'm sitting there fighting as hard as I can
at eight years old.
Just like, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.
And then we go to hit a high note where we're like,
Jesus!
And I just start violently projectile vomiting.
Violently.
Gray, colorless matter, you know,
like the devil would.
And I'm not throwing up like a cute eight year old.
I'm not like, oh my tum tum.
I'm like yelling it outta my face.
Like ahhh!
Everyone is staring at me.
Everyone at camp was staring at me
and all I could hear in my head was,
(singing)
I'm just like blehh, I'm not the devil.
I'm not the devil, your mother sucks cock in hell!
Then I fucking left. I left.
The next morning I went home.
You know that weird kid that goes home early?
Yeah, that was me.
That kid's the devil and the devil goes home early.
My mom picked me up immediately, terrified.
Like, are you okay?
I was like, I threw up in front of everybody.
She's like, it's all right, buddy.
Sometimes your stomach just gets hurt.
And it felt so good.
I was like, mom, I think I'm possessed by the devil.
And in a way that only a very tired single mom could,
she just looked at me and said,
why would the devil wanna possess you?
Oh yeah.
Cool. Good point, Trish.
Never thought about it like that.
I think we just solved one problem
and have shattered that to about 700 more.